Facing ahead

 

I’ve managed to just sneak in a holiday. It was a holiday that even three days before it began I was unsure it would happen. It was a holiday where I could only see most of my family in almost chance meetings outside trainer shops and gin shops and on very wet walks. It was a holiday of rest and peace full of glorious views and a plethora of rainbows reminding me again and again that this dark cloud hovering will one day disperse and be replaced with the glorious technicolour of life lived in all its fullness. 

Much of my holiday was spent in internet silence with the continuous news cycle replaced by homes under the hammer and Australian traffic police stopping repentant scantily clothed male drivers for not wearing their seatbelts. Whilst the threat of a virus that destroys, divides and conquers was always there in the attempts to escape the shelf emptying shoppers and in the underlying anxiety of facing the unholiday ahead there were moments in the plot line we simply forgot. In our damp cottage surrounded by 1.5 miles of silence we were able to hide from the reality of the story that bites. 

Then in a pause on the journey we waited two and a half hours for the promised press conference and then a little while longer as the graphs that normally fascinate got in the way of the news we wanted to but didn’t want to know. 

Another month and more of hiding, of locking ourselves away, of relying on the internet for all we try and be..... it was not a surprise and I’m quite relieved that some decisions have been taken out of my hands and I’m not angry or upset, just resigned and frustrated as we face uncertainty about endings and trudge into November ready to bed in for the winter. I’m glad it’s come after a pause because the privilege of a pause will help me face it more easily. 

So how do we face this period of gloom ahead? Here are some thoughts..... 

Love. Don’t forget the signs of hope in community that we first saw in March. Don’t forget the neighbour you reached out to, the one who reached out to you. Don’t forget to love. 

Pray. This lockdown is not the same because the schools and colleges and universities are back and teachers and support staff are facing the next month with fear and uncertainty. Pray for them as they are unable to close the door and hide and put themselves in danger each day. Pray for our NHS and all frontline workers. Pray prayers of protection over one another. Don’t forget to pray. 

Give. The emergency support that was available in March is simply not there anymore. Charities and churches and councils are running out of money. Give time - volunteer to help the community. Give space to listen to those who are struggling. Give resources - people still need food and clothes and hope. Don’t forget to give. 

Hide. Having no internet or rolling news is a blessing. It helped me face what I didn’t know about with calmness and less worry. Winter is a time for getting out favourite films and blankets and just being. Don’t feel guilty if most evenings are simply that. Give yourself a break. Bed in. Cry. Lament. Don’t forget to hide when you need to. 

Look beyond. Hope. There is more than this. My holiday rainbows reminded me of that. Hold onto hope of more and better because knowing that this dark cloud will be replaced by life in all its fulness is what will keep us stepping onward in our darkest days. Don’t forget to look beyond.

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying”. Romans 12:9-12 NLT

I look out of my window - Psalm 121ish

I look out of my window to the trees turning bronze

Where will my strength come from to face the winter ahead? 

My strength - it can only come from God

He made the trees, the earth they grow from, the water that quenches their thirst, the seasons that turn them from green to bronze to bare wood to pink....

He won't let me fall over, he won't let me down. He won't let a truck drive into me like the missing tree across the road. 

God who watches over me, he won't need an alarm clock - even if he's been up all night, even if I have exhausted him with my crying, my God who watches over me will never fall asleep. He won't even powernap. 

God is your constant watching over you companion, your eyes and ears, he is by your side. He will protect you from anything you face - viruses or injury, nasty talk and gossip, your own insecurities. 

He'll even protect you from the strongest sun, shielding you from the rays that burn. He'll shelter you even from the moon in case the moon is something that hurts.

God guards you from all the rocks that are thrown, from all the little virus laden water droplets that hang in the air, from your own mind that overthinks and worries and is scared... he guards your life which is so precious to him.

He guards you when you leave home and you fear what you may encounter. He guards you when get home and the overwhelming feelings of dread wash over you as you deal with what you encountered outside your front door. 

He guards you when you are isolating. He guards you when you feel alone. He guards you when you fear those you live with. He guards you when you fear your own mind.  

He guards you right now, he will guard you whatever you face ahead. He will guard you always. 

I look up to the mountains, where does my help come from?

My help comes from God, maker of heaven and earth. He will not let my foot slip. He will not let me down. He will not sleep and leave me to fend for myself. He will give me all the strength I need. 

He will help me rest. He will bring me peace. 

