Onwards we row (bake).....

A quickish bloggish thank you for all those who have been involved in making my leaving weekend really amazing and have sent me off in great Ramsbottom style (happily without pie....). Thank you so much for all your generous gifts and beautiful words and prayers and company and all the joy...... a little overwhelmed really.

Here's a little of what I shared with Christ Church at tea and cake on Saturday..... 

As you may know, cake features quite heavily in my life. I actually don’t eat huge amounts of it, but I do like to make it. This is a very cakey church – the most memorable line from my ordination was ‘Jesus is looking after the cake’. I’m not allowed to bake that often because others get in there first…. I bake when I am stressed (when I was going through settlement I was a baking maniac), I bake because I enjoy….. I bake….

My most read post on my blog is about cake – Baptist cake – after being challenged to really go for it in my inventions for college I made cakes based around the Baptist declaration of principle – the thing that holds Baptist Union churches together – revels cakes because we are all different and you never know what you’re going to get, but we all hold Jesus as Lord, coffee drizzle because baptism full immersion new life, and sherbet fountains because we have to tell the whole world about it….. the pinnacle of my experimental cake experience….

You may know that I have been baking through the great British bake off book and I’ve just finished the bread section with some really quite dodgy doughnuts…. It’s been a challenge, because bread is not my natural instinct – I don’t even really have a great passion for bread – it serves a purpose but…..

What I tend to do when heading for the next recipe is leave the book open for a while on my work surface…. I read the recipe, I half memorise it, I think about it, and then I make space and begin. The thing about bread though is that it needs time to rise and you never know how long you might need….

The way I approach baking is a bit like the way I approach the big decisions in life. I leave a book open, share my ideas with God who shares his ideas with me and we sit on it together for a while…. And this is what I have done with thinking about whether to move on from here or not. In March last year I sat on a train, having bought the wrong train ticket, but to the right place, and pondered…. And I decided to start testing the waters to see if moving on was right. There were a number of things that happened in the months following, some of them challenging, some of them exciting…. and I spent some time exploring the challenges around and the possibility of moving on and decided to test the waters….. to actually begin the rollercoaster ride to today.

Sometimes when you bake, what you come up with is not what you expected it to be.

I entered settlement in September (otherwise known as Baptist dating agency) hoping that I might move closer to my family or stay in the north. Easy? God had other plans. Unexpected plans.

I got the list of churches and nothing really looked right, but then I was sent the profile for a church that didn’t fit any of my criteria but when I read the profile it was clearly the right place. It was like the church and me were walking to the same rhythm…… and I visited and every time I raised a concern, a question, it was answered by God with a ‘but, what if?’

In many ways the move doesn’t make sense – #doyouknowHim? is just beginning, we’re beginning to see signs of new life in church after a period of loss, my church family here is one of the best. I have great support networks, I’ve just got involved in a number of different projects in wider Baptist life…… this is home.

But God calls…. And one of the advantages I have in my calling is that I can just (just ha ha) pack up and go….. and so I must.

It was a bit like God said…. Right, let’s do this – we’ll make this a quick rise….. but it’s also been coming for a long time – God has been preparing us all for what comes next. A slow riser with a speedy explosive ending.

This will be always be the church where I began my ministry and will always have a unique place in my heart. From giggling at the name of the town to being surprised that God would ever call this Baptist by complete and utter conviction to an ecumenical context to being part of a Christ centred community that has changed so much in the last 7 and a half years. We’ve grown deeper and more confident in our faith as the spirit has breathed new life into us. This church family is a true family – in all its challenging oddities (I wouldn’t say it’s always been a smooth ride) and in its deep loving nature, and that’s one of the reasons that me leaving has been so difficult. But this has never been about me, this has always been about following the way in which Christ calls us.

Everyone here has walked with me in different ways – as part of this church family and so many of you beyond……some of you have seen me at my worst when I felt like quitting and running away – some of you have held me up without realising how strong you actually are. I’ve been allowed to run with it when it didn’t seem to make sense and you’ve embraced my creative bonkerishness with great gusto even when I smash stuff up and make people cry. As I’ve grown as a minister I have come to understand the kind of minister who God has called me to be – a community builder – a lurking with intent minister – a fire in the hearth that helps make a house a home.

