Exactly where you need to be......

I was sent this card the other week. Well, it was socially distanced hand delivered to my doorstep and it strikes me every day I look at it. "You are exactly where you need to be, one year on". 

I'm slowly doing one of those things that everybody is doing at the moment on facebook - mine is the 30 day music challenge and it's taken me more than 30 days to get through it because I haven't thought about it every day but I am on day 20 and the song of the day is 'one that has many meanings to you' and I was reminded of Lauren Daigle's "You Say" (which is at the bottom of this post).

I chose this song because I remember the day I was sent this by one of my favourites. It was when I was looking to move churches and it spoke deep down into where my trust and identity needed to lie. I remember the day I first heard it on the radio when I was driving down to the church for the first time after moving. I remember the time I heard it live in Shepherd's Bush with a friend with whom I've been on a journey through some really hard stuff. I haven't listened to it for a while, but the words keep speaking whenever I listen to them, knowing that I am enough because God made me enough (and far much more). 

I do, from time to time, doubt myself and my own ability to do be all I have been called to be, not least at this time of lockdown. When it's at its worse I overthink, react badly and struggle to motivate myself. At the moment everything I do is new, even though some of it has been going on for nine weeks, it's new. We've had to overhaul church working structures, change completely the way we work and my support networks have become a series of faces on the screen and WhatsApp messages, and I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy - it hasn't been - the burden is difficult to carry and the heavy weight of responsibility to carry others to the new when everything is still as new as new can be to me is challenging. As I discover new things I am very conscious that I am only a tiptoe ahead of everyone else, and my nervous confidence hides the fear I have that I might not be able to stop myself falling over, never mind anyone else. 

Last night I was talking with friends and it's the first time I've answered the statement 'I think you must be doing a great job' with 'yes, I might be' (or something like that). 

This week is mental health awareness week and as we've all been rocked from our very core, mental health is something that we all need to be thinking about at the moment - the mental health of others and also our own mental health. Even if we have not suffered from mental health issues before, the current uncertainty, the devastation of lives and the frustration not being able to fix anything is going to affect us all. Perhaps this week is a time to pause, to reflect and in the stopping evaluate how actually we really are doing. 

I'm doing better than I was two weeks ago. I know that for sure. I'm leaning hard on God who is all the strength I need. I'm trying to avoid the things that make me overthink and doubt myself, and I'm trying to be bolder in being confident at my own abilities and giftings in all of this. I've settled into a rhythm of work and time off that works for me right now. I walk out the frustrations when it's hard. I turn off the news when it's too much. I rant when I need to and I listen to songs of peace when that is all that will do. 

Mental Health Awareness Week is a time of pause to remember that who we are and what is going on in our mind matters. The Psalmist in Psalm 139 talks about how God knows all that is going on in minds, and that matters. If we are finding it difficult right now, we can lean hard on Him, we can reach out and lean on others too, because together we can take the strain. We all need to know that we are not on our own in this. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. 

Look after yourself, be gentle with yourself and with others. 

Breathe in peace and breathe it out again. 

You are far more than enough for right now.

Isolation Psalm (Reflection on Psalm 139)

Lord, you know me better than I know myself. 
You know when I sit on the sofa and you know when I go for my daily walk. 
You know exactly what I am thinking even though you seem far away. 
You know when I go out too often and you know when I don't feel like getting up.
You're familiar with all my habits and thinking. 
Before I get tongue-twisted on the phone or forget what I was going to say
You, Lord, know what I want to say already (sometimes I need you to tell me).
The knowledge you have of me is vast and wonderful
And I don't think I will ever understand my strange behaviour at the moment as you do. 

Where can I go from your Spirit? 
Where can I flee from your presence? 
If I go up onto the roof (that's not going out is it?) you are there. 
If I hide under the covers (that's definitely not going out) you are there.
If I rise earlier than I would normally do (why can't I sleep?)
If I settle into a rhythm that's alien but works
even there your hand will hold onto me,
Your right hand will help me stay upright. 
If I say, "Surely no one will remember me if I hide away
and the joy of being outside will become something to be forgotten"
even if I hide away for six months, you'll still find me
in the isolation I will never be alone, because however dark it gets, you are there. 

