On walking alone......

If you know me well, you will know that I am generally content just the way I am. I don't crave after things I don't have (apart from, perhaps, shoes) and I am quite happy sitting on my own in front of Netflix watching a box set and playing angry birds..... 

I love that I can make my own decisions and can just get on with them. I love that I can just go on my day off (ahem) and not tell anyone where I am going. I love that I can get up when I want, leave a mess where I want and not have to worry about what someone else is doing next or what they are doing that they shouldn't be doing or what they are not doing that they should..... 

I love that in the Bible Paul holds up the benefits of being single - you can totally focus on what God is calling you to do - and in the last six months I've experienced just that - my call to move has been so strong, so personal, that to factor someone else in would have been really quite hard. 

There are times though, that it's tough...... 

One thing that someone said to me when I began the journey to ministry was that as a single person it would be particularly hard. I have never forgotten this... and as I face the next part of my life on my own and have to make decisions about whether to keep or give away the wine bottle with a glass on the top that has never left its box and have to remember to tell everyone from my mortgage company to my membership of the obscure ingredients in cake club and as I have to wash up because the dishwasher broke and remember to eat sensible food when the fridge is empty, it's hard. 

As I pack and am reminded of the stories of failed relationships through the memories I discover it's hard. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely better off single.... my stories of dating disasters and love lost could be enough to fill a comedy set or a a series of episodes of Friends before Ross and Rachel got together. I am happy on my own - I don't regret not having children, as I have ones who I love in my life and who love me back, but I don't have the responsibility of bringing them up in this weird world we live in. I don't crave affection (perhaps a hug (normally one armed) very occasionally, when a wall has walked its way towards me or a tractor has driven into me or when I'm facing a big change, like, say, moving... or work is hard or I have had bad news). I don't even want to go there with the bizarre world of dating.... it's a minefield more difficult to deal with than the Baptist settlement system.... 

I guess what I am trying to say in this weirdly quite personal blog is that it's hard....and also that I am thankful.... for those who bear with when I am losing my common sense for a while and tell me to eat.... for those who hold me up when I'm tripping up wherever I go.... for those who don't say to me, 'one benefit of moving is that you will have a bigger pond to fish in' (yes, it has been said).... for those who include me and welcome me as part of their family because they like me, not because they feel sorry for me (there is nothing to feel sorry about)..... for those who will laugh at my ultimate dating party piece and not look at me with sad eyes.... 

One of the problems with church is that too often we have the sad eyes when we look on someone who is single. Questions are asked; 'what do we do with all the single people in church - how can we include them?'. We assume that marriage is the ultimate destination and the singles must have something wrong with them. 

In ministry, there are added challenges; 'she can do anything, she has no responsibilities'. When you work on your day off there is no one to keep you in check.... when you are out every night there is no one to challenge, when you work in your holidays nobody tells you off.... when you need to offload there is no one to offload to. 

What we can first do is avoid the sad eyes, us becoming an issue (we are not covered in scales, we're people, with gifts and greatness like any other). If church is to be a community that is family, it needs to include everyone - the married, the single, the grandparent, the child, the weird cousin that everyone would like to avoid but knows they shouldn't.... 

And when your minister is single, just check they're OK occasionally. And when they're not, avoid those sad eyes, and walk with them - because even those who appear strong need a (normally metaphorical) hug sometimes. 

"The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mentioned and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance" 
1 Corinthians 12:25-26 The Message

Real life graphs are not all the same

When I was at secondary school I was proud of the fact that I was 'an individual' - I didn't go with the crowd. I was also very lonely as because I was a bit different I didn't really fit in. At school the in-crowd was not where I wanted to be, I was too much of a geek for the people who were trying to fit in with the in-crowd and I was never very confident and struggled to make friends.

Because I have always been on the edge, not quite fitting in to any particular group, sometimes in the centre of the group, but then gradually pushed to the edge, I realised quite quickly that people don't necessarily expect you to be different to them. If someone is found out to be different they're seen as the odd one and difficult to understand. I also began to recognise that people react to news in different ways. Some people want to share their news with the whole world, talking it through, solving problems alongside others and exploring ideas together. Others will keep their news to themselves until it becomes something that is not news any more and they have dealt with it and don't want to analyse it. Then there are all the extremes in between. There are people who want others to fix their problems, and others who don't believe they have a problem to fix ..... 

The thing is when you live in a diverse community (like church should be) is that everyone is not like you. Too often we expect people to be just like us. One of the privileges of being a minister is that people open up to you - they tell you about their lives and what makes them tick. They tell you the story of their faith journey and how they relate to God now. They reveal something of how they deal with life's problems and difficulties and as you get to know them you know how to care for them. 

If as a minister I assumed everyone dealt with life like me I'd miss the beautiful diversity in the people I care for. We are all made in God's image and in the way we relate to others in community we can express that in big ways as we learn about one another, know one another, give space to one another and serve one another. 

We've got to realise that people are different. We've got to recognise that what would make one person shout for joy makes another feel complete peace - it doesn't mean they haven't experienced the same thing, it just means they are different people, expressing their feelings in different ways.

When I was teaching real life graphs I would often get my classes to draw a graph of their emotions during the day. Some pupils would draw big ups and downs. Some would have a flatter line with small troughs and hills. Some would say, emotions? What are they? I don't want to talk about them. 

My graph is quite flat. I get grumpy, but I don't weep very often. I smile, but I don't scream with delight. I probably won't tell you about it or ask you to analyse it with me, I'm a mathematician - mathematicians solve problems alone most of the time.....but I'm there.... level headed and journeying on. 

When we are journeying with others its important to recognise what graph they would draw. God made us all different, and we have to celebrate that, but also honour one another in our differences - never expecting anyone to act exactly like us.

 "I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it".                                      1 Corinthians 12:14-18