Learning to communicate [again] - finding fruit

A baby cries. Why are they crying? Is it because they are hungry? Is it because they need changing? Is it because they are in pain? Or is it just because they want attention and you were doing something else? 

Even from birth, humans are difficult to interpret. Even if we know the human well, interpreting what they mean can be hard work. And those we have never met in person.... well they are another story! 

And the pandemic - it's made it more difficult. It's affected all of our thinking patterns, our sense of self worth and our reactionary behaviour. Even the most level headed and mild mannered of people can find themselves, right now, going into a rage over something as small as a can of beans in the wrong place on the shelf. Even the most emotionally stable person has found themselves falling apart when the person who just walked past them has forgotten that masks go over their nose. 

The lack of in person meeting has meant that we have forgotten how to communicate with understanding. When meetings are functional and faces are the only thing to be seen, if that, how can we know what is going on in somebody's reaction to something we said or did? When the only place we know people is when profiles meet in a facebook group, how can we make assumptions as to what their comment means? 

Yet we do, then we shout, and even the gentlest of us suddenly finds ourselves accusing others of all sorts, and we lose sleep and we throw things and we label that person as a..... pick your words carefully here. 

It's difficult to know what is causing the crying if we don't try and find out. The problem with people we do not see or even know in real life is that we also, quite often, don't try and find out either. 

The anthropologist Clifford Geertz talks about when we see someone whose eyelid is flickering up and down, we need to know something more about why that is happening before we react to what might only be described as a wink. Are they winking at us or is it directed to someone else? Are they trying to get a message across and what is it? Is it part of the established social code or is it just that they've got some dust in their eye? 

It's complicated. Yet misunderstandings come from not understanding that what someone might say or do might be meant in a different way to how we initially interpret it. 

Our reactions to people in person seem to be missing this and are becoming more like pre-pandemic reactions to people online. And our reactions to people online.... they're becoming, frankly, in some cases, from people who in normal circumstances do know better, appalling. The pandemic has made us all act weird.

As we try and find this road out of the pandemic and see one another again, there are some things we need to do as we learn to communicate again. In fact these things are not new, they just need to be relearnt (see Galatians 5:22). 

Look at the person you are talking to as someone who is made in the image of God and love them like God does. That will help turn them from enemy into something better. 

Seek to be a person of peace. Don't seek out arguments for the sake of argument, but look for ways ahead. Compromise. Agree to disagree. Don't assume that someone is thinking what you think they're thinking. Be still. Pause for a moment. Or many moments. Then seek peace. 

Be faithful to who you are. If the behaviour you are exhibiting would be behaviour you would condemn in others, then ask yourself what is causing you to act in this way. If that behaviour is unusual for you, ask someone to help you work out how to deal with all you are struggling with. Be faithful to God who made you and looked on you and saw you as good. 

Find joy and seek goodness. We have lost laughter and joy from our lives. Seek the places where you find it again. Spend time with those who make you laugh and deliberately let it all out in laughter, not shouting. Find joy in the people you meet. Whatever is good in your and others lives, celebrate that. Don't dwell on the bad stuff. 

Be gentle and patient. We're all grieving, hurting, in pain right now. Recognise that some might not be fully themselves and be patient with them. Be people that exercise grace in difficult situations and recognise that sometimes healing takes time. 

Act with self control. Think before you speak. Try not to react in a way that hurts other people. Recognise the need for anger, but don't direct to the wrong places. Don't scapegoat all your frustrations onto another person. Check your behaviour. Always. And apologise when apologies are needed. 

And be kind. Always. Just be kind. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. We cannot know for sure what is behind the behaviour of others, but we can control our own behaviour - and that - that will make the world a better place. 

A baby cries - why are they crying? We don't know, but we wouldn't leave them to just cry not knowing. We'd go over to their cot, we'd look, we'd perhaps lift them up, and we would remember and think about what was good about them. We'd likely cuddle them, smell them, try and understand them, and then, we'd do what we needed to do. 

A human being stands in front of you, in person, online, however they stand - why are they acting in the way they are? We don't know, but we can try and understand them. Then we can do what we need to do. Just be kind. 

"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies"      Philippians 4:8-9 The Message

Flags and Ships and all that......

There is a massive ship stuck sideways in the Suez Canal. The Ever Given is the length of 308 sheep all in a line and it has formed an immovable barrier diagonally across the Suez which is only about 154 sheep wide. It will be the future of Pythagoras and Trigonometry questions in GCSE exams, but for now, it's got the whole world in a bit of a pickle. Freight can't get through. The ships are either stuck in solidarity and frustration with the Ever Given or taking the long way round. The very long way round. 