For you created me, from the inside out. You spent time knitting a pattern that had never been knitted before in my mother's womb. 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Everything you do is wonderful, and I know that, in my deepest being. 
My design was completely revealed to you when I was made in a place no one else could see,
when I was woven together in the dark secret place. 
Your eyes saw me before I even looked like me
And all the days were already written down before I even existed. 
I'm really interested in what you are thinking God, 
Because your thoughts must be infinitely big. 
I would try and count them (and I've probably got time now, so say some people) but I know they are too many to count, even when in isolation.... 
Even if I go to sleep, when I open my eyes you are still there. 

If only you God, would destroy this virus. 
Away from me, all other people and your germs. 
This virus is not of you, but yet for a while it lives and claims to have control over our lives. 
I hate this virus, Lord, just as you hate it
Just as you mourn at the suffering of so many. 
I have nothing but hatred for it
I count it as my enemy. It makes me so mad. 

Search me, God, you know how my heart is. 
Test me and know that I am full of worry and fear. 
See that I don't take out my frustration on anyone
And lead me in your way, which speaks of a life lived beyond my front door. 

Made, Loved, Kept......

“And in this he showed me a little thing, the quantity of a hazelnut, lying in the palm of my hand, as it seemed. And it was as round as any ball. I looked upon it with the eye of my understanding, and thought, ‘What may this be?’ And it was answered generally thus, ‘It is all that is made.’ I marvelled how it might last, for I thought it might suddenly have fallen to nothing for littleness. And I was answered in my understanding: It lasts and ever shall, for God loves it. And so have all things their beginning by the love of God.

In this little thing I saw three properties. The first is that God made it. The second that God loves it. And the third, that God keeps it.”   

- Julian of Norwich in Revelations of Divine Love

This image of the hazelnut has struck me ever since I first encountered it in our spirituality module at college - a small thing, a seemingly insignificant thing - made by God, loved by God, kept by God. It reminds me that however I feel, however small, however insignificant, however lost in the moment, that I am made by God, loved by God, kept by God.... and that's what matters. 

In the Dr Seuss book, which I only know really in the film 'Horton hears a who', a dust speck is dislodged from somewhere obscure and as it floats through the air, Horton (an elephant) hears a tiny voice shouting from it. Horton believes that a whole society of tiny creatures lives on that speck and so he makes it his mission to keep that tiny little world safe, so he seeks to find them the safest place in the jungle. Unfortunately the speck is stolen by the head of the jungle, Sour Kangaroo, who seeks to destroy it because Horton has disobeyed him. The film, fortunately, ends well for the creatures on the speck, and they are saved, a whole society living on a speck who had made enough noise to be heard by Horton as their world was rocked from the dislodging. 

I love this image too - of Horton saving the tiny little world, of carrying it through chaos and uncertainty to be in a place where it is safe - he forgives the Kangaroo for trying to destroy it too, because he didn't know of the little tiny world on the little tiny speck. 

The image, however, is lacking, because it depends on the noise of the citizens on the speck for them to be noticed..... and, unlike the hazelnut in Julian of Norwich's description, it is through its own effort that it finds its place in the universe. 

As we journey through life, we often approach it like the society on the insignificant speck, shouting out and hoping that Horton the Elephant will hear our cries - or anyone - whatever it is out there - will rescue us.... we hope that if we shout loud enough someone will hear, we hope that if we shout loud enough things will change, we hope that if we make a big fuss the Sour Kangaroo will put us down and let us be so we can continue to live our lives in the way we want.

What the image of the hazelnut tells us, is that whatever is happening, however small or insignificant we feel, however much we feel like we are shouting into the abyss, however broken we feel -  that actually, before anyone hears us, God, our loving and heavenly Father - he has us in his hand and he knows us; we are made by Him, we are loved by Him and we are kept by Him. 

How beautiful and how marvellous is that? You, we, I - all of us - are that significant. 

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar. 
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me"
Psalm 139:1-5

I know you?

"I know you!"

Do you? What does it really mean to know someone? Walking down the road you see a familiar face, you say to the person next to you - "I know that person"....do you? You read an application form or a wikipedia page detailing the facts of somebody's life. You meet them and you know them.....Do you? 

To know someone you need to spend time with them. You begin to find out the little things that make them tick. You know what irritates them and you do it all the more to get a reaction (no, nobody does that!??!). 

