Calling in a world turned upside down

What do you do when your calling has been turned upside down, twisted and turned, snapped in places and left flailing in a weird liminal space that makes no sense to anyone, and you are trying to work out what it means to be called in a time that doesn't make sense in itself.....?

Someone said to me at the beginning of this pandemic when we had to shut down virtually all our activities that it must be hard for me as a community minister, but at the time I didn't really get it. 

But now I do. As I had begun to find a new identity in a new place it hasn't just been slowly unravelled, the very foundation of who I am has been ripped from beneath my feet. 

And I think I'm not the only one feeling that way. 

Why am I writing this blog? Because I want to acknowledge the pain. Because I want to recognise that this hurts. Because as we rediscover what life is, it's not some utopian dream, it's more like a rocky mountain climb where the top is far beyond anything we can see. As the present seems removed from anything we'd like it to be, where the things that level us and keep us upright are like greasy poles to cling with all our strength to, we've all got to recognise that we are not invincible, in fact we are right now the opposite of that, whatever that is. 

In YouTube algorithm style, the hymn 'Just as I am' came up on my YouTube given playlist. That hymn is so beautiful. The hymn writer Charlotte Elliot wrote it after a charity bazaar her brother held to raise money to provide education for the daughters of clergymen supported by the church. The night before the bazaar Elliot was kept awake overthinking about her own uselessness - she then went on to question the whole of her spiritual life and wondered whether she'd got it all wrong. The next day she remembered that to God, she was more than that and that his grace, his power, his promise overcame all of that*. 

When it comes down to it, however we are feeling, however true we believe we are being to the calling God has put on our lives - it is just as we are that God calls us to him, and it is just as we are we follow that call. 

And he will help us answer that call in all circumstances. Even now. 

Especially now. 

Just as I am - though toss'd about
With many a conflict, many a doubt
Fightings and fears within, without
- O Lamb of God, I come! 

*from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_As_I_Am_(hymn)

Picture from https://images.app.goo.gl/QUreGkT7UupUrdM78