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day. It's a day when social media is covered in green ribbons and the words 'It's OK not to be OK' and 'If you need to talk I am here for you' are probably some of the most popular if you did some sort of phrase of the day algorithm to work out what people are interested in today. It's a day when we are reminded of the many many people who live every day with mental illness and we are encouraged to see what we can do to support them and raise awareness as well as look after our own mental health. It seems appropriate today then, that I write this blog. 

I live and serve in a community where a number of people suffer with significant mental health issues. For the past 18 months I've been learning on the job how to walk with, support and care for those for whom most days are a challenge and how to try and help them to access the help I've needed. Over the past 20+ years I've been walking with close friends who have faced significant challenges when it comes to their own mental health. Last month I went on Mental Health First Aid Training and I suddenly realised how much learning I have already done when I found I wasn't learning very much new. 

So I thought I would share something of what I have learnt as I have walked with people who have struggled with their mental health. 

1) Everyone is different

Those who have poor mental health are all different. Some are very quiet about it. Some will talk about it all the time. For some it is clear that they are struggling because of the attention they are giving to other people. For some it becomes clear because their attention turns on themselves. Some have back stories so difficult and horrific that you just want to cry and shout. Some suffer because of a result of a traumatic illness. Some are keen to access as much help as they can. Some are determined to go it alone. Some can be really very nasty. Some can be the most compassionate people you've ever met. Some appear to cope so well you wouldn't even know they were ill. 

Everyone is different. On World Mental Health Day let us celebrate one another's uniqueness and look for what support those individuals we know need as we try and walk with one another.

2) The Support offered is not good enough 

Mental Health Services are underfunded and in a right mess. You sit with someone, you talk to them, you ask them all the questions you need to ask. You suggest they need to get help, you try and help them access the help.

Then you hit a brick wall. 

The theory of getting help is there, but the resources aren't. NHS mental health services are stretched further than we thought stretching was possible and the voluntary and community organisations that encounter people in crisis are trying to make that stretch stretch even further. The focus is on emergency care, but without the underlying structures that can effectively help on an ongoing basis, the focus can only be on fire fighting and not healing. 

I have no idea what we do about this - but surely on world mental health day we need to be putting some pressure on the government to fund mental health services properly - that will be more effective in the long term than saying 'I'm here if you need to talk' (although that is still a good and important thing to say). 

3) Covid-19 has affected everything

The pandemic has only made things worse - which is expected. It's not just the closing down of services, it's the confusion in the information. We don't know what support groups are able to run from one week to the next. New guidelines are leaked to the media before they are announced and then the details are not put in place until after the guidelines come in. Music and Arts which are key to so many people's mental health have effectively been side-lined by our Government response and the way ahead looks grim. 

The pandemic has affected the mental health of even the most mentally healthy people, and in amongst that we are not able to do those things that keep us balanced. 

I am not sure what we do about this either, as we need to keep social distancing and following the guidelines when we know what they are, but on world mental health day perhaps we need to consider ways that we can help one another to do things that promote positive mental health within the guidelines instead of holding back from doing anything at all. My choir started back this week and I know it's good for my mental health, I know it is done in a Covid secure way, I know it is allowed, but I also know of people who want to shout at me (stop shouting at one another, please). 

4) Boundaries are Important

We cannot support people with mental health issues if we don't put up boundaries. Set a limit on the number of phone calls, set a day off in stone, set a social media boundary - use the post sharing privacy settings, turn off messenger, leave the groups that get you frustrated, don't walk with people alone. Eat cake (but not too much). Get out in the fresh air. Walk like walking is going away tomorrow (I really hope not). Be aware of your own trigger points and walk away if its too much. 

When your sink is emptied, find someone or something to put the plug back in and fill it to the brim again. 

On World Mental Health Day look after your own mental health. 

5) There is always hope

Committing to support someone who struggles with their mental health is a commitment to a long walk - there are no easy and quick fixes, but there is hope that when the right support is finally found that the way ahead will become easier. For some it will be a rockier road than others, for some the way ahead may be so blurred it seems impossible, for some the management of life and mental health will constantly be a balancing act. 

But

There is nothing more beautiful than standing at a friends wedding hearing her new husband talk of her amazing amazingness knowing the journey she has got to be there. 

On World Mental Health Day find stories of hope. 

6) Walking alongside people with poor mental health is walking in the ways of God. 

