'Maybe I don't want to talk to you right now'

I am the sort of person who is happy to spend time with people in companionable silence. I don't need to talk. The thing that makes companionable silence different to just silence is that it doesn't become awkward. There is a recognition that just being there makes the difference and if there are silences it doesn't matter. There is space to enjoy your own thoughts and know that the other person doesn't mind. You don't need to fill the silence, because the silence makes the time together better. 

Now I have a bit more time in my life, because college has broken up for the summer, and the weather is unusually non-Lancashire (in that it is dry) I have been trying to walk more. Yesterday I walked to one of the most beautiful places I can walk to from my house (within a sensible length of time). I always forget how beautiful it is until I walk there. The last time I walked there was in deep snow, but this time it was in full blown summer, and although the same place it was very different. 

There are a few reasons why I walk. Firstly, it is good for me. Secondly, I enjoy it - it helps me stomp out some of the frustrations of the days and gives me time to reflect and thirdly because it is where God and me sometimes have a bit of a conversation - where God speaks to me most - maybe because I just have time to be. 

On the way to the most beautiful place I said to God, 'so tell me, what is it you want me to do next'. I felt him saying to me, 'maybe I don't want to talk to you right now, maybe I just want to walk with you as you enjoy your surroundings'.

There's always that moment when you think, 'well is that actually what God is saying?', yet this made me stop in my tracks. Sometimes we can be so busy looking to the next, we forget the beauty of what is around.... and because of that I walked through the most beautiful place slowly and looked up and around. 

The most beautiful place is a wood, a wood where there are dark places the sun doesn't get to, that even after the recent sunny days are still boggy, a wood where the sunlight shines through and dapples the path ahead, a wood where there are many different types of trees - some old, some new, but beautiful (trees are actually really quite beautiful). 

I noticed that a lot of the trees had branches that were twisting and turning as they were reaching to the light - like the growth in the canopy above changed year on year so the direction of growth of the trees changed year on year. The path of growth is always heading upwards but stops and changes direction from side to side when it needs to. Fixed on the light it knows where to go. 

I often wonder when we try and look at the light of God we look to the step ahead on the road we are going in first before we look at where we are now in relation to him. If we only look in the direction we know then we miss where God's light is actually shining. Yesterday God's light was shining on where I was right then - he wanted me to appreciate his beauty in creation, seeing how creation responds to him and the natural laws he has created. 

God and me in companionable silence. Sometimes that's all I need and I forget that as I wait for something profound. Right now I am determined to rest with him as I wait..... no awkward silence, just peace. 

Welcome to Narnia

One of the key points for me in Narnia has always been the lampstand. It represents a world come from to a world revealed. It is a key signpost home and it has links with the past. 

I am blessed to live in a beautiful part of the country where we have our own hill. We don't actually own it, but if you live in Ramsbottom then Holcombe Hill is your hill. It rises above the town, marking a boundary point and an observation point. On top of the hill is Peel Tower that you can see for miles around. When you are coming home, the tower appears, so you know home is near. Living at the foot of the hill occasionally there is an urge to climb the hill. The last time that happened to me was on Easter Monday on 4 hours of sleep. This morning at 6am I had that urge again. 

The thing with climbing the hill is that it takes you above and outside of real life. You can look down, and this morning particularly clearly, even see as far as Manchester. You gradually remove yourself from the world of normality and get time to stop and think. At the top of the hill is a bench. That bench is one of the best placed benches I know with amazing views, yet rarely when I want to sit on it is there anyone else on it - there is always space to sit and be. 

When I go up the hill from my house I tend to go up a cobbled old road. On this road, about half way up, is a lamp post. It's a proper Narnia lamp stand. This morning it signified the removal of myself from all the agitation of everyday life. At that point on the walk I felt I was entering Narnia - an imaginary world detached from the mundane, the irritation, the problems. 

