That lone voice......

And the lone voice of a man cries out 'but it's not in the Bible'. His views are heard. They're challenged. The service goes on. 

But that man's voice is still there. He's heard spell out his views on women leaders (women are made to be gorgeous not leaders, women can have babies, men can be bishops, we have different roles) on national news. He's challenged by an abundance of tweets and comments. 

But that man's voice is still there. His views are heard. His views represent a voice that rises up at moments like these, but is there, all the time, views that are the norm in some places. His voice is still there. 

His voice is still there in the concern over my role as minister of a church as a stumbling block for someone joining the church. His voice is still there when I'm told there are things I should not be doing because I am a woman and 'I should have learnt by now', his voice is still there when I'm told that women are not made to be leaders, his voice is still there when the conversation is about what makes a good preacher and that good preacher is most definitely male. 

His voice is still there when it's suggested that the move to female bishops is a step towards restoration of fallen creation and that suggestion is accompanied by a vehement shaking of head. His voice is still there. 

I'm struggling right now with the number of challenges to my ministry being thrown at me; not because I am no good at it; not because I'm getting it wrong all the time; not because I am not called; not because my ministry has not been affirmed most clearly by the church I am serving, my college and my association (I am called, I am affirmed, I am, I hear, doing a good job and getting it right a lot of the time); but because of my gender. 

This morning we were talking in our Bible Study about the anointing of King David in 1 Samuel 16. He was not who was expected. He was the youngest of a number of brothers. He wasn't even there when Samuel came to the temple because the expectations of him were definitely not King. Yet there he was. God knew him. God called him. 

We came to the conclusion that to God it didn't matter that David was the youngest, that to anoint him would be totally against society conventions, yet God still chose him. What mattered was God's call. 

What matters to me is God's call, as affirmed by those who know me well, my church and beyond... and that is what excites me and keeps me going. 

I love the fact that we're all different - we have different views and ideas. I love the fact that we can read the Bible and discover so much more about God. I love the fact that the journey is still ongoing. I love it when I see that something happens that is a sign that God's Kingdom is near, is here, is coming. 

But I'd love it if it wasn't so hard sometimes! That lone voice, I'm so pleased you have a say, because I believe in freedom of speech, but it doesn't mean that when it's there every day and not always such a lone voice it doesn't hurt and question the person who God has called me to be. It doesn't mean that you do not undermine the clear call my church has given me. We need to remember that many of our views are not just theoretical theological ideas, but about people, made in the image of God, and often, I've found, the people who are standing right there in front of you. 

And by the way, it is in the Bible - read about it here

The Parable of the Polygons (and let's add some shapes with curved edges because they're important too)

I often talk about what normal is with one particular mathematician friend. Whenever anyone talks about what normal is then there needs to be a central defining point. For us, (jokingly of course) it's people like us. We're two different people with a different set of beliefs but with a number of things that unite us, so if we are both normal the concept of what is normal (if it is to be us) must be quite diverse. What I value in our normalness together is the fact that we can engage on a level that has more depth than engaging with people who are just like us. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking about community building and hospitality in a church context. When we look to belong we often look to people who are like us. Same social standing, same economic background, same interests, same...... those social groupings are based on our own concept of normalness. To begin to let the group grow beyond that normality is seen as taking risks or messy or rocking the status quo. 

Or is it?

I recently came across the 'Parable of the Polygons' which was shared on facebook. This attracted me because of the word Polygon and probably put a lot of people off because it sounds a bit mathematical. Anyway, have a read and a go, it is really interesting - like a game you could play for ages..... and there are graphs. 

The general gist of the Parable of the Polygons is that the choices we make in the way we relate to different social groupings and the way we invite people to be part of our own social groupings can cause harm if we don't make those choices carefully. We can say we are seeking equality, we are seeking to embrace all, but in making bad choices as to who we spend time with we could be creating a community made up of unhappy triangles....it'll all make sense if you have a play... go on, I dare you. 

The writer wraps up with three points, the last one of which tells us to 'demand diversity near you'. They say that we need to look around us and that if we are all triangles we're going to be 'missing out on some amazing squares in your life - that's unfair to everyone'. 

