There was a point, when I was 11 or 12, that I felt I did not belong anywhere. I had started secondary school, the only girl from my primary school, and was put in a form with people who knew each other, but with nobody who knew me. That wasn't a bad thing, because I didn't get on with those who went to secondary school with me and I needed a new start. I wasn't good at making friends and I was different - I was the daughter of a minister (that makes you weird) and I wanted to work hard. I loved learning and I was not cool.
I was thrown into a world of established groups of friends, who despite falling out at times were fundamentally strong units that it was hard to break into. I was not always treated in a way that was great and it was easier to spend time on my own or in the library. In looking for friends I looked to those who I recognised as being able to deal with life and who did not need the intensity of 11 year old best friendship. The people of my age at school were not that bothered about me - those like me were trying to be like everyone else, and those unlike me appreciated me as someone to talk to when no-one else was around.
That feeling did not last long, and I made friends as I grew up through school. Friendship groups evolved, people tried less hard to fit and I became less uptight. I remember those days of not belonging as difficult and sad though, and I never want to be there again. I've now learned to deal with the fact, that when I go to new places and meet new people that I am different and that is OK. I have learnt that there are times when I want to belong that I need to push myself into situations that aren't necessarily ones that I feel comfortable in - situations that challenge me and surprise me. Today, although finding it difficult and frustrating at times, relish those challenging and surprising times. When I was 11 I couldn't do that, but now I can, and I love being me. I'm not normal (what is normal?) and I am happy to be different.
There is a need, though, in anyone to belong. Belonging helps create a sense of identity. Our identity is not only in ourselves alone, but in who we are when we are with others. Falseness should never come into it. When we truly belong we can expose our weaknesses without fear of breaking ties, we can be really stupid, yet still loved. This was modelled by Jesus - who loved the tax collectors and the prostitutes and the disciples who asked stupid questions......
Why is it then, when belonging is so important, that we make it so difficult for people to belong? We expect them to be like us, to change. We avoid difficult issues just in case they might come between us. When obvious differences are exposed we use them as an excuse to move away and try and belong somewhere else. For me, belonging has changed because I have learned to deal with the things that meant I didn't belong. Those things are still there though, they don't go away. The need to be the same, the need to conform.
It makes me sad, in particular, when people feel like they are not welcome to belong to a church community. They are 'not good enough' or they have 'issues'. They are too different to anything the church has seen before. If you are the only one of something then groups of people who are the same find it difficult to relate to you. Why should someone who has learning difficulties find there is no place for them in church to learn? Why should someone who is single find there is no place for them in church unless they can be paired up? Why can someone not be accepted with the health issues they have without people trying to fix them? We would like to say that we are an inclusive church - that anyone could come and be welcome, be treated equally, but is that what we really do?
To become a person who was able to belong, I had to change the way I approached things, but not everyone is able to do that. Why should the one who wants to belong nearly always be the one who has to change? Surely the group of people the person wants to belong to need to change too?
Jesus said 'love your neighbour as yourself' not 'love your neighbour as they change'.
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