On Bishops, disagreements, the Bible and me

I've watched with interest the discussions about female bishops in the Church of England this week. I've also been reading some people's comments on it. Most of my friends are supportive, celebratory or silent. 

But then... there are those voices that are none of these. Those that think women should be silent in church. Those that think women in ministry is a great big fat sin. Those that point to Eve as the temptress and say 'this is why'. I get that other people have different views. I understand where they have coming from. What I don't understand is where when I disagree with them they think I haven't thought it through. I haven't commented this time. The arguments make me tired. They question who I am and who I am called to be without talking to me about my story. They assume I am a flaky sort of Christian who doesn't believe in much really. 

The thing is, as I read the Bible. As I wrestle with the really hard stuff in the light of Christ I see God as one who values women, gifts women, puts them in places where society wouldn't put them. I see women leading churches, women who are top in business, female deacons, female apostles, female world changers. 

I know your argument but I don't get your refusal to listen. You say you are open to change but you won't engage in conversation. You just keep shouting. 

The thing is, my gender does not define what role I can take, but God does. God has made me who I am. He has given me the gifts he has given me. He has made me very capable. 

I like baking, I hate cleaning, I can't sew. I'll happily shift furniture and build flat packs. I love driving and I have good spatial awareness (apart from when it comes to door handles). I'm not at home making drinks, washing up, arranging flowers and teaching small children. I'm a leader, a preacher and as stubborn as stubborn can be. I am single. I'm likely not to get married. I'm OK with that. I am not missing anything but a bit of self discipline when it comes to savoury snacks.

What I do know in all of this is that God made me who I am. I love his word, I wrestle with it regularly. I thirst for knowing more. I want to be true to it. I want to serve God the best I possibly can. I believe I am called to lead a church. 

So please think before you speak. Your words hurt. Your words question who I am in Christ. Disagree by all means, but disagree with grace and take me seriously.

(For discussions that might be helpful, Rachel Held Evans comes from an American evangelical background. She writes a lot about gender and the Bible. Her blog can be found here http://rachelheldevans.com). 

I want to fly

I regularly walk down paths and walk past other paths and think 'I wonder where that goes?' and then carry on in my normal direction. If I am going somewhere that's OK - it wouldn't make sense to take a different path if I didn't know where it went. However, if, like yesterday, I am just going for a walk to clear my head, the 'wonder where that goes' can be answered. 

So yesterday I did. I didn't go the way I normally go, I turned sharply left, up steep steps to the top of a small hill I've never climbed before. It wasn't that exciting. It didn't take me where I expected it to, but I did it - I didn't just wonder, I went. 

When I got to the top of the hill the path came out from the woods into a field - a field that I've walked in before but never found the path to the wood. As I walked through the field the path system began to make sense. I knew where I was going, but was disappointed to end up where I had been just fifteen minutes ago. My loop walk was not a loop any more. 

Before I ended up where I had been, I saw a movement in front of me. The swift flapping of wings which then stopped. A butterfly had landed on the floor in front of me. It wasn't a colourful butterfly, but it was a butterfly - perfectly formed and beautiful. 

Butterflies seem to be the theme of the month. I have two laminated pictures of butterflies I've picked up at things I've been to. I seem to be collecting a lot of clothes with butterflies on and the new beautiful coat I have just bought has butterflies on the inner lining that I didn't notice until I had bought it. 

Butterflies speak of freedom. They speak of hope. They speak of new life - a new life that is released from the boundaries of the chrysalis that came about after a seemingly long lifetime of leaf munching. They speak of a life on the wind that blows wherever it will. When I see a dead butterfly although I admire its beauty, I mourn the loss of its ability to ride on the wind. 

Butterflies remind me that even in the most monotonous of things (leaf munching) there is hope of something better. They remind me that even where something looks dead (the chrysalis) there is hope of new life. In the human created systems that restrain us to how things 'should' be done we miss the freedom that that hope brings. Too often our systems institutionalise us and leave us in a place where leaf munching seems best or where we want to keep warm and safe in our chrysalis and we miss the beauty of hope. 

Yet when we let go we can ride on the wind. I love that. I don't want to be constrained or held back because of what we like doing now. I don't want to be stuck inside a controlling and constricting chrysalis. I want to fly.

John 3:8 says this:

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

When we live with the freedom the Spirit brings we are able to take the path we are guided to even if we don't know where it is going and be confident in the knowledge that it's going to be OK because we can trust in God who brings the greatest hope and freedom we can ever dream of. 

