Calling in a world turned upside down

What do you do when your calling has been turned upside down, twisted and turned, snapped in places and left flailing in a weird liminal space that makes no sense to anyone, and you are trying to work out what it means to be called in a time that doesn't make sense in itself.....?

Someone said to me at the beginning of this pandemic when we had to shut down virtually all our activities that it must be hard for me as a community minister, but at the time I didn't really get it. 

But now I do. As I had begun to find a new identity in a new place it hasn't just been slowly unravelled, the very foundation of who I am has been ripped from beneath my feet. 

And I think I'm not the only one feeling that way. 

Why am I writing this blog? Because I want to acknowledge the pain. Because I want to recognise that this hurts. Because as we rediscover what life is, it's not some utopian dream, it's more like a rocky mountain climb where the top is far beyond anything we can see. As the present seems removed from anything we'd like it to be, where the things that level us and keep us upright are like greasy poles to cling with all our strength to, we've all got to recognise that we are not invincible, in fact we are right now the opposite of that, whatever that is. 

In YouTube algorithm style, the hymn 'Just as I am' came up on my YouTube given playlist. That hymn is so beautiful. The hymn writer Charlotte Elliot wrote it after a charity bazaar her brother held to raise money to provide education for the daughters of clergymen supported by the church. The night before the bazaar Elliot was kept awake overthinking about her own uselessness - she then went on to question the whole of her spiritual life and wondered whether she'd got it all wrong. The next day she remembered that to God, she was more than that and that his grace, his power, his promise overcame all of that*. 

When it comes down to it, however we are feeling, however true we believe we are being to the calling God has put on our lives - it is just as we are that God calls us to him, and it is just as we are we follow that call. 

And he will help us answer that call in all circumstances. Even now. 

Especially now. 

Just as I am - though toss'd about
With many a conflict, many a doubt
Fightings and fears within, without
- O Lamb of God, I come! 

*from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_As_I_Am_(hymn)

Picture from https://images.app.goo.gl/QUreGkT7UupUrdM78

Called and Uncalled

It's a funny thing - calling - a strange idea I think. I am called to follow Jesus, he calls me to be set aside for this strange minister role. I am called to be minister of a church in the south to lead in the way I hope I am hearing God call. 

Ever since I began training (well before that, but the thinking got deeper as I went through ministerial formation) I have questioned what it means to be called and whether if you are called as a minister is it a life long thing. As Baptists we don't do the whole ordination brings you magic thing but there is something in ordination that sets you aside that says that this is not just a job, but your whole life. It's very difficult to minister unless you approach it in that way - to be a minister can never be simply a job, it takes over your whole life. 

Every time I hear of a friend or colleague move away from ministry because of something that has happened in their life, or had to change the way they minister because of illness, or been basically dismissed from a church for a plethora of reasons but with nowhere to go, or the money running out in the place they were convinced God had called them I question the nature of calling. Someone I worked with quite closely disappeared never to be seen again. Someone else just couldn't carry on. Someone else realised that the type of ministry to which they were called to was not the type of ministry that matched up to the expectations of the church. Some ministers do things that aren't good which means they have to leave. Some just don't thrive. Some churches can be frankly quite horrible and some ministers and churches just don't get on with one another. 

And it leads me to the question of uncalledness..... can you be uncalled? As you sit and pick up the pieces of the change of circumstance in life, as you question your very identity in God..... is there an element of being called back, to return, to let go, to be set free perhaps in there? 

Today I preached on the anointing of David from 1 Samuel 16 and as I prepared I looked back on the circumstances that brought him to that point. The Israelites wanted a King and God basically said 'go on then' and in 1 Samuel 9:17 Saul is introduced to Samuel with the words from God "Here is the man of whom I spoke to you. He it is who shall rule over my people". This was a God appointment. Saul wasn't a big fan at first but he gave in in the end because it came from God (he even hid under all the baggage to avoid being made King - there's probably a blog in that) and he tried his best for 42 years to be King. Saul gets a bit of a bad press, but we've got to remember he wasn't all bad - and God put him there. 