I have never forgotten the day that my eyes were opened to the story of Jonah in the Bible as a story of mental health. He faces an incredibly difficult challenge that he doesn't want to be involved in, and so he retreats, he goes down into the depths of the sea, he runs away. The description of Jonah's descent to the depths and the time in the stomach of the big fish could be a metaphor of the experience of someone who struggles with depression. The gentle care that God gave him at that time, whilst still encouraging him to see that there was a way through this and that he could face what life would bring ahead, is an example of the gentle care God calls us to give. He rescued him from the depths, he gave him time to deal with how he felt, he helped him through some effective cognitive behavioural therapy, he showed him a way ahead and he never left him to deal with life alone. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand"        Psalm 42:1-2

Be still

As the world around rapidly changes

As nothing seems the same 

Stop and stand for a moment

Be still

As twitter tweets panic

And Facebook shares conspiracy and worry 

Look up to the clouds

Be still 

As every decision is a risk assessment 

As stepping out of the door brings fear

Pause for a while

Be still

As uncertainty rocks normality

As waves threaten to overwhelm

Put down the uncontrollable oars

Be still

As voices around conflict 

As they challenge your existence

Look beyond the horizon 

Be still 

As work demands far too much

But the ways of working are slower

Remember you are just one, only one

Be still

As the new normal promised doesn’t emerge

And as non normal becomes usual 

Be sure that this won’t be forever 

Be still 

Be still and see what God has done

Be still and hear what God has promised

Be still and listen to the stories of goodness

Be still and sing the songs of hope

Be still and know that God is God

Be still and breathe for God is here

Uncertain Tenterhooks

I'm on uncertain tenterhooks at the moment. It's less than a month before I'm meant to be going away for one of my favourite parts of the year - my family annual shindig to the Lake District. This year it looks a little bit different - we've already scattered ourselves into cottages and caravans to ensure that we keep to the rule of 6 and we are not going to be able to spend the time together we would normally do..... but with talk of a London lockdown or a national lockdown, there is a the smell of uncertainty in the air. 

I did my online shop this morning and for the first time in four months there were no delivery slots available. There is talk again of limits on toilet rolls and other stuff and I could only get wholewheat noodles (too healthy?) - signs perhaps that we are trying to gain control in an uncertain world. 

But buying non-wholewheat noodles in abundance isn't going to bring any certainty in an uncertain world (even if we could get them). It'll just mean we will need more storage and will have to negotiate the Ikea queue. 

As we're stretched like a cloth on a tenter trying to find some slack somewhere to make it a bit more comfortable, the hooks that hold us pull us tighter, and something feels like it has got to give. 

As well as the spare room full of toilet rolls, that pulling and stretching comes out in other unhelpful ways - in snappy behaviour, in ill health, in retreating further within. Something breaks and we run right at the risk in front of us and beyond and find ourselves in the middle of a crowd with no way out and the edges of the cloth begin to tear...

This permanent state of uncertain tenterhooks is not good for us. So how do we survive? How do we loosen the tension a little and sit slightly less uncomfortably in amidst in the strain? 

Firstly, we have to accept we cannot control the situation. What will be will be. I don't cry very often, but in the last few weeks there have been moments where I cannot take the lack of control anymore and they've bubbled up inside. I have begun to learn to distinguish the things I can change and the things I can't and am trying to lay them down by distracting myself with other nicer things.... and laughing.... because sometimes laughing is all we can do. If we can laugh in the face of peril, then we are probably doing a little bit OK. 

Secondly, we have to accept that we cannot control other people's take on the situation.  In our frustrations with those who are not prepared to follow social distancing guidelines appropriately - who hug and kiss like it's gone out fashion and think that other people don't find mask wearing uncomfortable too but are wearing them anyway (over their nose) because it's the right thing to do right now. We can't go and force that mask on their face or drag them away from the embrace they are loving, so instead we must walk away, what will be will be, the problem is not ours to own. Choose to step back and not be involved. 

Thirdly, we must, we must indulge in self care. Like putting your oxygen mask on a plane before you give it to the person sitting next to you, there is a need to ensure that we keep doing things that release the tension of the hooks. For me it is walking like it's going out of fashion and releasing my frustrations on an unsuspecting person on the end of the phone or whatsapp or zoom. It's making space for a bath because that's the only time I simply am. It's indulging in my current addiction to Married at First Sight Australia (on All 4 - amazing). It's holding onto the hope that one day this will all be better. It's being determined to be more positive than negative however hard that is. It's continuing with the laughter before it turns more sinister. It's breathing, and breathing and breathing again. 

This practice of pausing, of catching our breath, of refilling, of finding rest, it's a practice that's been there right from the beginning of creation on that seventh day when God rested. In breathing in the rest that God embedded as normal in this world the state of uncertain tenterhooks becomes easier to bear, the laughing becomes more of a natural thing and the pulling feels a little less eye watering than when we are trying to control the tension of the hooks. Lean in, let go.... God is. 

