This morning I read one of those articles that someone regularly puts up in ministers groups that speculates on what life will look like once what the new normal is is revealed.
I realised after I read it that I don't want to read articles like this anymore. I don't want to read your musings which are influenced by your own dreams of church about what church will look like post lockdown. I can't do it any more.
If there is anything this time is teaching us is that we need to wait and see. I remember just before we had to close our buildings and the feeling in those groups was that we had to make contingency plans and I did that but then two days later I ripped it all up and started again because all the social distancing ideas we put in place were not possible anymore.
If this time teaches us anything it teaches us that we can't be in control of this. We can't predict how things are going to go. We can have ideas, we can have dreams, we can imagine that church will become everything we want it to be, but that doesn't mean that will happen.
Our future practise will arise from our experience. I believe our call right now is to be reflective practitioners, to listen and to learn from what is happening and adjust our direction to the hand that is tugging us down the path we might not have quite noticed before.
I was sat in a webinar (hate that word) on listening to God in lockdown on Thursday night after the end of a long day when the things that needed to be sorted in the long day had not been sorted and I was feeling a bit disheartened. One of the contributors (forgive me for forgetting who) used the image of learning to ride a bike. At the moment it's like our stabilisers have been taken off and we are very much trying to find them again to find balance.... but actually maybe our call is not to find the stabilisers, maybe actually what is happening right now is that God is helping us to learn to ride in the way he is calling us without them.
Those stabilisers (the weekly gathering that grounds us, the routine that keeps us in rhythm) have been taken off completely, not just lost, and God has let go of the saddle as we learn to peddle in the way he has taught us to on a journey that has an unknown destination as yet. Perhaps right now, we just need to learn to ride. When you first learn to ride a bike, it's not to go anywhere, it's to learn to adjust your balance as necessary, peddle at the right pace without getting dizzy, to turn the handle bars when the signs tell you to, to press the brakes at the right pressure and to put your feet down to stop when that's what you need to do and not just fall off because the stablisers aren't there to prevent that falling anymore.
We learn to ride by getting on that bike, reflecting on our experience when we end up with a grazed knee, and doing it a bit differently next time so it doesn't hurt in the same way anymore.
Our destination is not in our hands right now, and while we can dream and hope, we can't fix our eyes on anything but the direction that will be revealed over time. Our future holds many possibilities, but now is not time to predict the one route that future will take us down. Now is the time to let that route arise from the steps to which we are called. Now is the time to let that route arise from within the community we serve. Now is the time for that route to be revealed by the one who knows when we will be ready to see the destination.
One of the meditations of the day in the Northumbria Community Daily Prayer talks about how "if you must lead, let it be like the wind and all its unshackled direction". That strikes me every time I read it, and is particularly appropriate right now.
Now is the time to listen to the wind, because the wind, it blows wherever it wishes.
Photo from https://www.flickr.com/photos/danbax/8568310235/
My new house is beautiful - I love it - I'm really pleased with how it looks and just under three months of living in it, it's home. I feel settled and I look round and can't believe how privileged and happy I am to call it home.
My garden, however, is another story. I have more flowers in it than my old garden (which managed to grow St John's Wort like it was going out of fashion but not much else) but also more weeds..... monster weeds too.
I am no gardener, but I do understand the importance of making sure that weeds are removed - I'm on it - slowly but surely - I'm on it. The other week I weeded out a whole bed and I was going to plant some things in it, but instead of buying plants last week I went to Eastbourne to see the sea and get attacked by gulls (because....). The other evening I walked into my garden and decided to start on the monster weeds on the other side. I filled an ikea bag and looked at the previously weeded bed and realised that needed a re-weed before the weeds became monster again.
Weed.....
Although I am no gardener, I often reflect on how leading a church is a bit like being a gardener - and as I got frustrated at all the weeding I inevitably turned to thinking about church leadership. Before I moved I kept meeting church leaders who told me that the first few months are crucial because that's when you can go in and change everything - tell them you're not having it that way.
Rip the weeds out fast - then turn round and take the monster weeds out of the other side of the garden.....
Except that's not how I am called to lead - because if you concentrate on simply ripping out you don't deal with the roots underneath and the weeds just grow back. Change doesn't happen by ripping the old out, change happens by gently nurturing and cultivating the community in the way of Christ (remember Slow Church? If you've never come across it have a look here....)