Narnia is not a place where problems disappear. When you think about Narnia it is not a fantasy world of perfection like many other children's books might portray as the problems of the world left are still there, but different. Edmund is still an idiot and makes the wrong choices, Lucy is still an annoying small child, but with great wisdom, Peter is still the annoying older brother, but who wants to look out for his siblings. Susan is still Susan (I never really liked Susan - don't know why). 

Going past the lampstand for me today was not a run away from the problems and difficulties and agitations of normal life but was a step aside from them. A chance to look down and across at them and to say 'God, here you go, help me with this, what's your perspective?'.

When you take some time and sit apart from the world that troubles you it is easier to get some God perspective.

We can't expect to take ourselves into a Narnia of oblivion where all our problems disappear - that place doesn't exist, but in Narnia we might expect to meet Aslan - who in the stories is symbolic of Jesus who takes all of our burdens, helps us to carry them and gives us peace. 

Jesus said this:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”                                   Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

Running in last place

My school sports day was held on a field down the road from school as we didn't have a field close to the buildings. We would all troop down one afternoon to watch people run and throw and jump and try and behave ourselves. One race that was never on that afternoon was the 1500 metres, because it took far too long. I once ran it. It was a lonely race. I came last.

When I was teaching, the 1500 metres was always one of the deciders. In the 1500 metres there is always someone in last place. That person is needed for points but how much they are needed isn't realised until they are the only runner finishing for the crucial point. The winning house in sports day could be decided by that point. That runner got encouraged when they were the only runner, but got ignored in the rest of the race.

The last place runner carries the burdens of the team without the team realising that they've been carried. The last place runner only runs because there is no one else to run. The last place runner is the one who is there - only noticed when needed - only noticed when there is nothing better to do. 

The trend when I was at uni was to write nice things about one another on a piece of paper to take away. I've still got a few, but there was one comment that always sticks out - I read it over and over because in some ways it's great, but in some ways it confines me to last place:

'Thanks Claire for being the one to come and chat when I've been on my own'. 

The last place runner. It's OK to be there sometimes but there are times you want to be first - first picked for the team - noticed for your gifts and abilities first rather than only when there is no one else who can do the job. Noticed for the burden you are carrying before you collapse beneath the weight of it. 

There are good things about running in last place but sometimes you need to be walked with, led to the front, recognised, complimented and loved for being someone different to the one who is there when no one else is. 

Jesus said: "So the last will be first, and the first will be last". (Matt 20:16)

But in this he is not saying we are going to swap places, but that we are all given the same opportunity, the same hope, the same gift of grace that means we can be forgiven if we choose to accept the forgiveness God gives through Jesus. 

So as someone who too often finds herself running in last place, jumping up and down and shouting 'I'm here' (one of the problems of being a quiet introvert who needs to have time to think), this gives me hope of  a future where there is no last place. 

But for now..... if, as I am, you are seeking to be Christ-like....... perhaps we need to be looking for those who are running on their own behind the rest of the field we are naturally inclined to cheer on and think about how we might walk with them, encourage them, compliment them, inspire them and enable them as they run to the finish line without collapsing beneath the whole team's burdens or the exhaustion of racing alone. 

For the love of a song

Sometimes when I am stressed or at a loose end I forget that playing the piano normally chills me out and fills the time. Today was one of those days, but as I started playing my fingers wouldn't move in the right direction for Beethoven - think they had seized up - so I turned to my trusty All Woman song book to have a play and sing. The advantage of living in a detached house is that I can play and sing as loud as I'd like.

The thing I noticed in these songs today is that firstly they are all about love, and secondly about pining after lost love (apart from diamonds are forever which is about stuffing love, having diamonds because love is too much of a hassle).

Since when have we got to the point that all we can sing about is love? The content of the songs speak volumes about how women approach love - there us an air of dependence, a hint of 'lose love, lose yourself'. I wonder if it speaks of a tradition of submission and in that needing to be needed. In the songs the woman pines for the man's affection and hopes not to be let down.

'Anything for you, but you're not here'
'Baby how I miss your love.... I need you'
'Love, soft as an easy chair'

OK, maybe the last one is not so needy - but, seriously? If love is soft as an easy chair I wouldn't want it.

