What do you do when your calling has been turned upside down, twisted and turned, snapped in places and left flailing in a weird liminal space that makes no sense to anyone, and you are trying to work out what it means to be called in a time that doesn't make sense in itself.....?
Someone said to me at the beginning of this pandemic when we had to shut down virtually all our activities that it must be hard for me as a community minister, but at the time I didn't really get it.
But now I do. As I had begun to find a new identity in a new place it hasn't just been slowly unravelled, the very foundation of who I am has been ripped from beneath my feet.
And I think I'm not the only one feeling that way.
Why am I writing this blog? Because I want to acknowledge the pain. Because I want to recognise that this hurts. Because as we rediscover what life is, it's not some utopian dream, it's more like a rocky mountain climb where the top is far beyond anything we can see. As the present seems removed from anything we'd like it to be, where the things that level us and keep us upright are like greasy poles to cling with all our strength to, we've all got to recognise that we are not invincible, in fact we are right now the opposite of that, whatever that is.
In YouTube algorithm style, the hymn 'Just as I am' came up on my YouTube given playlist. That hymn is so beautiful. The hymn writer Charlotte Elliot wrote it after a charity bazaar her brother held to raise money to provide education for the daughters of clergymen supported by the church. The night before the bazaar Elliot was kept awake overthinking about her own uselessness - she then went on to question the whole of her spiritual life and wondered whether she'd got it all wrong. The next day she remembered that to God, she was more than that and that his grace, his power, his promise overcame all of that*.
When it comes down to it, however we are feeling, however true we believe we are being to the calling God has put on our lives - it is just as we are that God calls us to him, and it is just as we are we follow that call.
And he will help us answer that call in all circumstances. Even now.
Especially now.
Just as I am - though toss'd about
With many a conflict, many a doubt
Fightings and fears within, without
- O Lamb of God, I come!
*from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_As_I_Am_(hymn)
Picture from https://images.app.goo.gl/QUreGkT7UupUrdM78
It's raining today, and rain changes the mood even on the best of days, but when you are stuck in on week 6 of lockdown there is something about the rain that reflects the mood of the nation, of the world. It feels like this week the grief is really setting in, and the news doesn't seem to get any better. There are glimmers of hope. There are moments of joy, but they are interspersed with moments of sadness and bad news. We are getting to the point now where most people know someone personally who has been kicked in the guts as they have lost someone they love or life as they know it has been completely torn apart or the brokenness has just got too much.
The rain today is crying for a very broken and sick world.
In the Bible there are many stories of people who are at this place - where they have suffered great loss, who have had to abandon everything they have always valued, or they have had everything ripped apart and the poetry books in particular are full of the agonising sadness and frustration at life. One verse shared on facebook in the last couple of days was from Psalm 57. Psalm 57 is to the tune of "Do not destroy" which seems kind of appropriate for this time and it was written for the time when David had to run from Saul who wanted to kill him and hide in a cave. When we are threatened from the outside, sometimes all we can do is hide, and today, we're hiding the best we can. It doesn't mean that the threat is going to go away, and there are still people out there who are facing it head on, hiding when their role allows, fighting it for us, all the time, just like, I guess people were fighting David's corner, but it means we will stay safe for a while. And as we hide, we have time to reflect and deal with all the emotions inside. We have time to shout and cry and laugh inappropriately. And that is what this Psalm is all about - a Psalm from a cave. Do not destroy.
Here is the coronavirus version.
Have mercy on us, oh God, have mercy on us
for in you we take refuge, as we shut our doors and look out of the window at the crying skies.
We will take refuge under the shadow of your wings, we will sit in loneliness and grief and mourning, in the safety of your arms until this disaster has passed.
We cry out to you oh God, we know you will save us, you give us hope.
You send songs from heaven, moments of joy, moments of peace and they lift us from the pit,
You rebuke the unseen enemy that threatens to destroy
And you send forth your love and your faithfulness, your promises stand firm.
We are in the midst of an uncertain threat. We are forced to dwell in a land that poses insurmountable risks. A virus that sits on door handles and shopping, which knows no boundaries, but hits the hurting hardest.
Be lifted up, O God, high above all this, may your glory be seen across this earth.
Every time we cross our doorstep, we recognise the risk we face ahead.
We step cautiously in our fear. We wear makeshift masks and wash our sore hands again.