One of my favourite Psalms talks of being known - being known by God. Psalm 139 talks of God who has searched me, examined me, excavated me, dug deep down into me. It talks of God who is endlessly fascinated by everything we do - God who cares enough to count the hairs on our heads, who collects our tears and understands each one. It talks of God who knows every single knot in our stomach when we are worried about something. It talks of God who knows how to undo the knots but also knows the knots we don't want to undo because we think it will hurt too much. 

This is God who to whom nobody is anonymous, to whom nobody is a write off, who loses nobody in a crowd and who knows each person by name. God understands us in a way nobody can, not even those who know us best. 

How wonderful it is that God knows me fully. 

I love Psalm 139, but when I spent time in preparation for my sermon last Sunday I stopped and I thought for a moment..... 

Is it not a bit creepy? The fact that God is there in everything. The fact that he sees everything? It's wonderful, but it's a little bit scary. It talks of God who hems us in, behind and before - which reassures but also constrains. God who besieges - surrounds us with a fortifying wall.

It sounds a bit like the over-controlling partner in a marriage who loves their partner deeply but wants to know too much. Or a bit like the parent who wants to let the child go, but can't and loves them so much they still want to be involved in every aspect of their life. It talks of a feeling of being smothered. 

Or does it? 

One of the arguments I have heard against the existence of God is one where people choose to believe that the God we worship is a dictator type God who looks down on his people, controls their movements and gives them no freedom. That argument speaks of the threat of this Psalm - of a God who controls. If we picture God like that we live in a shade of angry gloom - the idea of God becomes despicable. If we think of hemming in like being besieged in a medieval war where God is the evil besieger, then we are left in a struggling poverty where we feel threatened by him. 

But.... that's not the God of Psalm 139. This is God who knows us intimately and wants to stand in the hemmed in city with us - he doesn't know us from afar, but knows us from within. He is not an over-looker, but is a factory worker fighting in the union for a peaceful yet justice ridden outcome (I love 'The Mill' - excellent Sunday night TV!). If we feel threatened by God who hems us in, we need to question whether we are seeing God as a God of dictatorship or God as a God of love, reaching out not in control, but deep love. 

To see God as a God of love and not a dictator, creepy stalker or chaperone the best place to understand that deep love is on the cross - where instead of hemming us in a siege to control our every move, God sacrificed his only Son, Jesus Christ, so that we could be liberated - so that we might know God who builds a fortress to protect us, living in it with us, gathering our tears, cherishing our thoughts, knowing our deepest desires and knots. 

Divine knowledge is far beyond any human knowledge, and divine presence is far beyond anything we can fathom. The Psalmist beautifully describes the depths of this love. 

When we choose to accept that it is not a threat to be known by God, our life turns from one that is hemmed in by expectation where our view of God is a far off being controlling and dictating our every move to one that is stamped with the word 'free', with the word 'child of God' where there is no need to hide any more: all is accepted. You will be searched, but nothing will be found in you that hasn't already been embraced and loved. God formed us, made us who we are. He loves us, loves us just the way we are and sent his Son to die for us so that we might know him.  

My Love-Hate Relationship

I love facebook. It is a great way of keeping in touch with people who I haven't seen for a long time. Living alone, it keeps me company. I like expressing my opinions, talking about what I am up to. engaging with the world. Facebook enables me to make contact with more people much more quickly and with great efficiency. 

I hate facebook. I know too much about people's lives. I once deleted someone because he kept putting pictures of his new girlfriend in states of undress on his page (why would you do that?). Some people have too many opinions (I once deleted someone because she commented on everything I wrote and nothing she ever said made sense and she didn't actually KNOW me). Some people are just irritating. 

I love facebook. It's in facebook I have managed to make connections with people I would otherwise have lost touch with. I know much more of what my family and close friends are up to and we can share photos so much more easily. I have joined groups and liked pages where I get things that make me think, things that make me laugh and are places where I can just have a good old moan. 

I hate facebook. I keep on nearly leaving. I have had friends who have left because of the difficulties they are going through and how facebook adversely affects them. We become obsessed with other people's lives - what we can't have. When someone throws some good news in your face and it's the kind of good news you would love to have. When it's covered with photos of loved up couples and babies, of people who have perfect lives..... I've seen people been torn apart by that. 