In the bed I cleared first, although the weeds are beginning to show through again, they're much smaller, and when it cools down a bit I will revisit and then get on and plant some stuff..... but I do know within those weeds, underneath the soil and growing above it are plants to be nurtured and rediscovered - things of beauty that are ready to flourish..... bulbs waiting to come to life and grow again when their season begins, a plant that has stood strong although it has been surrounded by dock leaves and grass and there has been an attempt to choke it with bind weed and a massive excitable Buddliea that attracts all sorts of beautiful butterflies and grows with crazy abundance and will eventually need a bit of pruning.
And as I journey on in this adventure, looking for what is growing already, for the potential in what has already been planted and for new opportunities to grow something new, as I continue to work on those weeds that will inevitably come back, but weaker and with less space to grow, and nurture the plants that are growing already, I wait with anticipation at what the seasons will bring and to the time that bed becomes beautiful in a new and unique way.
This morning I've been stuck in the world of the first Christian martyr, Stephen. Acts 6 and 7 tells the story of him being enabled as a leaders because of the potential that was seen in him, him flourishing in the role he was commissioned into, him being taken to trial by those who saw him as a massive threat, him defending his life with an impassioned plea and defence of what he had been doing and then finally with his death....
This is all we really know of Stephen. A promising leader, enabled by the early church, but whose time as a leader was cut short by those who were threatened by the things he was saying and doing.
And that's where I came up with the title to this blog.... it was going to be the title of my sermon but I think it's gone another direction.....
Leadership is sometimes hard. As a church leader I'm called to lead the church forward, but am pulled back by the ones who want to keep it the same. I'm the person who needs to be there when it hurts most and the person who it is most OK to say what you want to, however much it hurts me because that's part of my job. I have a thick skin, but even those with a thick skin have points where the skin is a little bit thinner.
Leadership is hard. We're trying to keep up with the world as it moves at a speedy pace, but slow down and be and help others to manage the speed when they are injured or flailing or simply struggling with life.
Leadership is hard, and the expectations we place on our leaders often make it so much harder....
I've begun eating my lunch in car parks too often recently. Sometimes going from place to place and not having time to do a 'big shop' or the inclination to be organised at home means that I have experienced some interesting places to eat (I think I'm probably just a bit disorganised with lunch). But then, this week I have had a number of people tell me that they haven't even been able to make time for lunch because the tumbling waterfall of meetings has meant that it has all become a bit of a sprint.
And the not eating lunch is just the tip of the iceberg. Underneath the surface, the paddling, for many, is frantic and keeping up with the demands of those they lead and also those who lead the leaders is something that simply cannot be sustained.
One thing you can say about Stephen, in a time of continuing change, is that he never let up in doing the things he was called to. In fact he was called to do the things that were too much for the apostles to do.... and if he had lived perhaps he would have needed to raise leaders to do the things that were too much for him to do as the church changed and grew.
So here's the thing.... as we reflect on the difficult job that we have been called to in leadership - whether that is in church or other work, we need to make sure that we don't get to the point where our legs are so tired we can't paddle anymore - and don't even get to the point where we end up in the waterfall that means we can't even reach out and grab some lunch.
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week, and seems an appropriate time to raise the issue of self care. If we are to be effective in what we are being called to do, we must make sure that we are given enough time to process, to work through, to eat, to be.... that incessant paddling to keep our heads above water? It's not good for us, it's not healthy and it doesn't make for a leader who is able to be who they have been called to be.
To the leaders who are paddling hard at the moment - reach your arms up and ask for help to be lifted out of this never ending cycle because you can't keep it up forever. The expectations on you at the moment are clearly too great. Don't go to that meeting, cancel that appointment... those things they will wait... Don't begin anything new until you've either done or crossed out everything that is on your list and you can begin again. It's not a sprint, and we all need time to refresh. Take your day off!
To the leaders of leaders who are watching the paddling as you paddle - reach out and hold your leaders up. Reach out and together get out of the fast flow. Just because you work at a pace that can manage all this, it doesn't mean that everyone else can too. Just pause for a moment.... there are some things that will wait.... just pause, and be. And lead by example... make space for lunch, for days off, for holidays, for refreshment.
To those being led, take care of your leaders. They are not invincible, they're human. Check they are getting the space to eat, to relax, to sleep, and if they're not hold them to account - ask them why.... and then when you've asked them why, do something about it. Stop complaining and encourage. Affirm their position, their calling and be positive. You may not agree with everything a leader asks you to do, but there are ways of saying it.... check your tongue and stop sending those e-mails past 9pm.
Stephen died because he was doing what he was called to do, enabled by the Holy Spirit to care for the church and to share the good news with those he met. We must release our leaders to do just this, to do what they have been called to do, and thankfully, because we live in a different time to Stephen, we can hopefully be sure that they will then go on to flourish and grow and help to release others to continue the work they began.