It's not always easy, it's very risky, but to be released from that chrysalis brings new and exciting opportunity. I want to fly. I want to stop 'wondering if' and go with where God takes me.

What makes you beautiful?

When we think of the word beauty we often go first for looks – what is beautiful to our eyes. The beautiful person who dazzles us. The sparkly shoes that glimmer in the corner of my living room. The building that we walk into and makes us go ‘wow!’. Beauty is standing on the top of the hill and seeing creation unfold before you. It’s looking at the trees and seeing how they grow. It's in Mathematics – the completion of equations, the way everything holds together.

But beauty is not only about looks. There is a more holistic feeling to beauty. Beauty is something about something or someone that provides an experience beyond what we might comprehend. I was watched the secret life of babies last week which talked about how we are naturally wired to look into a babies face and be attracted to who they are and want to care for them – want them to be part of our lives. The experience of beauty talks about balance and harmony – leading to feelings of attractiveness and well-being.

One of the words in NT Greek translated beauty is ὡραῖος which talks of something that is seen just at the right moment -  of ripeness - a fruit being there at the right time and being just the right sweetness.

What makes humans beautiful as individuals and as community is that we are made in the image of God – who we are – not in looks but in existence should reflect the loving, mighty and awesome God who we worship. As we are made in the image of God our values and the way we behave as a community become more important. To be truly beautiful we need to follow Christ’s example – who is the true and complete image of God.

A community that is made in the image of God should be a community that brings the hope of Jesus. If a community speaks of living as beauty it speaks of being incarnational – of bringing the light of Jesus wherever it is. A community that continually seeks to do this becomes attractive because it speaks more and more of Jesus. Jesus attracted people because he was a walking, talking embodiment of God’s love.

In the words of some band called One Direction (no I am not a fan) what makes you beautiful is that you light up my life like nobody else. 

Or, even better, in 2 Corinthians 5:17

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!" 

What makes us beautiful is Christ - who is the light of the world. 

Mothering Sunday Prayer

I wrote this prayer to use during our Mothering Sunday service. Mothering Sunday is both a celebration and a time of sorrow. We feel both of these emotions with all of our senses: in all we see, hear, smell, touch and taste. A prayer of journeys and of blessing.

Loving God, you are both Father and Mother to us. We come to you today all on different parts of our journey. Some of us are searching, some of us are feeling lost, some of us are hurting, some of us are feeling loved. Wherever we are and whatever we feel we come to you as our parent – the one who understands, and knows and walks with us.

As we journey with you today we hear the sounds of joy. As families meet together and celebrate being family together. As children tell their mothers how beautifully wonderful they are and as mothers tell their children how loved they are.

We also hear the sounds of mourning. We pray for those for whom this Mothering Sunday is a reminder of loss. A reminder that their Mum is not with them any more. We pray for peace. We pray for comfort. We pray that you might pick them up and carry them today.

As we journey with you today we taste the sweetness of new life. We thank you for the children in our lives. The way they smile, the way they brighten our lives. Help us to welcome children as part of our family, loving them unconditionally as you love them.

We also taste the bitterness that this day brings. For those who have not been able to have children we know that today can be a sorrowful and painful reminder of that. We pray for those people who have desperately wanted to be parents and have not been able to be. We pray that you might bring some sweetness into their lives through the blessings of others. We pray for comfort. We pray that you might pick them up and carry them today.

As we journey with you today we see the beauty in family life. We see how you have blessed us and cared for us. We remember where you have taken us and we look forward to where you are taking us next. Help us to continue to trust you as the future unfurls before our eyes.

We also remember that there are people for whom the future is not what they expected to see. We pray for those who have lost a child – who were looking forward with joy only to have that dream shattered. We pray for peace. We pray for comfort. We pray that you might pick them up and carry them today.

As we journey with you today we remember the smells of home. The smell of freshly baked cake, a delicious meal and the familiar. We thank you for what you have provided for us.

We also remember that not everyone has enough, that not everyone can experience the smells of home. We pray for those children who have no home, who have no one they can call Mum or Dad and who need caring for. We pray for those who do not have enough food or money. We pray that you will provide for them. We pray that you will pick them up and carry them today.

As we journey today we reach out our hands to you. We know that where we put our hand in your hand we can rely on your guidance, your love, your arms that carry us when life is hard.

We also remember those we love who have not reached out their hands to you or have let go, gone their own way. Our children who do not know you, our parents, our partners, our siblings, our wider families and the people we care about deeply. We pray that they may reach out to you, take your hand and choose to follow you.