But he did get it wrong. He lost his way. The last straw was when he lied to Samuel about the task God had set before him - he saved his friend King Agag instead of killing him and he lied when he took the best things from the destruction of the Amalekites for himself (yes the Old Testament is quite brutal). It wasn't until he was found out that he repented.... but it was too late - because of his lies and deceit his reign as King would soon be over and God would appoint a new King in his place. 

He was uncalled, called away, let go. While his calling came from God, his behaviour and choice did not, which meant that he couldn't carry on with what he was doing. His reign was for a season. 

And Samuel grieved for him. We grieve when we lose a leader we love. We grieve when we realise the way in which we are being called has changed. We grieve..... but then God calls us on. 

Sometimes a calling is for a season, and the way becomes clear for a move onward (that's why I moved south - where I was called so strongly it was overwhelming and is the reason I am sticking around even when its tough) - it doesn't mean it's easy but God calls. 

Sometimes a calling ends abruptly, and whether that's because of the behaviour of the individual or of those to which they were called, then grieving and healing needs to be done. 

Sometimes a calling ends because of circumstance - now this is the hardest for me to understand. What if a strong call is stopped in its tracks by a lack of resources, or what if someone gets ill, or what if? 

I don't know, and I don't know if I have all the answers, but I do know if a calling is interrupted, grieving is often important, and we must be given space to do so (on leaving the Bohemian Enclave neither me or the church were given the chance to work through that, and that's something that was beyond my control that I regret very much)..... but then when that grieving period is over we need to listen for God's voice again, and we take that tentative step forward, we broaden our expectations perhaps, we learn to forgive, we make space to heal, but at some point we need to look up and see, because what is next - God knows - and it could be something far better. 

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps" - Proverbs 16:9

A letter from a disgrace

Dear friend, colleague, one who looks at me and calls me a disgrace,

Thank you for my comments on my call to be a minister. I would say they are much appreciated, but actually, they're not. Your contempt towards me because of my gender is, sadly, not unusual, but surprisingly loud at the moment. I am not sure where your idea has come from that you can comment on my calling as a woman even though you have never met me and don't know my journey to ministry, but you seem to claim you have authority to do so. 

You see, the thing is, my primary calling to ministry is not from human beings, and particularly not from 80 year old men who claim an authority that is not their's. My calling is from God. It has been affirmed by my sending church, the church that ordained me, my college, my Baptist family and the church I am called to minister now where the call was so strong it cannot be anyone but God who brought me here.

As I explored the calling that I felt upon my life and took ten years to come to a decision to go to college exploring all the arguments for and against this pull in my heart, as I explored scripture and saw examples of women in leadership positions making an impact on the world, as I tried to do everything else but train to be a minister and got pulled back time and time again, as I saw rainbows at every turn confirming who I was being called to be, as I became more and more secure in my identity in Christ, I became increasingly certain that this is where and who I am meant to be. 

There are days when I feel like an imposter, when I feel like I'm making it all up. There are days when I wonder if I can stick it. There are days when I am so exhausted from the pressure of pastoral encounter after encounter that I wonder if I have the strength to carry on. 

I want to thank you then, dear friend, colleague, one who calls me a disgrace..... for reminding me of how I am called to this by God. As I read over your comments about me and every female minister across the world, I am reminded of the strength of my call, of the barriers I've faced, and the continual affirmation of others in where and who God has made me to be. Your words aren't going to stop me, because they remind me that I am not an imposter. They remind me that I am chosen, called and sent as I seek to walk in the way God is leading me - he has me by the hand.  

Your words, then, I shall let wash over me, your arguments, they send me to sleep.... and my hope, my deepest hope for you, is that one day you will look around and see the women pastoring congregations across the world, the work that we are doing, and recognise that God is at work. 

With every blessing. 

A disgraceful woman. 

PS I couldn't sell jewellery on TV to save my life - perhaps that's part of the reason I'm called to be a minister. 


This letter is a response to comments summed up in this article which sounds like a parody but sadly isn't. 

Searching for Perfect Rainbows

Recently a friend introduced me to the game 'Little Alchemy 2' - a game where you mix items together and create the world from scratch. It's ridiculously addictive and stupidly frustrating as you try out every combination possible to try and create the new things that are needed to make the old things disappear.... 