I love facebook. It is a place where I can see the world in a different way. It's a place where I see people totally passionate about what they believe in. It's a place where I connect with people I wouldn't be able to connect to in any other way. 

I hate facebook. It uses up too much of my time. I once spent a day off facebook, it felt like the chains had gone. It's scarily addictive and feels like a necessity. 

It's the 10th Anniversary of facebook. You can't escape it. Those videos are everywhere. I made one myself. After I made mine the 'edit' function was introduced - in case you weren't happy with your facebook life. Says it all really. We're all guilty of it - we edit our lives on facebook to become something that shows us in our best light. I have always had a policy of not de-tagging myself on photos - but it's tempting. I don't want people to see me looking awful. Yet this is me, I am who I am. I should be who I am on facebook. 

I've recently started to use facebook slightly differently in a way that reflects how I am trying to live. It is in a way that is inspired by a woman I met in India who said that despite all of the trouble at home she saw God's blessings in the tiniest of things and it reminded her that God is with her. A friend introduced my to 100 Happy Days (my photos). I don't expect to be totally happy for 100 days, but I'm expecting to take the time to look for the tiny (and bigger) blessings in life where I remember God's goodness. It's been great to see so many people take up this challenge and I love seeing people think a little differently about what has blessed them during that day. 

I love facebook, but I hate it's superficialness. However, by sharing something of the every day and seeing parts of other people's every day it's blessed me more recently in more ways than it has in a long time. 

Even where we create a fake us - where we lie about what we have been doing to make ourselves look better (there was once a woman who used to write she was doing a 5k run and would go to the shop and come back in 5 minutes) - when we consider God reading our facebook page - he knows us intimately and knows exactly what we need even where we don't know what we need ourselves. He's the one who blesses us - not the number of likes on a status or the congratulations we crave.... it's God - and he knows where we've de-tagged, edited statuses, shouted, blocked and deleted. He knows. 

"O Eternal One, You have explored my heart and know exactly who I am;
2 You even know the small details like when I take a seat and when I stand up again.
    Even when I am far away, You know what I’m thinking.
3 You observe my wanderings and my sleeping, my waking and my dreaming,
    and You know everything I do in more detail than even I know.
4 You know what I’m going to say long before I say it.
    It is true, Eternal One, that You know everything and everyone.
5 You have surrounded me on every side, behind me and before me,
    and You have placed Your hand gently on my shoulder.
6 It is the most amazing feeling to know how deeply You know me, inside and out;
    the realization of it is so great that I cannot comprehend it."   
                                                                               Psalm 139:1-6 (The Voice)

A time to say sorry (and a time to not....)

When I was a teenager I went through a stage of saying sorry too much. I would say sorry for existing if I could (and in a serious way rather than a soREEE sort of way). This wound other people up, and my vocabulary became less diverse (as it would if every other sentence contained the word sorry). I don't do that any more, perhaps I got bored with it. 

Or did I? Maybe now I do it more in my mind. I wonder if sometimes I am too apologetic for being me. Somebody is grumpy and I spend time wondering what it is that I have done to upset them (when I know when I am grumpy it is because I am - not always because of someone else). If I argue with someone I want to apologise, even if it is them who needs to apologise. I will leave a conversation with someone and worry that I might have said something I need to say sorry for. It's not a confidence issue, it's a keeping peace issue. I try not to break too many eggshells for fear of making too loud a noise. 

If this advent period is a time for reflection and confession (which I think it probably is) then I need to say sorry to God for being sorry too much. I need to say sorry for those times when I have not been bold in saying what I really think is right for fear of upsetting others. I need to say sorry for those times I have not confronted a wrong situation for fear of upsetting those who I am going to confront. 

I am me. I am not going to become one of those people who stands up and makes my opinions heard above everyone else, but I am trying to be one of those people who is honest about what I really think and believe. My ideas and thoughts may or may not be the same as others. They might irritate or challenge, affirm or placate, but this is me, and these are the things I want to say and feel right in saying. 

So, I am sorry if I say something to make you grumpy or say something really stupid when I am tired. I'm going to try not to dwell on it and I'm going to be the person who God has called me to be when he made me me. 

"Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." 
                                                                                              Psalm 139:23-24 TNIV