I'm Awkward

I'm awkward. 

There you go, I said it. 

I'm not awkward in a bad way (I think anyway), I'm awkward in the way that people don't know how to deal with me. I would rather stand on the edge of the crowd watching people and joining in when I feel I want to (that's not because I'm shy, I'm most definitely not shy, but because I'm really not that into small talk). I don't hug (I just don't, there is nothing wrong with that?), I avoid holding hands at certain points in church (why do people make you do that?), I don't clap (it hurts, why would you deliberately hurt yourself?), I sometimes come across as a bit.... well.... odd. 

I'm awkward. 

I'm awkward because I am one of those people who finds stuff difficult to engage with unless I am involved, hands on. I am a dreaded kinesthetic learner, perhaps leaning a bit on the visual, but most definitely kinesthetic. I don't engage with stuff unless I'm involved in the leading or involved in the doing. I can't help it..... it's just the way I am. 

I'm awkward.

I'm awkward when it comes to worship events. I have a had a lot of people say to me recently - that was really good and I'm a bit mmmm...... yeah, whatever you say. I'm the one that sits at the back looking really grumpy, a bit disengaged, fiddling with my phone, flicking through my Bible. 

It's not because I don't want to be there (although sometimes I don't). It's not because I don't love church (I do, I do, I do). It's not because I don't enjoy worshipping God...... it's because I am sick of the default position of being passive - being a passenger on a ship with the leader as the Captain telling me where I am going..... 

I want to be hands on. I want to be liberated, empowered, excited, energised. For me, sitting back, words kind of there, doesn't do it for me. I get frustrated that too many people love the passive so much that I have to lead in a way that assumes a passive congregation. I get frustrated that too many people love being the captain so much they assume the congregation don't want to get involved. I get frustrated that when you let the passengers be part of the crew nobody quite knows what to do. 

What frustrates me most, however, is that this mono-voiced way of being church is the norm, the expected, the default.

I've been reading Multi-Voiced Church by Stuart and Sian Murray Williams. They speak about how when there has been a renewal in the church it has often involved the voices of the many, that although there is a place for one voice, there is more of a place for many voices. Where all are seen as equal and able to participate this enriches the worship experience, enables and empowers the church and make us more confident in our faith. 

So perhaps I'm not awkward, perhaps I'm just thirsty for change. Perhaps Kinesthetic learners need to be taken seriously and not just seen as the ones who find it difficult to engage. Perhaps we need to take seriously the need to change our default settings to new and empowering ones. I don't want to be Times New Roman any more. 

"This is what I mean, my friends. When you meet for worship, one person has a hymn, another a teaching, another a revelation from God, another a message in strange tongues, and still another the explanation of what is said. Everything must be of help to the church". 1 Corinthians 14:26

Taking time over the journey......

When I was learning to teach I quickly learned the art of the three part lesson. Starter, teaching and practising, plenary. Starter gets your brain going, then you do the deep stuff (maths is well deep), then you sum it up. I always felt a bit of a bad teacher when these three parts didn't quite link together. For me the forming of a lesson was a bit of an art form - the flow from one part of the lesson to another meant that the pupils needed to be taken on a journey - whether they liked it or not. 

Sometimes my lessons would not fit nicely into a block of an hour and the three parts would be extended over a series of lessons. These were lessons that generally involved some kind of project - that dreaded group work that I inflict on others but find difficult myself. In these lessons I would be the facilitator and not the teacher, I'd guide and answer the questions, but the learning and teaching would be done by the pupils themselves. These lessons were at their best when I could leave them to it and dream..... Again though, these lessons took the pupils on a journey where from the same base thinking they came up with something beautiful and often very creative, taking the mathematical journey to different stages and arriving at different places. These were the lessons I tended to enjoy most as I watched the learning unfolding before my eyes. 

I've brought a lot of my experience from teaching into ministry. Only a couple of times have I had people say that I sound a bit like a teacher - perhaps when I am getting people to be quiet or when I get people to write stuff down. One of the things that I often have said to me, particularly after a worship service, is 'you put a lot into that' - mostly not in a bad way (like information overload) but in a 'you put a lot of effort into that' kind of way.

I've just finished reading 'The Art of Curating Worship' by Mark Pierson. I wrote a post about it a while ago (it takes me a long time to read any kind of Christian book I'm not reading for college or in preparation for something). What attracted me to this book was the idea of worship leader as curator - it resonated with what I saw as my role in the classroom as more of a facilitator whenever it was possible. Pierson talks of the planning that goes into any worship event, the journey that people are taken on and how the aims of the service should not only be reflected in the preachy bit but throughout the whole event.... and for me.... this feels right. 

So this is why when I am thinking about and planning worship I become absorbed in the event throughout the whole of the week preceding, why it might appear that I put a lot into it (most of the time the ideas are formed when I am doing other stuff, it's just gathering it together). I try and put as much thought into the whole journey (which should continue after the blessing has been said) as I do the sermon. Pierson suggests that planning an act of worship needs to take serious thought and time.... when balancing life sometimes it's difficult to do that... but to honour God, perhaps that time needs to be taken..... the effort is most definitely worth it. 

Interestingly Pierson also says that number 37 of his list of things the church he is part of must be and do is 'party well'. I like that. We should have more parties as church, it's part of our journey of knowing and loving one another (and I love good parties, they are excellent fun). 

Slooowwly does it.....

I love eating out. Sitting down with friends, chatting as other people serve us and we savour what is hopefully good food and don't do the washing up afterwards. For me particularly good eating out generally has to be a bit of an experience - the food needs to be good, the atmosphere needs to be right, the company engaging and I do not need to be rushed. 

Never rush me. Please never rush me.

I love the places where I am able to sit and be as I eat - where plates aren't taken away too early and nobody hovers to see if you have finished. The best people to eat out with are those who are happy to take their time and not worried about getting to the next thing. That's not always possible, but long and lazy lunches or dinners are something I really enjoy. The best food is food that is not what you would normally cook at home and brings an element of surprise or pleasure. I love tiramisu and I savour every mouthful as it reaches all of my senses. Desserts are not made to be gobbled down but are made to be savoured.....

I've gradually learned the art of quality and not quantity. It's never about the amount of food you get but it's about the taste, smell, look, feel and even sometimes sound of the food (there is something exciting about the sound of a sizzling dish as it is brought over to your table). 

One of my favourite meals out was in a restaurant in the Algarve. It was bizarrely an English country restaurant (as you do) but was the closest one to the flat in which we were staying. We'd watched the flambeing of the pancakes of the table next door... but then they came to my Creme Brulee (second favourite dessert - the crack, the smoothness) and the waiter put whatever alcohol it was in the jug, set fire to it, and poured the blue flame from jug to jug. It was spectacular. 

My nightmare meal out is at a £3.95 carvery. Pile high, eat fast, cheap food, cattle market. You know what you are going to get, but it's all the same. 

I spotted someone buying a book called 'The Art of Curating Worship' by Mark Pierson and bought it because it looked interesting. He relates this contrast of good and bad eating experiences to our experience in worship. He talks about the 'slow-food movement' which 'involves valuing time to prepare, eat, and build community through food'. He begins to explore what he calls 'slow worship' where worship is based around the culture of the community rather than around a pre-packaged worship meal that is the same all the time. The time taken to prepare, experience and build community through worship is really important. Pierson says that the idea of 'slow worship' might mean that we come to worship with a real expectation that we will encounter God. 

When I eat out I savour the experience. 

When our worship services are clinical or pre-packaged or something to get over with so we can get on with the day then we might as well eat at a cheap carvery..... it'll do, for a moment, but is it an experience worth having?