They're having trouble getting it out. The images of the tiny little digger trying to dig it out are causing much hilarity around the internet and have led rise to a whole river of memes - some of them terrible - some of them bring a little chuckle - some of them describing the frustrations of the year of the pandemic in all its frustrating glory. One of my favourites is this one (I don't know its origins but whoever made it inspired me!).

And so a swift move into the second news story of this blog. The Government's obsession with the British Flag. It became increasingly apparent this was coming when the AstraZeneca vaccination vials which the Government apparently tried to get labelled with the Union Jack and it has escalated this week with all Government buildings having to be adorned in red, white and blue. It's kind of like a 'flags will solve everything' manifesto. The flags are that little digger that has been set to work to try and solve the stranded UK with all its problems. It's not going to work. 

In a year where we have seen focus on flag and nation perpetuating the divides that exist in the world, in the US elections and the storm on the capitol, in the abuse of flags in far right protests against the Black Lives Matters movement, in the focus on protests saving statues which have in some way helped to lead to the legislation going through parliament where you can get a longer sentence for breaking a statue than raping a woman, why are we insisting on putting flags up everywhere? How is the insistence on a flag confirming our identity going to solve the problems with injustice and the handling of the pandemic and the consequences of that? We all know that the flags won't change anything, just as we know that digger isn't going to be able to dig that ship out alone. 

That little digger tells us that at least they are trying, even if the task seems impossible. The flags give a sense of self-importance - the person standing in front of the flag and the building on which the flag flies represent something - power? control? identity? It distracts us for a moment....

But then our eyes turn back to the problem in hand. The ship is still stuck, the worlds shipping traffic is having trouble getting through, the country is still in a mess and the way ahead looks tough. 

Branding isn't going to to change the world, action will. Do we really want to get that ship moved? Know that it is going to take a lot of time and more than just a digger. Do we really want our country to be a better place? There are far better things we can do than put up flags. It doesn't matter what something looks like, it's what is in the heart. 

Arguably Jesus' greatest political speech was the Sermon on the Mount where he turns the norm upside down, the values of those who are listening are challenged and he presents a new way. The Sermon on the Mount has no flags and has no element of power or control in any way we might imagine. Jesus presents a new way of living, a new form of identity that lifts the poor and the marginalised to their rightful place. It challenges the established unjust culture of the day and presents a better way. 

As we walk into Holy Week and look again to the cross, we see that political manifesto lived out in the greatest act of subversion the world has ever seen. Not showy, not grandiose, but in a painful death designed to humiliate those who hung on the cross. It's not the flag that's going to make the world a better place. It's not the flag that is going to move that ship. That digger is no way big enough. It's in the example that Jesus gave when he began to roll out the way ahead, taking sin and evil to the cross, giving us the chance to begin again. And it's the actions we take in response to that. It's in acting justly, loving mercy and walking humbly with our God. 

Sorry I don't open

On my day off walk on Friday I was struck by this sign on a gate. "Sorry I don't open" it said. 

It set me thinking. Why doesn't it open? Is it because it is just awkward and contrary and doesn't want to to do anything that is asked? Is it because if you try and open it it would fall over and any riff raff could get in? Is it because it's just stuck because the gate has been neglected over the years? Is it because there is a pile of rubbish behind it which needs to be dealt with first? Is it because every time someone pushes one way, somebody else pushes back? Is it because it is simply broken and there needs to be a new gate fitted?

Who is the owner of this gate? Who is responsible for keeping the gate in good working order? Who is the gatekeeper? 

I wonder, have people really tried enough to make it possible to open the gate?

When our thinking about issues of justice, often the question of why the gate or door is closed comes up. Who is the gate keeper? Who is responsible for letting people in or not? Who holds the keys or the tools for repair? 

Recently I have been involved in a number of conversations about the opportunities that women do or do not have in church structures. Even in Baptist structures where the field should be flat rather than hierarchical there are opportunities that appear to be limited for women - places where women are still silent or a lone voice. Why is that? Why are those gates only open for some and not all? Why do women more often find the gate that does not open rather than the gate that is wide open? Is it because someone has closed it? Is it because it is stuck? Is it because it is simply broken and a new gate needs to be fitted?

I wonder, have people really tried enough to make it possible to open the gate? 