Since I announced I was leaving it’s all been a bit bonkers….. and I’d love to be staying longer to just say goodbye properly and put everything into place. I’d love to be staying longer to wrap up #doyouknowHim? better – the craziest but one of the most brilliant times of my ministry life…. But I can’t. The bread is ready, and as I head off to a place I don’t really know where it is, I am assured that God, in the craziness of it all, knows exactly what He is doing.

In my first January here it was our 40^th anniversary and I was reminded of our verse for the year from that year as I sat with a small group of people last Saturday night renewing our baptismal vows conscious that each person there had been key on my journey…. So let me leave you with this:

“Your life in Christ makes you strong, and his love comforts you. You have fellowship with the Spirit, and you have kindness and compassion for one another. I urge you then to make me completely happy by having the same thoughts, sharing the same love, and being one in soul and mind. Don’t do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast, but be humble toward one another, always considering others better than yourselves. And look out for one another’s interests, not just for your own’. Phil 2:1-4

Onwards we row..... 

On walking alone......

If you know me well, you will know that I am generally content just the way I am. I don't crave after things I don't have (apart from, perhaps, shoes) and I am quite happy sitting on my own in front of Netflix watching a box set and playing angry birds..... 

I love that I can make my own decisions and can just get on with them. I love that I can just go on my day off (ahem) and not tell anyone where I am going. I love that I can get up when I want, leave a mess where I want and not have to worry about what someone else is doing next or what they are doing that they shouldn't be doing or what they are not doing that they should..... 

I love that in the Bible Paul holds up the benefits of being single - you can totally focus on what God is calling you to do - and in the last six months I've experienced just that - my call to move has been so strong, so personal, that to factor someone else in would have been really quite hard. 

There are times though, that it's tough...... 

One thing that someone said to me when I began the journey to ministry was that as a single person it would be particularly hard. I have never forgotten this... and as I face the next part of my life on my own and have to make decisions about whether to keep or give away the wine bottle with a glass on the top that has never left its box and have to remember to tell everyone from my mortgage company to my membership of the obscure ingredients in cake club and as I have to wash up because the dishwasher broke and remember to eat sensible food when the fridge is empty, it's hard. 

As I pack and am reminded of the stories of failed relationships through the memories I discover it's hard. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely better off single.... my stories of dating disasters and love lost could be enough to fill a comedy set or a a series of episodes of Friends before Ross and Rachel got together. I am happy on my own - I don't regret not having children, as I have ones who I love in my life and who love me back, but I don't have the responsibility of bringing them up in this weird world we live in. I don't crave affection (perhaps a hug (normally one armed) very occasionally, when a wall has walked its way towards me or a tractor has driven into me or when I'm facing a big change, like, say, moving... or work is hard or I have had bad news). I don't even want to go there with the bizarre world of dating.... it's a minefield more difficult to deal with than the Baptist settlement system.... 

I guess what I am trying to say in this weirdly quite personal blog is that it's hard....and also that I am thankful.... for those who bear with when I am losing my common sense for a while and tell me to eat.... for those who hold me up when I'm tripping up wherever I go.... for those who don't say to me, 'one benefit of moving is that you will have a bigger pond to fish in' (yes, it has been said).... for those who include me and welcome me as part of their family because they like me, not because they feel sorry for me (there is nothing to feel sorry about)..... for those who will laugh at my ultimate dating party piece and not look at me with sad eyes.... 

One of the problems with church is that too often we have the sad eyes when we look on someone who is single. Questions are asked; 'what do we do with all the single people in church - how can we include them?'. We assume that marriage is the ultimate destination and the singles must have something wrong with them. 

In ministry, there are added challenges; 'she can do anything, she has no responsibilities'. When you work on your day off there is no one to keep you in check.... when you are out every night there is no one to challenge, when you work in your holidays nobody tells you off.... when you need to offload there is no one to offload to. 

What we can first do is avoid the sad eyes, us becoming an issue (we are not covered in scales, we're people, with gifts and greatness like any other). If church is to be a community that is family, it needs to include everyone - the married, the single, the grandparent, the child, the weird cousin that everyone would like to avoid but knows they shouldn't.... 