Loving God, you are both Father and Mother to us. We come to you today all on different parts of our journey. Some of us are searching, some of us are feeling lost, some of us are hurting, some of us are feeling loved. Wherever we are and whatever we feel we come to you as our parent – the one who understands and knows and walks with us. 

I'm Awkward

I'm awkward. 

There you go, I said it. 

I'm not awkward in a bad way (I think anyway), I'm awkward in the way that people don't know how to deal with me. I would rather stand on the edge of the crowd watching people and joining in when I feel I want to (that's not because I'm shy, I'm most definitely not shy, but because I'm really not that into small talk). I don't hug (I just don't, there is nothing wrong with that?), I avoid holding hands at certain points in church (why do people make you do that?), I don't clap (it hurts, why would you deliberately hurt yourself?), I sometimes come across as a bit.... well.... odd. 

I'm awkward. 

I'm awkward because I am one of those people who finds stuff difficult to engage with unless I am involved, hands on. I am a dreaded kinesthetic learner, perhaps leaning a bit on the visual, but most definitely kinesthetic. I don't engage with stuff unless I'm involved in the leading or involved in the doing. I can't help it..... it's just the way I am. 

I'm awkward.

I'm awkward when it comes to worship events. I have a had a lot of people say to me recently - that was really good and I'm a bit mmmm...... yeah, whatever you say. I'm the one that sits at the back looking really grumpy, a bit disengaged, fiddling with my phone, flicking through my Bible. 

It's not because I don't want to be there (although sometimes I don't). It's not because I don't love church (I do, I do, I do). It's not because I don't enjoy worshipping God...... it's because I am sick of the default position of being passive - being a passenger on a ship with the leader as the Captain telling me where I am going..... 

I want to be hands on. I want to be liberated, empowered, excited, energised. For me, sitting back, words kind of there, doesn't do it for me. I get frustrated that too many people love the passive so much that I have to lead in a way that assumes a passive congregation. I get frustrated that too many people love being the captain so much they assume the congregation don't want to get involved. I get frustrated that when you let the passengers be part of the crew nobody quite knows what to do. 

What frustrates me most, however, is that this mono-voiced way of being church is the norm, the expected, the default.

I've been reading Multi-Voiced Church by Stuart and Sian Murray Williams. They speak about how when there has been a renewal in the church it has often involved the voices of the many, that although there is a place for one voice, there is more of a place for many voices. Where all are seen as equal and able to participate this enriches the worship experience, enables and empowers the church and make us more confident in our faith. 

So perhaps I'm not awkward, perhaps I'm just thirsty for change. Perhaps Kinesthetic learners need to be taken seriously and not just seen as the ones who find it difficult to engage. Perhaps we need to take seriously the need to change our default settings to new and empowering ones. I don't want to be Times New Roman any more. 

"This is what I mean, my friends. When you meet for worship, one person has a hymn, another a teaching, another a revelation from God, another a message in strange tongues, and still another the explanation of what is said. Everything must be of help to the church". 1 Corinthians 14:26

My Love-Hate Relationship

I love facebook. It is a great way of keeping in touch with people who I haven't seen for a long time. Living alone, it keeps me company. I like expressing my opinions, talking about what I am up to. engaging with the world. Facebook enables me to make contact with more people much more quickly and with great efficiency. 

I hate facebook. I know too much about people's lives. I once deleted someone because he kept putting pictures of his new girlfriend in states of undress on his page (why would you do that?). Some people have too many opinions (I once deleted someone because she commented on everything I wrote and nothing she ever said made sense and she didn't actually KNOW me). Some people are just irritating. 

I love facebook. It's in facebook I have managed to make connections with people I would otherwise have lost touch with. I know much more of what my family and close friends are up to and we can share photos so much more easily. I have joined groups and liked pages where I get things that make me think, things that make me laugh and are places where I can just have a good old moan. 

I hate facebook. I keep on nearly leaving. I have had friends who have left because of the difficulties they are going through and how facebook adversely affects them. We become obsessed with other people's lives - what we can't have. When someone throws some good news in your face and it's the kind of good news you would love to have. When it's covered with photos of loved up couples and babies, of people who have perfect lives..... I've seen people been torn apart by that. 

I love facebook. It is a place where I can see the world in a different way. It's a place where I see people totally passionate about what they believe in. It's a place where I connect with people I wouldn't be able to connect to in any other way. 

I hate facebook. It uses up too much of my time. I once spent a day off facebook, it felt like the chains had gone. It's scarily addictive and feels like a necessity. 