Why is it so difficult for that gate that will enable women to be all they are made to be open? 

Mary Beard says this in her book 'Women and Power':

“But in every way, the shared metaphors we use of female access to power - 'knocking on the door', 'storming the citadel', 'smashing the glass ceiling', or just giving them a 'leg up' - underline female exteriority. Women in power are seen as breaking down barriers, or alternatively as taking something to which they are not quite entitled.”

If the gate needs a huge amount of force to make it open, possibly because we've always been told its difficult to open (perhaps its 'Sorry I don't open' sign has been hung on it for too long) maybe that is why not much has changed. Perhaps we're so used to the gate being difficult to open that we just accept it as a normal part of life. If moving forward is so difficult there must be something about the culture that is wrong. Perhaps its about that sign we put on the gate.

What can we do about it? We can change the sign. The sign, with a better welcome, with a culture of possibility, could change everything and could lead women to have a seat at the table not because they've navigated a gate that rarely opens, but because the sign reminds them that they belong. 

 

Just walking home

I walked home from a night out, my feet were hurting, I took off my boots and then found the familiar white lines in the middle of the road. Equidistant from the alley ways and gates and doors either side of the road, phone in hand, I kept my eyes on my destination, kept walking, opened my door, locked the bottom lock, texted my friend and then I sat down. 

This last few days women have been sharing their automatic actions, their engrained ways of protecting themselves, their heightened levels of awareness at all times as the news of the kidnap and murder of Sarah Everard has unfolded.

The story has hit women hard because it could be our own story. It's a story of the streets we live in and walk along. It's a story of everything we fear as we walk down the white lines in the middle of the road, hypervigilant, aware and waiting. 

It's a story that has brought up memories we have hidden for some time. It is a story that we feel in our guts and it makes us shake. 

It's a normal story. 

MP Jess Phillips read out the names of the 118 women and girls who have been killed in the past year where men have been convicted as the perpetrator this week in Parliament. You can watch it here

She said:

"Dead women is a thing we've all just accepted as part of our daily lives," she added.

"Dead women is just one of those things. Killed women are not vanishingly rare. Killed women are common."

It's only at moments like these that we feel the full force of this. Each of those women has a name. Each of those women has people who love them. Each of those women is now dead. And it hurts. It shouldn't be normal. It shouldn't be part of our every day lives that when we are walking down the street in the dark on the white lines that we put ourselves in the path of traffic because it feels safer that way. 

But it's a normal story. It's not an unusual story. It's why we walk down the white lines in the middle of the road - and we must continue to tell the stories of those women until there are no new stories to tell anymore.

Each of these is women is more than just a number, more than just a name, more than just an inevitable tragedy. As we tell Sarah's story, as the country responds to what happened to her and asks questions and seeks a better way, we pray for that day when new stories are no more. 

We lay this brokenness in God's hands. 

We take the fear, the anxiety, the deep sadness, and we ask God to hold it for us. 

We ask God to heal our land. 

We ask God to heal our hearts.

Loving God, we dream of a day when women don't have to walk down the white lines in the middle of the road to feel safe. 

We dream of a day where every sudden movement, every shadowy figure is not a threat, does not make our heart race. 

We dream of a day when the darkness is not a curfew, when the way home is easy and straight

We dream of a day when that list of names ends for good. 

May that day come

May that day come

Healing God, we ask you to take Sarah's family and friends and the community around them under your wings and be their comfort and peace. 

We ask you to take the hands of those for whom this story is too close to home and remind them they are not alone. Be their strength. 

We ask you to take our tears and our hearts and hold our grief for us. 

Heal our Land

Heal our Land

We pray for restoration, we pray for healing, we pray for an end to this. 

On that day the wolf will live with the lamb

the leopard will lied down with the goat, 

the calf and the lion and the yearling together;

and a little child will lead them. 

The infant will play near the cobra's den

and the young child will put its hands in the viper's nest. 

They will neither harm or destroy.      Isaiah 11:6,8

The woman will walk alone and feel safe

The crowd ahead will just be a crowd ahead

The man behind will be just a man behind

And her feet won't need the white lines to guide them 

On that day. 