The results of this parable are interesting - that where we demand a bit of diversity in our groupings, this makes a huge positive difference overall. 

So, why is this important in the context of a church community? 

Well, words are batted around about being welcoming, inclusive, seeking diversity; we say that God's love is for everyone, not just people like us, that Jesus died on the cross for everyone, not just those we like, they just need to respond to him. But then we mourn (or some of us secretly love I reckon) the fact that churches are monochrome, made of one generation, too family orientated, too feminine, too masculine, just too..... 

What the Parable of the Polygons shows us is that where a small minority are committed to challenging the biases that naturally exist in our communities, that can make a difference, but that it takes work. It doesn't take giving up and hoping it happens. It doesn't take giving in and saying 'well this inevitable'. It takes 2,3, 4..... people who are committed to being anti-biased to change a community, and as more people see the change, feel the change, recognise it as beneficial to the wider community they will join too. 

In recognising the diversity that should naturally exist in the people we group with as a local church, we recognise how society has changed. We'd like to hold on to a time when society was not as it is today, but then we miss the beauty of what we can learn from the God places - the thin places where heaven and earth meet that exist in the communities around us. 

So perhaps we need to change where the boundaries are, and that's what those triangles and squares seeking diversity are doing. Where the status quo changes to something more reflective of where people actually are, where the diversity of culture is expressed, then the community we are part of becomes better, more beautiful, more reflective of the Image of God in which we were created. In the end perhaps we'll be happier together....?

I've been reading 'Tracks and Traces' by Paul Fiddes. I love this book... he says on p133....

".... If we are to minister to society as a whole, and to its various social groupings that can no longer be confined to a nuclear family, then we must learn to 'open up space' within the boundaries of the gathered church. We must learn hospitality which is not patronizing and which values people for whom they are. We must let our living space overlap with others". 

A type of hospitality that is unbiased? Welcoming the squares and the triangles and the shapes with curved edges? Is that more normal than gathering with people who are like me? Is that what a church with Christ at the head should look like?

Advent Stop. Advent Waiting.

Advent is a time when you stop and you wait. You look forward with anticipation to the coming of Jesus. This is the build up, the time to take stock, the time just to be.....

Well, that's what the plan is. 

I've become very aware lately of the importance of good time off. Not just time off, but good time off. My day off is Friday. I used to enjoy Fridays. They were me days. They were the days that I have to do what I want to do. 

But lately... Fridays have become a day of collapse. I get to Friday and I get irrationally angry. I get to Friday and I try and escape the every day by curling up in a ball and dozing or driving around shouting at other drivers who do things I wouldn't.... 

Last week I stopped. I realised Friday had become a day of sounding off about all the busyness of the week. It had become a day of recovery, not a day of rest. To be able to enjoy it I need to rest during the week. I proclaim the importance of a day off to everyone else, but I'm not doing it properly myself. 

Advent is a time when you stop and wait. You look forward with anticipation to the coming of Jesus. This is the build up, the time to take stock, the time just to be.....

At Baptist Assembly this year the people who got the handshake (moved from the Newly Accredited Minister to the Accredited Minister list) had to make a promise to have time off or not be busy or something like that.... and everyone laughed. 'It's not possible' the laugh said. 'As if' the laugh said. 'You must be dreaming if they are really going to keep that promise' the laugh said. 

But it is. It is possible. I believe it is. 

Advent is a time when you stop and wait. You look forward with anticipation to the coming of Jesus. This is the build up, the time to take stock, the time just to be.....

I have an intermittent habit of making advent resolutions. Advent is traditionally the start of the new church year. At our church we start our new year in September, but, unknowingly, my personal start has become Advent. 

I know to be effective in my ministry I need this stop time - not just recovery time on Friday, but slow down time during the week. So my advent resolution - it's to get to Friday and enjoy it - whatever that takes - and take that habit into next year and beyond. When I am tired I will rest. When I need introvert alone time I will be alone. When I need company, I will seek it. When I need time to cook dinner to make me healthy, I will cook dinner. When I need to stop and be, I will stop and be.

Advent is a time when you stop and wait. You look forward with anticipation to the coming of Jesus. This is the build up, the time to take stock, the time just to be.....

