At a conference for Women Leaders, I was chairing a question panel and a question I asked got thrown back in my direction like a boomerang, and as often happens when unexpected things are thrown at me, I bumbled my way through the answer with a bit of waffle. The question was something about what things need to be put in place to thrive as a single woman in ministry. I've chewed a bit on this question ever since. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I am a very settled single. My singleness is often more of a problem (or status of intrigue) for others than it is for me. As I have changed jobs, the question of marital status and family life has been raised again, and the big question of where I find support has been brought up in many a conversation.
Whilst my answer to the question at the conference ended up with 'I model myself on Miranda really', I think that there is a better answer than that, and during the last week as I have spent a lot of time with family and led the wedding celebration service for my nephew - the first of the generation below me to get married - I've been reflecting on this.
Everybody is different. I'm an introvert for a start, which means I am very happy with my own company, and that helps. I don't need to be with other people to fill my sink up - although sometimes I do. But, there are things I have intentionally put in place (and other things I have just been blessed with), which might help answer the question.
I have the amazing blessing of a good and close family who understand ministry. I know that if I need to talk to someone who gets it and gets me, then I have that support on the end of the phone. My family lives too far away for my liking, and it is no secret that before I settled in South London I asked God to move me to the Midlands so I could be closer to more of my family. He chose not to, but because of that, I've made sure that I put some flexibility into my diary so that I can see my family if I need to..... and I have learnt that I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I am at my best when I make time to spend time with those who know me best and love me unconditionally.
I have a network of friends who I've built up over the years who don't need me to be their minister - those who give as much and more than they get. I have friends who check up on me, who remember the significant moments in my diary and who pray for me regularly. Most of them live far away, but we manage - and I'm a good base for going into London so, although I don't always get chance to travel, my house is a convenient hotel for guests who are happy to mow my grass (although it's not compulsory).
Since being in ministry I have chosen to opt in to local Baptist family support networks. Nobody gets Baptist ministry like a Baptist minister. I have been blessed with honest, gracious and wise cluster groups and local colleagues who have walked with me through some of the most difficult bits of the journey and celebrated with me through the good stuff. Never underestimate the support of those around.
And finally, I make sure I have distractions from ministry, even if it means relying on myself to provide the fun! I walk to think things through, stomping out my frustrations, finding stillness and talking it out with God. I have learnt the art of eating alone without feeling odd and I love a spontaneous solo theatre or concert trip. You don't need other people to be free to do these things. I have joined a choir, because I know a good sing always makes the world better. The choir demands nothing of me, but gives me community. And if in doubt, there are always boxsets.
I can't say that it is always easy, and I get it wrong sometimes, and days off can be just me being a terrible grump (stay away!). I need two hours to wind down after an evening meeting, and that can be a lonely place. But, I'm aware that we all struggle and I don't have to have everything sorted.
One thing that I was taught at college was that if something drains your sink, always put something in place to fill it up - so I always try to follow up a difficult visit or conversation with something good - whether that's meeting someone who always makes me feel better, or going to that place where God feels close and the beauty of creation sings good things into my soul. I try not to stay empty for too long and I've learned to recognise the signs. I'm a chronic overthinker and regularly have anxiety nightmares, and I'm trying out new things to help with that. Not always successful, but I'm trying. My most recent mantra is "you've said it, you can't change it now, leave it behind". When you are on your own, you learn to self soothe instead of having another person do that for you, and that does take a lot of effort sometimes, but it's worth it.
At the end and the beginning of all of this, I come back to the fact that God called me as me - and that includes my relationship status. I don't need to have what anyone else has or be who anyone else thinks I should be, because God knew who I was and who I will become before he called me by name. I have confidence in God, and that is what matters. If I can keep coming back to that, I think - I know - all will be well. And that, when everything else has fallen away, is what keeps me being all that he has made me to be. For that, I am eternally thankful.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10