I was pleased to note that early on rainbows appeared.... I love rainbows - one of my favourite things that often appear at the right moment reminding me that I am on the right track and God is with me and things will be OK. Seeing a rainbow, for me, is a reassuring thing that keeps me going when things are uncertain or difficult or challenging decisions have to be made. 

The rainbow in Little Alchemy 2 is perfect - perfectly symmetrical with equal colour strips all in the right order - a beautiful, colourful arch. 

Because Little Alchemy 2 is so addictive, when I was first playing it I ended up playing late at night, and as we all know, late night games infiltrate our dreams.... and I woke up one morning having dreamt that I had been looking for the perfect rainbow - one sitting at the bottom of a Billy Elliot type terraced street, ready to dance into and see the future unfold (yes dreams are weird)..... but I didn't find it. I searched and searched and woke up disappointed. 

Often when I dream weird I reflect on what it might mean - perhaps that I shouldn't play Little Alchemy 2 late at night - or play it at all...... but perhaps the struggle to find a perfect rainbow says something about the reality we are living in (bear with me....).... 

Our struggle for perfection - for the perfect symmetrical rainbow arch - is distracting (not just because dreaming of them makes me procrastinate) - and we miss the beauty in the non-perfect, in the arcs of rainbow (like the one I saw as I walked out of a friend's house just after she had had some bad news), in the rainbows we see in the oil spilt in a puddle, in the rainbow clouds and the momentary glimpse as the sun shining to make the rainbow is hidden by the dark storm clouds. 

There is so much potential for beauty in the imperfect, in the non-symmetrical, in the tiny moments of light - in our search for perfection, we need to not miss the perfectly imperfect. 

In our tendency to seek out the best, we often try to conform what we think we should be.... but in doing that we might miss the place to which we are called to be - which might be more broken than we realise, less symmetrical than we expected, and take us beyond and out of comfort zones much further than we realised..... 

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit in without even thinking, instead fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" - Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)

On walking alone......

If you know me well, you will know that I am generally content just the way I am. I don't crave after things I don't have (apart from, perhaps, shoes) and I am quite happy sitting on my own in front of Netflix watching a box set and playing angry birds..... 

I love that I can make my own decisions and can just get on with them. I love that I can just go on my day off (ahem) and not tell anyone where I am going. I love that I can get up when I want, leave a mess where I want and not have to worry about what someone else is doing next or what they are doing that they shouldn't be doing or what they are not doing that they should..... 

I love that in the Bible Paul holds up the benefits of being single - you can totally focus on what God is calling you to do - and in the last six months I've experienced just that - my call to move has been so strong, so personal, that to factor someone else in would have been really quite hard. 

There are times though, that it's tough...... 

One thing that someone said to me when I began the journey to ministry was that as a single person it would be particularly hard. I have never forgotten this... and as I face the next part of my life on my own and have to make decisions about whether to keep or give away the wine bottle with a glass on the top that has never left its box and have to remember to tell everyone from my mortgage company to my membership of the obscure ingredients in cake club and as I have to wash up because the dishwasher broke and remember to eat sensible food when the fridge is empty, it's hard. 

As I pack and am reminded of the stories of failed relationships through the memories I discover it's hard. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely better off single.... my stories of dating disasters and love lost could be enough to fill a comedy set or a a series of episodes of Friends before Ross and Rachel got together. I am happy on my own - I don't regret not having children, as I have ones who I love in my life and who love me back, but I don't have the responsibility of bringing them up in this weird world we live in. I don't crave affection (perhaps a hug (normally one armed) very occasionally, when a wall has walked its way towards me or a tractor has driven into me or when I'm facing a big change, like, say, moving... or work is hard or I have had bad news). I don't even want to go there with the bizarre world of dating.... it's a minefield more difficult to deal with than the Baptist settlement system.... 

I guess what I am trying to say in this weirdly quite personal blog is that it's hard....and also that I am thankful.... for those who bear with when I am losing my common sense for a while and tell me to eat.... for those who hold me up when I'm tripping up wherever I go.... for those who don't say to me, 'one benefit of moving is that you will have a bigger pond to fish in' (yes, it has been said).... for those who include me and welcome me as part of their family because they like me, not because they feel sorry for me (there is nothing to feel sorry about)..... for those who will laugh at my ultimate dating party piece and not look at me with sad eyes.... 