Advent Waiting. Wait well. Look around..... see glimmers of light in the darkness. Christ is coming. 

Fishing, Maths and Faith

There are times in this crazy minister in training world I inhabit that I wake up and declare 'it would be easier if I was still a maths teacher'.Other teachers might argue 'no it's not' - but don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what I am doing now is harder, it's just that it's differently hard for me and affects me in ways I could never imagine. I was the kind of teacher who was able to separate out my maths teacher life and the rest of it. Relaxing, reflecting and getting away was easy. I was efficient. The nature of maths as a subject meant that a lot of the marking and planning could be done on auto pilot - delving deep into the beauty of the subject, but keeping it simple because maths - well - it just is. I was never called to be a maths teacher for ever - throughout my teaching life I knew I was only doing this for a time, that I would need to move on.....

But sometimes I wake up and say 'what if I was still there?'

I've been listening to a sermon preached by Jeff Lucas this morning called 'Breakfast with Jesus' (see video below), that just at the right time challenged that feeling when I woke up this morning and declared to God 'it would be easier if.....'. It was based on the passage at the end of John's gospel where Jesus meets the disciples on the beach and they have breakfast together. Peter and Jesus then have their famous interaction where Jesus challenges him 'Do you love me more than these'. 

Peter, the fisherman, who had given it all up to follow Jesus was fishing after Jesus' death. His life as a fisherman was easy. He may have not always got the catch of fish he wanted. He may have worked in the dead of night. But..... it was familiar, autopilot, what he was good at. 

"Do you love me more than these...." fish..... maths lessons...... those things I do that make me feel comfortable and efficient and good and.......

Jesus says 'me or the fish?' 

Faith or fish? 

Jeff Lucas talks about how once you've entered the Kingdom of God you will never be satisfied with just surviving. 

If I was still a maths teacher I would survive. I could be mardy when I wanted to be mardy. I could take out my frustrations on the pupils who irritate me (no teacher ever does that, honestly), I could throw a strop with my colleagues and not have them raise their eyebrows at my ridiculouslessness - my 'un-Christian' behaviour, I could go wild (in an introverted, restrained way), I could choose the people who I have in my life and avoid the ones who irritate me. 

But I wouldn't be the person who God created and called me to be. I'm not meant to be a maths teacher (some people are, and in serving God in that role, may wake up in the morning and say 'it would be easier if.....') but I'm meant to be living right now this crazy, sometimes mind blowing, life that God has called me to.

Faith or fish?  

Prosperous Planning?

I've become more relaxed when it comes to planning. I realise that when other people are involved they don't necessarily work to my time scale. So when I am planning, I don't always expect people to respond in the way I expect them to respond (if that makes sense!?). I plan in the way I see best, but make the plan flexible enough to be changed when it needs to be. I think there are a number of different types of people when it comes to planning......

Those who have everything planned in meticulous detail - who have a folder of routes and ideas and timetables and find it difficult to deviate from the detail. These people work better with those who just want someone else to make the plan. 

Those who want to collaborate with others when it comes to planning, but then when it comes down to it, get frustrated and end up becoming the one who plans in meticulous detail, but without the folders and the timetables, and with a gentle sniff of flexibility (I think I am this person). 

Those who have a vague plan in their head which only comes out with the right questions. These are often the most frustrating, but come out with some amazing stuff!

Those who plan last minute, are always late and would rather someone tell them what to do until someone tells them what to do. I'm never this person. 

We all seem to have a different view of what it means to make a plan. When you ask 'what's the plan?' each of these different people will have different answers.... from here it is planned out minute by minute to 'wait and see'. 

I've listened to a couple of sermons lately where I've been told that God has a plan for my life, so it's all going to be OK.  I've been told that if my life isn't going to God's plan (ie not going well) then I'm clearly not a good Christian. I've also read a few blogs that have been frustrated about the misuse of Jeremiah 29:11, which was said to a particular people group at a particular time and shouldn't be misused to tell me that God has a plan for my life. 

What I struggle with in this apparent plan of God where I am told that life is going to be rosy is when I see friends who are having a really hard time; who are suffering seemingly needlessly because things haven't worked out and then are told, well it's going to be OK, God has a plan, and it's wonderful. I believe God has a path for me to go on, but I think we've warped this idea of that plan by surrounding it with the phrase 'it'll be OK because......'. 