Jesus said this:

"Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace" (Matthew 11:28ish-29ish (from The Message)).

A Covid-19 Lament (Psalm 80ish)

 

Psalm 80ish – A Covid-19 Lament

God listen to us.

You are our Shepherd who we know guards us, protects us and seeks our good.

God, you call us to follow your lead. 

You sit enthroned with the angels, your way is mapped out before us.

 

God – wake up! Wake up and do something about what is happening now. Come and save us.

Restore us, O God; make us better than we have ever been. Smile upon us so that we might be saved.

How long, God Almighty, will this virus continue to rage? We pray and it gets worse not better.

We feel helpless against its might, we cry out, we weep, we mourn. Sometimes we are just at the end of our tether. 

The country we live in is not dealing with all of this well. The mockery of non-compliance seeks to undermine any attempt to control an uncontrollable virus.

Restore us, O God; make us better than we have ever been. Smile upon us so that we might be saved.

You gave us promises. You brought us all here – a light on a hill, seeking to transform your community.

You showed us your way, you called us on, we became something great and we made a difference.

Why have you taken it all away? Why does every piece of legislation pick another hole in who we are?

Every step is an effort, every choice is exhausting.

When will it end oh God?

Turn your face to us, smile upon us, see what is going on. Watch over us….

You created us, you put us here, you gave us hope in Jesus

But now we are cut off from one another, and we do not know where it will end.

May your hand rest upon us, show us hope.

 

We will not turn away from you. Help us to look ahead. We call on you.

Restore us, O God; make us better than we have ever been. Smile upon us so that we might be saved.

Do not grow weary.....

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" - Galatians 6:9

This verse came up on my facebook wall at the weekend and I can't get it out of my head. It came up in the middle of a number of days that have been emotionally draining, both personally and in work. Where I've tried to escape in the last few days, my escaping has been interrupted by things that I wouldn't expect to happen on any normal day. Sometimes the hits just keep on coming. 

So where does that verse fit into this? It's a verse that I and others have used in the past to urge ourselves and one another on - what you are doing is good, keep on going, look at the difference you're making. It's a verse that has been used to encourage people to get through the barrier, to make a way through the wall of tiredness that makes the task ahead seem impossible. 

But it's also a verse that could just tip you over the edge. 

The voices that cry out in my Baptist Minister circles at the moment are ones that take this verse and use it as a reason to keep going, but are at that point of tipping over the edge. The reality of ministerial burnout, even for those who always appear strong and to have it together, is a concept that a number are having to wrestle with at the moment. The voices are crying out "I can't do this anymore", "I've had enough", "the mountain is too big to climb". Do not become weary of doing good has become a reason to not stop, not take holidays, not take rest days, to feed everyone except themselves. The pressure from congregations who want the ministers to have all the answers to questions they are not experts in answering is huge. 

Perhaps we need to pause for a minute and turn this verse on its head. Perhaps we need to let go of the need to focus on the 'do good' and focus on the 'do not become weary'. In churches led by action and programme and never ever stopping ever, perhaps we have come to our limit. 

Galatians 6 says not only verse 9, but also 'watch yourselves', 'carry one another's burdens', 'test your own actions', '[don't] compare yourselves to others'..... 

If we are not to grow weary, then it makes sense that we keep an eye on ourselves and one another, it makes sense that we check ourselves for weariness and do something about it, it makes sense that we don't compare ourselves to others, because it only leads to the myth that we're not good enough. I have no idea how some ministers do what they do, but that's them, and I am me. 

Do not grow weary in doing good calls us away from a life of self-centred laziness, but it doesn't call us to a life of exhaustion. God created sabbath. God put sabbath smack bang in the middle of the 10 commandments. God stopped the world that was full of humans trying to be saviours when the temple curtain tore in two.

Do not grow weary in doing good calls us to rest, it calls us to refill, it calls us to look ahead with a pause to resource ourselves for the way ahead. It calls us to remember that we are here to restore, but that we can't do that if we're lying on the floor and are not able to even crawl ahead. 

Do not grow weary in doing good. 

Do not grow weary, for as you take the path ahead which will bring much good, the possibility for burnout is real. 

Take care of yourselves, take care of your leaders, and make space for rest. That will enable the good to happen. 

Do not grow weary, for God is with us. Do not grow weary, for God calls us in his way. Do not grow weary, for the path ahead is not meant to be walked alone. Do not grow weary, because even though the future is difficult to see, the promise is that the future will be good. 

Do not grow weary. God gives you rest.