There may be a threat beyond these walls, but it will not defeat us, it will be destroyed.
Our hearts, O God, are focussed on you. We will fill our time with good things. We will listen to songs we love and make music ourselves.
Awake us to new things - new notes - new melodies - awaken our voices and teach us your song, your song will awaken the dawn.
We will praise you, Lord, despite being apart, we will praise you alongside all nations, so far scattered.
We will sing your songs above the chaos around - for your great love reaches as far as we can see. Your faithfulness reaches beyond where we can imagine.
Be lifted up, O God, be lifted up. Let us see your light in the darkness, your glory within the days ahead.
It's a funny thing - calling - a strange idea I think. I am called to follow Jesus, he calls me to be set aside for this strange minister role. I am called to be minister of a church in the south to lead in the way I hope I am hearing God call.
Ever since I began training (well before that, but the thinking got deeper as I went through ministerial formation) I have questioned what it means to be called and whether if you are called as a minister is it a life long thing. As Baptists we don't do the whole ordination brings you magic thing but there is something in ordination that sets you aside that says that this is not just a job, but your whole life. It's very difficult to minister unless you approach it in that way - to be a minister can never be simply a job, it takes over your whole life.
Every time I hear of a friend or colleague move away from ministry because of something that has happened in their life, or had to change the way they minister because of illness, or been basically dismissed from a church for a plethora of reasons but with nowhere to go, or the money running out in the place they were convinced God had called them I question the nature of calling. Someone I worked with quite closely disappeared never to be seen again. Someone else just couldn't carry on. Someone else realised that the type of ministry to which they were called to was not the type of ministry that matched up to the expectations of the church. Some ministers do things that aren't good which means they have to leave. Some just don't thrive. Some churches can be frankly quite horrible and some ministers and churches just don't get on with one another.
And it leads me to the question of uncalledness..... can you be uncalled? As you sit and pick up the pieces of the change of circumstance in life, as you question your very identity in God..... is there an element of being called back, to return, to let go, to be set free perhaps in there?
Today I preached on the anointing of David from 1 Samuel 16 and as I prepared I looked back on the circumstances that brought him to that point. The Israelites wanted a King and God basically said 'go on then' and in 1 Samuel 9:17 Saul is introduced to Samuel with the words from God "Here is the man of whom I spoke to you. He it is who shall rule over my people". This was a God appointment. Saul wasn't a big fan at first but he gave in in the end because it came from God (he even hid under all the baggage to avoid being made King - there's probably a blog in that) and he tried his best for 42 years to be King. Saul gets a bit of a bad press, but we've got to remember he wasn't all bad - and God put him there.
But he did get it wrong. He lost his way. The last straw was when he lied to Samuel about the task God had set before him - he saved his friend King Agag instead of killing him and he lied when he took the best things from the destruction of the Amalekites for himself (yes the Old Testament is quite brutal). It wasn't until he was found out that he repented.... but it was too late - because of his lies and deceit his reign as King would soon be over and God would appoint a new King in his place.
He was uncalled, called away, let go. While his calling came from God, his behaviour and choice did not, which meant that he couldn't carry on with what he was doing. His reign was for a season.
And Samuel grieved for him. We grieve when we lose a leader we love. We grieve when we realise the way in which we are being called has changed. We grieve..... but then God calls us on.
Sometimes a calling is for a season, and the way becomes clear for a move onward (that's why I moved south - where I was called so strongly it was overwhelming and is the reason I am sticking around even when its tough) - it doesn't mean it's easy but God calls.
Sometimes a calling ends abruptly, and whether that's because of the behaviour of the individual or of those to which they were called, then grieving and healing needs to be done.
Sometimes a calling ends because of circumstance - now this is the hardest for me to understand. What if a strong call is stopped in its tracks by a lack of resources, or what if someone gets ill, or what if?
I don't know, and I don't know if I have all the answers, but I do know if a calling is interrupted, grieving is often important, and we must be given space to do so (on leaving the Bohemian Enclave neither me or the church were given the chance to work through that, and that's something that was beyond my control that I regret very much)..... but then when that grieving period is over we need to listen for God's voice again, and we take that tentative step forward, we broaden our expectations perhaps, we learn to forgive, we make space to heal, but at some point we need to look up and see, because what is next - God knows - and it could be something far better.
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps" - Proverbs 16:9