The thing is Jeremiah 29:11 doesn't talk about things going well right now. It doesn't talk about the Israelites escaping from exile right now. God tells the Israelites, who are stuck in Babylon, to make the best of a bad situation because there is hope in the future. They didn't want to be stuck in Babylon. They didn't want to be there so much they got angry and Psalm 137 was written where the babies of those who have hurt them are smashed against the rocks. This is not the Psalm of a nation who are are happy to be in exile, happy to say, well, it's OK, God has plans, but is the Psalm of a nation who are so frustrated at their situation that they express emotion by wanting to hurt the Babylonians as much as they have been hurt. 

Sometimes when we say, don't worry, it's going to be OK, God has plans, we forget that the people we are saying it to are those who have had everything meticulously planned out but have been thrown into exile. When we see the plight of Christians driven out of their homes in Iraq, we can't imagine saying 'don't worry, Jeremiah 29:11'. 

What this verse does promise the Israelites, however, is that there is hope in the future. They are promised hope in a future where they will prosper. They did eventually make it out of exile, but life was never the same again. For me, that hope comes in Christ, who was sent by God into the world to die so all may be restored - so that all may have eternal life. When we talk about plans we are not talking about life getting better today, or tomorrow. When we talk about plans we are not talking about that deep seated pain an individual has gone through being what God wanted for that person. When we talk about plans, we see hope in the future that there will be a way out of this, that there is hope that there will be a future where there will be no more pain or sickness or death. This is Christian hope. This is the hope that brings to completion the plans of prosperity in Jeremiah 29:11. We might see glimpses of that as we journey through life, but that hope of prosperity is more than a glimpse.  

When Christ came to earth as a human being, he brought God's Kingdom to earth. I believe we are living in a time where God's Kingdom has come through Christ, but that the world has not been fully restored. When we see glimmers of hope, through healing, through reconciliation and through the clear signs of God's love poured down on earth, we see some of that Kingdom. We were told in church this morning that where we stand against what society chooses to do that doesn't reflect God's Kingdom we need to offer an alternative. Where people are fighting we need to seek peace, where people have no food we need to seek to bring food, where people are suffering we need to stand in solidarity with them to bring them out, where Richard Dawkins suggests abortion is better than a child with Downs Syndrome (his words this week have made me so angry) we need to speak out. Every time we do that we bring glimpses of hope, glimpses of God's Kingdom, glimpses of those plans that God has for us. Hope that speaks of this:

"He will settle disputes among great nations. They will hammer their swords ploughs and their spears into pruning-knives. Nations will never again go to war, never prepare for battle again".        Isaiah 2:4

I know you?

"I know you!"

Do you? What does it really mean to know someone? Walking down the road you see a familiar face, you say to the person next to you - "I know that person"....do you? You read an application form or a wikipedia page detailing the facts of somebody's life. You meet them and you know them.....Do you? 

To know someone you need to spend time with them. You begin to find out the little things that make them tick. You know what irritates them and you do it all the more to get a reaction (no, nobody does that!??!). 

One of my favourite Psalms talks of being known - being known by God. Psalm 139 talks of God who has searched me, examined me, excavated me, dug deep down into me. It talks of God who is endlessly fascinated by everything we do - God who cares enough to count the hairs on our heads, who collects our tears and understands each one. It talks of God who knows every single knot in our stomach when we are worried about something. It talks of God who knows how to undo the knots but also knows the knots we don't want to undo because we think it will hurt too much. 

This is God who to whom nobody is anonymous, to whom nobody is a write off, who loses nobody in a crowd and who knows each person by name. God understands us in a way nobody can, not even those who know us best. 

How wonderful it is that God knows me fully. 

I love Psalm 139, but when I spent time in preparation for my sermon last Sunday I stopped and I thought for a moment..... 

Is it not a bit creepy? The fact that God is there in everything. The fact that he sees everything? It's wonderful, but it's a little bit scary. It talks of God who hems us in, behind and before - which reassures but also constrains. God who besieges - surrounds us with a fortifying wall.