If you are struggling right now, with stress, with workload, with worry, with anything else, then don't struggle alone. There are people who will stand with you, walk with you, listen to you, hold the load for you. We are not made to be alone, and no-one should ever need to do all of this alone. My prayer for you is that you will find companions and helpers on the journey who will carry you as you need to be carried, hide with you as you need to hide and shield you from whatever comes your way. Ultimately, God is carrying you through this and you can find shelter in him.
Doctor Who? A Woman? Surely not....
Last night as the news about the new Doctor Who came out and as people reacted with distaste, celebration and indifference, I was watching The Handmaid's Tale. The episode ended with June (or Offred - her Handmaid name - Of Fred - belonging to Fred) playing the music box she had been given by her mistress. It's one of those music boxes with a twirling ballerina.
As June watches the box she reflects on how the ballerina can only dance when somebody else opens the box. It's an allegory of her life. I won't give too much away, just in case you haven't seen that episode yet, but she is only allowed out of the box of her role as a handmaid when her master or mistress allow.
And she says, determined and focused....
"I will not be that girl in the box".
Margaret Atwood who wrote The Handmaid's Tale, said that she made a rule for herself when she wrote it - that she "....would not include anything in it that human beings had not already done in some other place or time, or for which the technology did not already exist". The book (which I've read at least 3 times) and the series, even without being read or watched in the light of this, makes for disturbing reading and viewing. The TV series is an adaptation which draws away from some of the book's narrative, but it has the same centre, the same fear, the same ability to make you uncomfortable in your seat as you have been the one who has not spoken out against injustice and the subjugation of women; not spoken out against genocide and cruel acts done in the name of 'what is right and proper'; not spoken out against misogynistic culture that puts women in boxes and only enables them to dance with permission....
But what has this got to do with Doctor Who?
Well to be honest, I only made the link, because when I tweeted June's last words in the episode, someone tweeted back and said that my tweet was at odds with the message he was hearing from Doctor Who - referring to the new Doctor Who and what will be her tendency to fly around time in a big blue box. I reflected back that actually perhaps it could be more at odds with those who are horrified that a woman could be the doctor.
There is nothing to say that the doctor couldn't be a woman, yet the controversy around the possibility and now the reality is (probably not unsurprisingly) one that has made a number of self claimed die hard Doctor Who fans (men and women) feel so uncomfortable they have declared their intentions never to watch it again. The doctor has always been a (white) man and will always be a man... end of.
The issue I have with this is not an argument about the possible gender of Doctor Who, as to be honest, I don't really care, but is that the argument has come from a place that over history has put some people (women in particular, but this isn't the only issue) in a box that is only allowed to be opened when the owner wants the ballerina to dance.
It is in the story of the female lorry driver I met in tears outside a local farm shop because she didn't know whether she could carry on anymore because she didn't feel safe around the male lorry drivers who treated her with contempt because she was a woman.
It is in the story I heard on Radio 4 last week about the low percentage of train drivers who are female (5.4% on the London Underground in 2016) and what a novelty it is to have a female at the controls.
It is in the story I heard of the church which, to call a woman into a leadership role had to change the title from minister or pastor so they could get round the ingrained culture that was rife within the congregation without losing the so-called stalwarts and good givers of the church.
It's in my story too, and, if you talk to any other female minister, is likely to be in their story. It's sadly in the story of church (this article by Mark Woods details this and the link to Doctor Who further...). It's in the churches that won't have a woman minister, not for any reason but 'ministers have always been male'. It's in the churches that had an unsuccessful female pastor (whatever that means) and have vowed never to have one again (because all women are like that). It's in the look of surprise when I say what I do and the exclamation of 'I've never met a lady vicar before' (I ain't no lady vicar thank you very much).
Both the treatment of women in The Handmaid's Tale and the surprise (and horror) of the new female Doctor, in their own ways, put a spotlight on the inequality within our society where culture and tradition is seemingly unmovable.....
It also echoes the culture within our churches where tradition and theological views are so embedded and entwined (where we read our Bible with 'what has always been done' spectacles), that any change, any shift, any opening of the gate is seemingly impossible because it will rock our world and we will lose control.
So instead of letting go of what has always been, we create boxes, which are opened, but only when we can deal with it, and only if, if we don't like it, we are able to close them again.... and if we really don't like it, we'll close them, lock them, and throw away the key.
(I read this blog where the author writes a little more concisely about church and boxes and not being put into them.....worth a read!)