This morning I read that classic description of love from 1 Corinthians 13. It speaks not of a needy love, not of a love that is soft and squishy but of a love that is strong, deeply grounded and challenging. If we were to love with all of the qualities of that chapter we would be some sort of love superhero.

Patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful, not proud, not rude, doesn't want its own way, not irritable, keeps no record of wrong, does not rejoice about injustice, rejoices in a truth win, never gives up, never loses faith, always hopeful, endures through all circumstances.

Well hard.

I've seen too many of my female friends strive after the song descriptions of love (and, I have to admit I've done this myself) - a needy love, a love that keeps you hanging on, a love that is soft and squishy and..... Well kind of lovely.

But I wonder if that degrades us as women. As we seek this kind of love we miss the depth of unconditional love - love that lies its foundations on the description of love that speaks of God in 1 Corinthians 13 - love that gets so agitated about injustice it has to do something about it. Love that never fails.

As broken humans to love in that way is hard because stuff lies around - insecurities, failed relationships, barriers (like diamonds that are forever) and a need to be needed. But.... In love for family and friends, for stranger and neighbour, there is a description of love to work towards. Then we might have something different to sing about.

Back to the Beethoven. It's safer.

A man on a horse and flowers on a cross

A couple of weeks ago I was in Prague with other students from across Europe thinking about spirituality and discipleship. While there we were encouraged to spend time on an Urban Spirituality Retreat. This involved looking at the Urban landscape – the buildings mainly for me - and spending more time focussing on them than your normally would – noticing things that you wouldn’t normally notice and waiting on what God might have to say to you. It involved standing still in the freezing cold for a while, which was distracting! But in that standing still, and making space just to be in God’s presence God showed me some things.....

I left the metro at Museum station which takes you to the Museum (as you'd think...). This is at the top of Wenceslas Square, where a horse is ridden majestically by Wenceslas, the patron saint of Bohemia, ready to make its way down the grandeur of the Square (which is more like an avenue). The statue quickly distracts you and points you into the city. Wenceslas was martyred because of his Christian faith.

As I approached I noticed some flowers lying on the floor on the opposite side of the road to the statue. Instead of following the swarms of people heading down the square I went to look. The flowers were lying on a bronze cross. The cross is almost flat on the floor and could be easily missed because the statue and the Museum draw your eyes away from the cross. I found out later that the cross is a memorial to Jan Palach and Jan Zajic – two people who stood up against injustice through communist rule. Both died in demonstration in the 1960s and were buried away from the centre of the city. After the Velvet revolution this cross was laid in their memory.

As I stared at the cross my eyes were again drawn to the majestic majesty of Wenceslas. It reminded me of Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem. On that day the crowds view of a saviour was in total contrast to what would happen later in the week, just as the huge statue contrasted to the cross that lay on the floor. The story of Holy Week speaks of an unlikely victory, and a victory that can easily be missed.

When we lay memorials we do it so we have space to remember. We might have special dates when we remember or certain places. Wenceslas was remembered as a King straight after his death because of his heroic profession of his faith. The two Jan’s were remembered for their sacrifice, years after they died for a regime that took as many years to be overthrown. There were probably people who celebrated them because of their sacrifice – but for me – I knew of Wenceslas, but had to find out who the cross was for - and I think that says something about how we look at Jesus - we need to ask those questions. Why the cross?

On entering Holy Week we enter it with that Palm Sunday procession.... with preparations for a King.... with confidence and boldness. We enter with joy and gladness...... for the disciples perhaps they were built up by the excitement of the crowd – this man they followed would be crowned King. As the week went on, the crowd diminished, the hatred grew, and Jesus ended up alone on the cross, seemingly defeated.

The cross on the floor in Prague reminds the residents of where they have come from – they not only have a history of greatness, but also have a history of sadness and evil, which they were rescued from, and the two people who this cross remembers were significant on that journey. When you see the cross in Prague, you remember, but..... you could too easily miss it.....