It sounds a bit like the over-controlling partner in a marriage who loves their partner deeply but wants to know too much. Or a bit like the parent who wants to let the child go, but can't and loves them so much they still want to be involved in every aspect of their life. It talks of a feeling of being smothered. 

Or does it? 

One of the arguments I have heard against the existence of God is one where people choose to believe that the God we worship is a dictator type God who looks down on his people, controls their movements and gives them no freedom. That argument speaks of the threat of this Psalm - of a God who controls. If we picture God like that we live in a shade of angry gloom - the idea of God becomes despicable. If we think of hemming in like being besieged in a medieval war where God is the evil besieger, then we are left in a struggling poverty where we feel threatened by him. 

But.... that's not the God of Psalm 139. This is God who knows us intimately and wants to stand in the hemmed in city with us - he doesn't know us from afar, but knows us from within. He is not an over-looker, but is a factory worker fighting in the union for a peaceful yet justice ridden outcome (I love 'The Mill' - excellent Sunday night TV!). If we feel threatened by God who hems us in, we need to question whether we are seeing God as a God of dictatorship or God as a God of love, reaching out not in control, but deep love. 

To see God as a God of love and not a dictator, creepy stalker or chaperone the best place to understand that deep love is on the cross - where instead of hemming us in a siege to control our every move, God sacrificed his only Son, Jesus Christ, so that we could be liberated - so that we might know God who builds a fortress to protect us, living in it with us, gathering our tears, cherishing our thoughts, knowing our deepest desires and knots. 

Divine knowledge is far beyond any human knowledge, and divine presence is far beyond anything we can fathom. The Psalmist beautifully describes the depths of this love. 

When we choose to accept that it is not a threat to be known by God, our life turns from one that is hemmed in by expectation where our view of God is a far off being controlling and dictating our every move to one that is stamped with the word 'free', with the word 'child of God' where there is no need to hide any more: all is accepted. You will be searched, but nothing will be found in you that hasn't already been embraced and loved. God formed us, made us who we are. He loves us, loves us just the way we are and sent his Son to die for us so that we might know him.  

On Bishops, disagreements, the Bible and me

I've watched with interest the discussions about female bishops in the Church of England this week. I've also been reading some people's comments on it. Most of my friends are supportive, celebratory or silent. 

But then... there are those voices that are none of these. Those that think women should be silent in church. Those that think women in ministry is a great big fat sin. Those that point to Eve as the temptress and say 'this is why'. I get that other people have different views. I understand where they have coming from. What I don't understand is where when I disagree with them they think I haven't thought it through. I haven't commented this time. The arguments make me tired. They question who I am and who I am called to be without talking to me about my story. They assume I am a flaky sort of Christian who doesn't believe in much really. 

The thing is, as I read the Bible. As I wrestle with the really hard stuff in the light of Christ I see God as one who values women, gifts women, puts them in places where society wouldn't put them. I see women leading churches, women who are top in business, female deacons, female apostles, female world changers. 

I know your argument but I don't get your refusal to listen. You say you are open to change but you won't engage in conversation. You just keep shouting. 

The thing is, my gender does not define what role I can take, but God does. God has made me who I am. He has given me the gifts he has given me. He has made me very capable. 

I like baking, I hate cleaning, I can't sew. I'll happily shift furniture and build flat packs. I love driving and I have good spatial awareness (apart from when it comes to door handles). I'm not at home making drinks, washing up, arranging flowers and teaching small children. I'm a leader, a preacher and as stubborn as stubborn can be. I am single. I'm likely not to get married. I'm OK with that. I am not missing anything but a bit of self discipline when it comes to savoury snacks.

What I do know in all of this is that God made me who I am. I love his word, I wrestle with it regularly. I thirst for knowing more. I want to be true to it. I want to serve God the best I possibly can. I believe I am called to lead a church. 

So please think before you speak. Your words hurt. Your words question who I am in Christ. Disagree by all means, but disagree with grace and take me seriously.

(For discussions that might be helpful, Rachel Held Evans comes from an American evangelical background. She writes a lot about gender and the Bible. Her blog can be found here http://rachelheldevans.com).