Difficult Women

This morning on the news I stumbled across some of the commentary surrounding that interview where Oprah Winfrey and Meghan Markle are going to have a talk. There is a bit of speculation around it and Harry and Meghan's so called 'split' from the Royal Family. The woman speaking was saying all sorts of things about Meghan Markle and at one point she referred to her as a 'difficult woman'. A difficult woman. I switched over soon afterwards because to be honest I'm not really bothered about the speculation, I am not interested in the interview and as far as I am concerned this is a family matter and the hoo-hah in the press is distracting us from other more important things. Maybe Meghan has done things that aren't good, maybe the family have treated her badly, maybe this hasn't been dealt with in a great way, but let's just leave them to work it out. The press coverage has only added fuel to the fire I have no doubt. 

Back to the difficult woman. 

What makes a woman difficult? 

Is it because she has spoken in ways that we might find challenge the stereotypes we are quite comfortable with? 

Is it because she has said something that has made us squirm in our seats? 

Is it because she has said things to make us think?

Is it because she has spoken back, spoken up against ingrained ways and ideas? 

Is it because she challenges those who call her a difficult woman? 

Is it because she is not a pushover?

Is it because she doesn't make things easy for you to carry on in the way you have always carried on?

Then that makes me, and many of the amazing women I know difficult women. I'm quite proud to be a difficult woman if that is what it makes me. A difficult woman is someone who is assertive and independent, who leads and tackles problems head on. A difficult woman will not be left outside with the door closed.

When I look at the stories of Jesus I see him encounter difficult women, welcome them in, draw them into conversation and change their lives. It doesn't mean they stop being difficult women in society's use of the word, but it means he empowers them to challenge the world with the upside down kingdom values he lives, preaches and embodies. His treatment of women shows him as a man who sees them as created in the image of God, as gifted by God, and as individuals with different purposes and paths. He transforms the Samaritan Woman's life in John 4 as she begins to preach his good news. He heals the woman who has been bleeding heavily and sends her on her way. He sets free the woman who is one of two guilty parties in an adulterous relationships where the man was nowhere to be seen, he teaches Mary and he brings Martha to his feet to learn. He accepts the woman with the over the top perfume on feet pouring incident as others look on and condemn her. He meets Mary Magdalene in the garden and tells her to go and tell others he is alive. These difficult women who challenge the status quo of the day are encouraged to live like 'there is no male or female for all are one in Christ Jesus'. These difficult women, with their different gifts are people entrusted with good news to lead others onto the next, the new, the better. 

So, to all the difficult women I know - the ones who are challenging stereotypes, the ones who won't be bullied, the ones who insist on being heard, the ones who are putting themselves in places where they had not been allowed before, the ones who won't put up with 'it's because you're a woman' as an excuse, the ones who Jesus puts back in their rightful place to live on their life in all its fulness in His way..... keep being difficult - not in an awkward making a fuss for making a fuss sort of way, but in the way in which you are called and gifted. Be who you are, be confident of your own potential, and be everything you have been called to be. 

It's International Women's Day this week. Look around you and celebrate all of those women you know, particularly the difficult ones. 

To all the difficult women I know - my amazing sisters in being difficult - I love you, you're amazing, keep being. 

On that day......

On that day we will open our front doors, we will run, and we will run straight into the arms of those we love. 

On that day we will walk boldly into the world, relieved to breathe fresh air. We will dance, we will sing, we will gather. 

On that day we will not fear, we will lay down all our anxiety and we will embrace life in all its fulness. 

On that day we will sit round a table with friends and strangers and share food, elbows knocking, accidentally footsie happening under the narrow table. 

On that day we will celebrate. 

On that day we will open our front doors, we will take a few steps out, we will see the one we love and we will approach them, stopping at 2m, waiting for someone to make the first move. 

On that day we will walk up the street, sometimes on the road, relieved to breathe fresh air. We will dance to avoid hedges, we will sing quietly, we will open the doors, see the crowd and hover outside for a while. 

On that day there will be something inside that will make us feel a little bit nauseous, we will feel out of place and we will hope that life in all its fulness is out there somewhere. 

On that day we will set the table with gaps between the chairs, we will invite friends, but not too many and serve from the kitchen, we will jump at every human touch, an unfamiliar electric shock. 

On that day we will want to be more than we are. 

On that day we will look out of our front door and not move, watch the people walking in the streets, see the one we love standing at the end of our drive, and we will shout, don't come closer, I'm not ready yet. 

On that day we will get in our cars and drive a little bit further than usual, finding a place where there is noone in the road and breathe the fresh air. We will value the space, we will sing if noone else is nearby, we will drive home past the gatherings, glad to get back to that front door. 