One of the problems with church is that too often we have the sad eyes when we look on someone who is single. Questions are asked; 'what do we do with all the single people in church - how can we include them?'. We assume that marriage is the ultimate destination and the singles must have something wrong with them. 

In ministry, there are added challenges; 'she can do anything, she has no responsibilities'. When you work on your day off there is no one to keep you in check.... when you are out every night there is no one to challenge, when you work in your holidays nobody tells you off.... when you need to offload there is no one to offload to. 

What we can first do is avoid the sad eyes, us becoming an issue (we are not covered in scales, we're people, with gifts and greatness like any other). If church is to be a community that is family, it needs to include everyone - the married, the single, the grandparent, the child, the weird cousin that everyone would like to avoid but knows they shouldn't.... 

And when your minister is single, just check they're OK occasionally. And when they're not, avoid those sad eyes, and walk with them - because even those who appear strong need a (normally metaphorical) hug sometimes. 

"The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mentioned and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance" 
1 Corinthians 12:25-26 The Message

That lone voice......

And the lone voice of a man cries out 'but it's not in the Bible'. His views are heard. They're challenged. The service goes on. 

But that man's voice is still there. He's heard spell out his views on women leaders (women are made to be gorgeous not leaders, women can have babies, men can be bishops, we have different roles) on national news. He's challenged by an abundance of tweets and comments. 

But that man's voice is still there. His views are heard. His views represent a voice that rises up at moments like these, but is there, all the time, views that are the norm in some places. His voice is still there. 

His voice is still there in the concern over my role as minister of a church as a stumbling block for someone joining the church. His voice is still there when I'm told there are things I should not be doing because I am a woman and 'I should have learnt by now', his voice is still there when I'm told that women are not made to be leaders, his voice is still there when the conversation is about what makes a good preacher and that good preacher is most definitely male. 

His voice is still there when it's suggested that the move to female bishops is a step towards restoration of fallen creation and that suggestion is accompanied by a vehement shaking of head. His voice is still there. 

I'm struggling right now with the number of challenges to my ministry being thrown at me; not because I am no good at it; not because I'm getting it wrong all the time; not because I am not called; not because my ministry has not been affirmed most clearly by the church I am serving, my college and my association (I am called, I am affirmed, I am, I hear, doing a good job and getting it right a lot of the time); but because of my gender. 

This morning we were talking in our Bible Study about the anointing of King David in 1 Samuel 16. He was not who was expected. He was the youngest of a number of brothers. He wasn't even there when Samuel came to the temple because the expectations of him were definitely not King. Yet there he was. God knew him. God called him. 

We came to the conclusion that to God it didn't matter that David was the youngest, that to anoint him would be totally against society conventions, yet God still chose him. What mattered was God's call. 

What matters to me is God's call, as affirmed by those who know me well, my church and beyond... and that is what excites me and keeps me going. 

I love the fact that we're all different - we have different views and ideas. I love the fact that we can read the Bible and discover so much more about God. I love the fact that the journey is still ongoing. I love it when I see that something happens that is a sign that God's Kingdom is near, is here, is coming. 

But I'd love it if it wasn't so hard sometimes! That lone voice, I'm so pleased you have a say, because I believe in freedom of speech, but it doesn't mean that when it's there every day and not always such a lone voice it doesn't hurt and question the person who God has called me to be. It doesn't mean that you do not undermine the clear call my church has given me. We need to remember that many of our views are not just theoretical theological ideas, but about people, made in the image of God, and often, I've found, the people who are standing right there in front of you. 

And by the way, it is in the Bible - read about it here

On Bishops, disagreements, the Bible and me

I've watched with interest the discussions about female bishops in the Church of England this week. I've also been reading some people's comments on it. Most of my friends are supportive, celebratory or silent. 

But then... there are those voices that are none of these. Those that think women should be silent in church. Those that think women in ministry is a great big fat sin. Those that point to Eve as the temptress and say 'this is why'. I get that other people have different views. I understand where they have coming from. What I don't understand is where when I disagree with them they think I haven't thought it through. I haven't commented this time. The arguments make me tired. They question who I am and who I am called to be without talking to me about my story. They assume I am a flaky sort of Christian who doesn't believe in much really. 