The story of Holy Week is a story of new beginnings. In Jesus death and resurrection we have a new covenant – a new promise – a new life with God, and we remember why as we tell and hear the story during Holy Week.

Remembering is important. 

Remembering truth makes it less ritual and more real. 

Remembering truth stops the sanitisation of the good news to make it easy. 

Remembering truth helps to answer the questions of why and how. 

Remembering reminds me why it is Christ I follow. 

Thomas said to him [Jesus], "Lord we do not know where you are going so how can we know the way?"

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my father as well, from now on you do know him and have seen him."                          John 14:5-7 (NIV)

The wonder of pi.....

Today is international pi day. I love pi day. It's like a celebration of all that is beautiful about curves and circles. You can find pi in the most unexpected of places. Every pi day I have to listen to the pi song. It tells the story of the discovery of pi. Some of the lyrics go like this:

'...... The question resting on the Grecian hearts was what is the circumference of a circle.
But they were set on rational numbers, it ranks among their biggest blunders.....' 

And then goes on to talk of the light bulb moment when 'irrationality was realised' (irrational numbers can't be written as fractions making maths more difficult) - that 'something deep within them died' when they discovered pi. 

But without pi there would be no circles..... The earth would be flat........  Tides wouldn't work....... We couldn't describe sound or microwaves......

So the Greeks - they had to be challenged - they had to be stripped down to basics to understand this new and different concept. They had to dream dreams different to anything they had before as they discovered something new and life changing about God's creation.

If they had continued with what was comfortable and easy (fractions - yes they are!) And not had this desire to discover - to move forward - then their work would have been lacking. They stopped, were challenged, explored and transformed.

To believe in irrational numbers there had to be a step of faith.

As we get on with the every day and run from place to place without stopping it's too easy to avoid the potential for challenge, the potential to confront our biggest fears, the potential that God might show us something new.

(I learnt today that there is an approximation for pi of 3 in the Bible..... It doesn't mention pi but mentions the dimensions of a circle, which would work if pi was rounded to 3 - see 1 Kings 7: 23-24 or if we do a bit more maths it actually gets approx 3.14 https://www.purplemath.com/modules/bibleval.htm - how cool is that!)

Just to note - we're not really sure who discovered pi, but God created it...! 

Wondering in the clouds

Looking out of the window of a plane when I have travelled up through the murky grey above the fluffy white where the clouds look like cotton wool and the sun comes out always makes me feel a little like I am living out James and the Giant Peach in real life. I can't help but dream about James' descriptions of the men who lived in the clouds rolling up hail stones. In the tape we used to listen to in the car it always came across as something beautiful, something mysterious, something amazing. In flying above the clouds the mysteries and beauty of God's creation cannot help but come to the forefront of my mind. Why do so many people take photos from planes? Because the beauty and awesomeness never fails to amaze.

In an hour and a half flight it is difficult to be amazed for too long as the screams of children who clearly find flying painful and the worries over what might greet us on landing combine with a mix of excitement about the unknown and new.

That moment of wonder, in the busyness of what next is something to hold on to. 

It's too easy to forget the wonder in the every day. One of the challenges I have given myself this year is to make time to remember to stop and wonder. I turn off the TV at breakfast time and try (and often fail) to spend more time walking, praying and thinking instead of rushing from place to place. This lent there are a lot of people who have signed up to being 'not busy' as their discipline, yet being not busy becomes difficult. One of the challenges is to spend half and hour a day just 'being' which is something I've been trying to intertwine into my day (and a discipline I hope to continue indefinitely). We discussed in our pub bible study how being shattered gets in the way of our relationship with God and we were encouraged to make time to just be. A bit like a daily sabbath moment (if that's possible?). 

It's in those moments of wonder that I remember the glory of God, that I rest in his presence and remember that despite my smallness, God cares about me enough to know how many hairs are on my head........ and more. 

Why would I not want to have those wonder moments?


"God's plan is to make known his secret to his people, this rich and glorious secret which he has for all peoples. And the secret is that Christ is in you, which means that you will share in the glory of God"

Colossians 1:27