It's the 10th Anniversary of facebook. You can't escape it. Those videos are everywhere. I made one myself. After I made mine the 'edit' function was introduced - in case you weren't happy with your facebook life. Says it all really. We're all guilty of it - we edit our lives on facebook to become something that shows us in our best light. I have always had a policy of not de-tagging myself on photos - but it's tempting. I don't want people to see me looking awful. Yet this is me, I am who I am. I should be who I am on facebook. 

I've recently started to use facebook slightly differently in a way that reflects how I am trying to live. It is in a way that is inspired by a woman I met in India who said that despite all of the trouble at home she saw God's blessings in the tiniest of things and it reminded her that God is with her. A friend introduced my to 100 Happy Days (my photos). I don't expect to be totally happy for 100 days, but I'm expecting to take the time to look for the tiny (and bigger) blessings in life where I remember God's goodness. It's been great to see so many people take up this challenge and I love seeing people think a little differently about what has blessed them during that day. 

I love facebook, but I hate it's superficialness. However, by sharing something of the every day and seeing parts of other people's every day it's blessed me more recently in more ways than it has in a long time. 

Even where we create a fake us - where we lie about what we have been doing to make ourselves look better (there was once a woman who used to write she was doing a 5k run and would go to the shop and come back in 5 minutes) - when we consider God reading our facebook page - he knows us intimately and knows exactly what we need even where we don't know what we need ourselves. He's the one who blesses us - not the number of likes on a status or the congratulations we crave.... it's God - and he knows where we've de-tagged, edited statuses, shouted, blocked and deleted. He knows. 

"O Eternal One, You have explored my heart and know exactly who I am;
2 You even know the small details like when I take a seat and when I stand up again.
    Even when I am far away, You know what I’m thinking.
3 You observe my wanderings and my sleeping, my waking and my dreaming,
    and You know everything I do in more detail than even I know.
4 You know what I’m going to say long before I say it.
    It is true, Eternal One, that You know everything and everyone.
5 You have surrounded me on every side, behind me and before me,
    and You have placed Your hand gently on my shoulder.
6 It is the most amazing feeling to know how deeply You know me, inside and out;
    the realization of it is so great that I cannot comprehend it."   
                                                                               Psalm 139:1-6 (The Voice)

Don't pick your scab.

Don't pick your scab. 

Some of the best advice that I was given when growing up. If you pick your scab it won't heal very well, it will bleed again, it will get infected. I once was running home from a friends house wearing my ballet shoes (I never did ballet - I've never been dainty enough or had the coordination - but I had ballet shoes) and I fell over. I seem to remember I was carrying roller skates. Why I was wearing ballet shoes with roller skates anyway I have no idea and am surprised I didn't fall over earlier. Anyway, I fell over and my knee did that thing - it bled everywhere. I got an amazing scab. 

A little while later (days? weeks?) I was at a Girls Brigade party and the scab that I had evidently been picking was knocked off in a game. My knee started to bleed again and as a result I have now on my right knee a white mark where it never had chance to heal properly. 

Don't pick your scab. 

As we journey through life we pick up wounds - some of them heal completely, some of them scab over. The trouble is that the ones that simply scab over get picked at at random intervals and they begin to bleed again. They stop us in our tracks as we realise that once again we need to clean up the mess and put a plaster on and wait for them to scab over again trying to get to the point where we stop picking so they heal completely - so that the scar is all that remains. 

Don't pick your scab.

I've noticed in being part of a church community that people have their favourite scabs to pick at - it starts with the choice of biscuit, the choice of hymns, the way things are done, the steps we are taking forward, our particular view of theology, our deep held beliefs that we are reluctant to challenge, our theological bugbear...... some of these things needed to be removed completely, some simply healed over, some actually left to flourish - but the problem we have is that we keep picking at them because it feels familiar and quite nice to pick a scab and make it bleed again so we don't have to look forward to the next hill we need to run up (or down) to get to the next place that God is taking us. 

Don't pick your scab.

I've been involved a lot in discussions about the future lately - as part of the wider Baptist family, as a Methodist circuit, as a college, as a church and as just me and one thing that has struck me is that however big the decisions that we are making we all have those scabs that at the right moment we pick at, make bleed and stop us in our tracks. 

I've decided in the last few months that I'm going to stop picking at mine. I'm also going to try and stop other people trying to pick at mine too (although that is a little bit harder). If less people picked at their own and others scabs the journey would become so much less messy (or different kind of messy) and we might actually get somewhere. 

Don't pick your scab. Just stop it..... stop.... it.....  

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back."              Philippians 3:12-14 (MSG)