The thing is, as I read the Bible. As I wrestle with the really hard stuff in the light of Christ I see God as one who values women, gifts women, puts them in places where society wouldn't put them. I see women leading churches, women who are top in business, female deacons, female apostles, female world changers. 

I know your argument but I don't get your refusal to listen. You say you are open to change but you won't engage in conversation. You just keep shouting. 

The thing is, my gender does not define what role I can take, but God does. God has made me who I am. He has given me the gifts he has given me. He has made me very capable. 

I like baking, I hate cleaning, I can't sew. I'll happily shift furniture and build flat packs. I love driving and I have good spatial awareness (apart from when it comes to door handles). I'm not at home making drinks, washing up, arranging flowers and teaching small children. I'm a leader, a preacher and as stubborn as stubborn can be. I am single. I'm likely not to get married. I'm OK with that. I am not missing anything but a bit of self discipline when it comes to savoury snacks.

What I do know in all of this is that God made me who I am. I love his word, I wrestle with it regularly. I thirst for knowing more. I want to be true to it. I want to serve God the best I possibly can. I believe I am called to lead a church. 

So please think before you speak. Your words hurt. Your words question who I am in Christ. Disagree by all means, but disagree with grace and take me seriously.

(For discussions that might be helpful, Rachel Held Evans comes from an American evangelical background. She writes a lot about gender and the Bible. Her blog can be found here http://rachelheldevans.com). 

Changing from the inside out....

I'm an introvert. Most people who know me know this is true. Always the quiet ones.... 

I love people watching, and sometimes I will sit quietly in a group situation until space is made for my thoughts to catch up with the conversation so that I can speak coherently about what I want to talk about. Sometimes in conversation I miss some of the conversation because I am thinking about how to respond to something that was said just a minute ago. I'll admit I'm a little bit scared of the phone.....

Recently, however, some things have come up that have questioned my introvert diagnosis.... I've begun to realise that if I spend too much time on my own I crave company to be energised. During the last week a few people have posted on facebook and twitter 27 problems only introverts will understand http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-introverts-will-understand and I realised that I only relate to seven of them.....

I wonder if I have changed? I wonder if I have never really been a real introvert. I do get energised by spending time alone, but spending too much time alone means I need company to be energised..... When I was a teacher my time alone was important.... now.... it's important.... but my time with others is becoming more important. 

I always knew that following the call of God into ministry would challenge my very being. My very being is called, but not always ready, not always feeling worthy, and very often agitated. My very being is in God's hands, but so often tries to jump out and live within society's conventions. My very being is not so introverted any more.... 

As I journey I am changed. Sometimes this totally unsettles me.....

When I was exploring my call to ministry, in the sermon where I decided to go for it, the preacher talked about how we should not let convention get in the way of where God is calling us. She mentioned mortgages as I sat there and thought - 'why did I buy a house?' 

I still own my house, which is rented out, but there are occasions, like today, where I realise that my mortgage attachment distracts me sometimes from caring about the things that God cares about as I am reminded that it's there. I have no problems with money - I am so blessed in so many ways - God again and again provides me with just enough, however, it seems that as I change, there are things that have not changed that continue to challenge me. One of my ministry mottos is 'Let go and let God', but when money is involved sometimes that's hard, as while I am following the will of God, actually I still need to keep a grip on stuff that I own.... because I still live in the world. 

In one of our lectures last year we talked about how Old Testament Law was different to other writings around at the time as it was human centred and not money centred. When we worry about money and that comes above worrying about looking after humanity then we miss that.....

So today I am challenged. I believe that people matter more than possessions, so, while worrying is not a great thing to do.... I need to remember that if I do all the right things and live sensibly, actually, because I am in a relatively comfortable place, the money stuff will be fine.... it's the lives of the people I meet and hear about that should cause me greater anxiety than that.....

When God challenges my very being, he doesn't just challenge the introvert tendencies in me by changing me to enable me to be more effective in ministry, but he challenges me where I thought in my head I had it sorted, but in my automatic feeling responses to things, I don't necessarily do.... and I wasn't expecting that.....