On that day we will look on with envy, hoping to experience the joy that others are feeling, but will then retire to our sofas, remote controls on hand, and wait for that feeling to come. 

On that day we will cook, we will sit alone with our bubble, we will hold on to those things, those people we have always held onto and we will say tomorrow is another day. One day at a time. 

On that day we will hang onto our waiting for a little while longer, until it feels safe again. 

On that day as we step out of our front doors, God who knows our thoughts from afar will know exactly how we feel as we see the one we love. He will be there in the embraces, he will be there in the distance, the one who holds all together. 

On that day as we travel to where we feel most safe, God will be our protection, our shelter, our rest. Where we are dancing with others, he will be dancing too. Where we stand alone on the hillside, he stands too. 

On that day the joy of the Lord will be our strength. "Where you are that day", says God, "is where you are and I am with you". The more will come, the joy will dance, the better is still ahead. Take it easy, take it slowly, you're broken now. 

On that day in our eating, in our sharing, whether alone or together, God will be calling - "come and be with me, for I am amongst you, taste and see, taste and see..."

On that day whether the waiting has ended, or the waiting is still here, our patient God will wait with us, watch over us, carry us on. 

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As we await the day of freedom from restrictions we are all in different places. Some of us can't wait, some of us are so used to how things are now, that the thought of things being different is a challenge, some of us fear what life will look like when we're allowed to do again, some of us are wondering what life will be like when we have lost those we love. Some of us would rather just hide. Wherever we are, however we feel, God knows and he understands. As we are told to love our neighbour as ourselves, we are called to be as understanding as he is. Reach out to those in fear, try not to get frustrated with those who have found liberty too fast, find peace on the path, there is a way ahead, and it is being revealed. 

In our Bible study this week which talks about the uncertainty that can often surround mental illness, we prayed this prayer of Thomas Merton. Perhaps this is also a prayer for the slow release from lockdown. A prayer for those making decisions and a prayer for those who are just trying to work out what it means for them as individuals. Keep walking, one day it will make sense. 

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

The Sparkle of Community

New Addington is looking particularly sparkly in the snow at the moment, but it's also feeling particularly sparkly. Every other Monday I have the privilege of chairing a meeting that gathers together leaders from across the community who are seeking to see this the community thrive as we respond to the challenges of the pandemic - voluntary organisations, schools, people who work for Public Health, local councillors, other council workers and people from services doing amazing things... the list goes on - a brilliant group committed to the flourishing of New Addington and Fieldway which was set up as lockdown hit last year. The way that the community has come together has been awesome. It's not always easy and there is so much brokenness, but beauty rises from within all that. 

I never cease to be amazed at the creativity of this group and all they represent. The vast variety and quality of the work going on at a grassroots level where everything has had to change and challenges have had to be embraced is something to behold. People of passion and commitment who know their community so well and are not afraid to take risks. I'm a relative newbie to all of this, and this kind of collaborative community working has been going on for many years here - but the pandemic has brought it into the spotlight, and bright and sparkly it shines. 

Today as one of the people who works for the council told of how he keeps talking about the brilliant work going on in New Addington and how that is an example to others across the borough something inside me lit up and felt proud - as someone called to the community it is a pleasure to be in a community that gets it, that runs with it and that commits to being all it is able to be. 

It's not been the easiest of journeys in New Addington, not least because I've been here almost longer in pandemic mode than not, but it is moments of joy and realisation like this that remind me of why I am here - and one of these things is to be part of and an encourager of the community -  standing side by side, walking onwards, whatever comes our way. 

This is what, as a follower of Jesus, I believe we are called to be. To love indiscriminately and seek to help the most broken rebuild, to sit beside others in sorrow and offer hope as they weep, to shine like stars in the universe - sparkling light in the snow, finding a way to thrive despite all that goes on around, to move the mirror in the right direction to shine the Christ light in the darkest places that need it most.... to live the best lives possible and invite others to join in and walk with us as we are trying to walk in the way of Christ....  

In the Message version of John 1 it says "The Word became Flesh and moved into the neighbourhood". In the snowy sparkle of today, it is clear this is where God is - he's living amongst the people, he is moving us towards restoration, he is calling us on.... in amongst the bigger picture as a church seeking to be a Christ-centred community, we see that He is moving beyond our familiar boundaries and bringing life in all its vibrancy, embedded in the community, calling us to embed ourselves with him. Telling the world about Christ includes living in the way of Christ, and right here, right now, that's dwelling with Christ in the neighbourhood to which he calls.