A musical journey….

I love music. Good music makes my heart sing. I wake up in the morning and I listen to music. Music accompanies my day. When I’m feeling stressed a loud piano play helps me to find my way. I love to sit and listen and watch live music being created. One of my most precious moments was when I had my sound portrait painted and as the musicians played it felt like everything was right with the world. Music speaks of the beauty and glory of God and inspires my faith. A song caught in the air reminds me of the time I first heard it and the story of the journey I was on at the time. 

I collect songs - the songs that have become my theme songs in certain times and places - the songs that continue to speak to me and remind me of my calling and my identity in Christ. They are the songs that have got me through, that for a while I have listened to every morning to remind me of who I am and where I’m going. They are the songs that were in the right place at the right time. 

As I prepare to leave New Addington I’ve been reflecting on some of the songs that have documented my journey through the last few years of surprising and unexpected events. A bit like the desert island discs of my journey. They are on a playlist here . I won’t write about them all but here are four….

You Say - Lauren Daigle

My brilliant friend introduced me to this song at a time I was doubting my own abilities as I was exploring moving on before I even knew New Addington existed. It sat on repeat as I travelled further south than I ever expected and on my first drive to church after I had moved to New Addington it came on the radio (a surprise as I didn’t know it had been released). It speaks about how when the voices around you are saying you are not enough, when you’re suffering from imposter syndrome, that God says you are enough. Sometimes you need to hear that. I did for a time…. It reminds me of my friend, who has been a constant companion on the journey into and through ministry and, whenever I see her, her presence just makes everything seem right. 

For a time like this - Bethel Worship Arts (feat Cidney Dobrodt)

I stumbled across this song when preparing for worship as we sank deeper into lockdown and it became my theme song for a while. I listened to it every morning and whilst I was delivering food and letters to people. It spoke to me as the frustrations of the pandemic affected everyone and everything and caused brokenness and conflict. This song kept me going through the most difficult of days.

It came on in the car the other day and revisiting it reminded me of that time, the words “you were made for a time like this” singing to me in a new way as I have come to the realisation in the last few months that my calling to NABC has been for a season, that I was called here to lead the church through covid but not in what comes next. I was called for a winter season and as new life begins to appear, I hope to hear good stories of the things that emerge. 

I think it’s going to rain today - Nina Simone

This is a beautiful song and I love to sing and play it. I first sunk into its beauty when I heard a version of it on Gilmore Girls (my go to series if life needs soothing). It is played at a particularly sad part of the story when Lorelei and Rory stop talking as Rory moves into her Grandparents pool house. 

I listened to this a lot when I got back from sabbatical and picked up work again. The weight of the work we do as a church was getting heavier and the world seemed more broken and it was affecting each one of us, yet in amongst all of that there was goodness and hope and compassion and deep deep love. It’s a song that makes me feel sad but it also soothes me. It speaks about how when things are shattered, when people are shattered, that there is something about the human heart that shines despite. That’s the light and hope of Jesus shining through. Where I see the light shine within and be reflected in the shattered and distorted view in unexpected ways, there I see the goodness of God. 

Firm Foundation - Cody Carnes

This is my current earworm. I’ve been listening to it over and over since I first sang it at ministers conference a couple of weeks ago. It tells the story of how God has kept me upright, my life motto of finding joy despite, of finding peace that nobody understands. It even tells the story of the rain and the wind that have not just been a metaphor as we have suffered from far too many leaks and cracks in the manse (don't worry it has all been or is being sorted). It reminds me that when I’ve got my feet in the right place, that thriving, whatever is going on around, is possible. A song for now, I think, then we’ll see what comes next. 

And the other songs? They tell the stories of how God continues to be good and faithful, of the people around me who have helped me stand when my legs have been wobbly and of the hope that I have that continues to remind me that the way things are are not the way they have to be...... 

The Father's Song - I played this to the online congregation in our first lockdown service; The Blessing, that blessed so many of us during the first weeks of lockdown; In this heart that expressed so much of what I was feeling during the November lockdown in 2020; Hold On, as I held on with the help of my choir we sang this in a socially distanced group of six in the park in the dark in one of those surreal moments only the pandemic can explain; I'll fight, reminding me I can be so much with the support of others; Don't forget to Breathe, a constant reminder; Beautiful Things, that I wrote about here; Oh Holy Night, the theme of a weary Christmas at the end of a bonkers couple of months; The Goodness of God, because he is, and when it comes down to it, He is the firm ground on which I stand. 

What’s your go to song of the moment? 

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing. 

Zephaniah 3:17

Fault in the Shadows

 "Did living under the shadow of his high achieving wife lead to unthinkable tragedy? Details emerge of the tensions behind the picture perfect lives of the Epsom College head and her husband who "killed her and their daughter before turning the gun on herself" 

This is a Daily Mail headline this morning (11th Feb 2023). The reporter is commenting on the murder of Emma Pattison, head of Epsom College and daughter, Lettie, committed by her husband, George Pattison, who then went on to kill himself. 

This story has made the headlines, unlike other stories of women who have been murdered by their partners, because of the position that Emma Pattison held at Epsom College. She was a woman with a high profile. A woman who has achieved a lot in life. A woman who was a leader and an example to others. A woman who was trying to be all she could be. 

And because of that, journalists have decided that it is time to discuss whether she brought it upon herself because of her ambition and status. I have (reluctantly) read the article and other accompanying articles, and it gets worse than the headlines. I really hate the Daily Mail, but I know so many who read it.... so sometimes, like today, I dig in a little - just to see (a little disclaimer there). 

So... how do we respond to this? What do we do with this? 

At the moment I'm fuming, to be honest, in the knowledge that I know people who are full of love who choose to read this paper with all of this stuff. I am fuming knowing that this isn't just what came to the front of this one journalist's mind, but is a rhetoric that has run throughout history and is something that runs in all spheres of life, including the church. It is a rhetoric based on power struggles nobody asked to have and it is a symptom of our fallen world, where in Genesis 3 we see the created partnership of human beings distorted, as the first people turned away from God, and power and control came into play. 

But what can we do with all of this? 

We can get angry, yes. We can call it out.... but there are other things we can do too, and one thing we can do is keep reminding women that it is not their fault....

So here's the reminder.... 

It's not about what you wear, or what you have done or what you have said. It is not about what you do for a job or your level of knowledge on the things you have studied. It is not about whether you returned that call when you couldn't or weren't answering the text when you were talking with your friends. It is not about whether you have money or are relying on the provision of others. It is not about whether you are struggling with health or caring for someone who can't. It is not about whether you remembered to pick up shopping today or had the tea cooked at exactly the right time. It is not because you walk home alone or like to go running. It is not because you disagreed or had an opinion. It is not because you pick your teeth or play your music too loud. 

It is not your fault. It's not you. 

Our God is a God of life and not death, of flourishing and not diminishing.

Our God created human beings with potential and gifting, and we glorify him when we work to thrive in the fields he has called us to.

Don't let the blame game, the power games, hold you back from being all you can be. 

It is not your fault. It's not you.