And when your minister is single, just check they're OK occasionally. And when they're not, avoid those sad eyes, and walk with them - because even those who appear strong need a (normally metaphorical) hug sometimes. 

"The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mentioned and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance" 
1 Corinthians 12:25-26 The Message

God’s Comfort Blanket

At the moment we’re in the middle of 10 weeks of #doyouknowHim? and as part of that we’re out in Ramsbottom every Saturday morning blessing the community with God’s love.  #doyouknowHim? came from the church in Skipton who did a similar 10 weeks last year and continue to regularly spend time in the community blessing those they meet. 

One thing that Skipton have done that we have chosen not to do is take blankets out in the town, enfold people in them and pray over them the prayer of St Patrick’s breastplate. I’ve been struck by this - as a not-very-often-hugger I’d find it strange but I love the idea - that God’s love enfolds us like a comfort blanket. 

Right now I need some of that comfort blanket - it’s hard work with moving and everything and although I love all we are doing with #doyouknowHim? and it's really exciting, there are times that it has almost broken me (who’d co-lead on something so big whilst preparing to move?). 

Yesterday was one of those days where one last kick sent me into hiding. I was packing, reminiscing, planning, dreaming and I reflected on some news I’d had that brought up some stuff that was tricky.... 

So this morning I began again, went back to my calling, went back to God with breakfast in the garden centre. And as I did I reflected on God as comfort blanket. As I did I reflected on the Bible and God threw out Matthew 11:28 in more ways than one. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”

And so I wrote...... a kind of comfort blanket blessing for me and for all those I know who are finding it tough right now. It’s not easy at the moment with so much uncertainty and change so sometimes we just need to accept the blanket offered and rest: 

God’s Comfort Blanket 

May the arms of God surround you
With the fibres of His warmth
May His comfort blanket enfold you
As you shelter in His wings

May the strength of embrace protect you
As the fleece and wool surround you
May you feel His love, His peace
As you rest in His arms

May you gradually unravel 
As the threads ravel round you
May you begin to let it go
And feel release in his grace. 

May the arms of God surround you,
Protect you and enrobe you 
May His comfort blanket soothe you
As you shelter in His wings 

Children of the Revolution? Perhaps....

Last Friday I went to see 'On the Basis of Sex' - a film that tells the real life story of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The film begins in her first year of Harvard Law School; her husband, Martin, a second year student, falls ill with cancer and she goes to both his classes and hers whilst also looking after her young daughter. The film tells the story of how difficult it was for Ruth to be respected within the legal community and she struggles to get a job as a lawyer, going on to become a professor instead, specialising in Sex Discrimination and the Law. This is in the 60s and 70s, and the idea of sex discrimination is only just beginning to be engaged with, but not necessarily taken seriously. She went on to challenge gender discrimination in US law, taking each law one by one and campaigning for the equality of women and men in law.

I won't say much more about the film - I knew nothing about Ruth Bader Ginsburg before watching it, but the film really inspired and resonated with me, not least because of the challenges that she faced and the arguments against her becoming a 'real lawyer'. The arguments against her are ones I have heard so many times as a female minister - how would she look after her family, women are too emotional to be lawyers, women's voices don't need to be listened to.... and she wasn't taken seriously - just a professor - just a wife - a homemaker - just a woman.... not enough to be anything. Yet she kept pacing onward and had a massive impact on US law and culture. 

It's 100 years this year since the first Baptist woman entered college to be trained for ordination. It's 25 years since the first CofE women were ordained as priests. Last year was 100 years since women got the vote..... yet still we have to put up with challenges to our very identity in private, in public, in so many ways. Priests who happen to be women have campaigned on twitter recently with the hashtag #justapriest standing up for the day when they wouldn't be called women priests by default, or lady vicar, or....lady minister, lady pastor.... The Baptists Together Women in Ministry celebratory edition has been censored in our churches because the voices of women who we disagree with are better shut down before anyone thinks about what they are saying too deeply. The arguments against Ruth Bader Ginsburg becoming a 'proper lawyer' are still arguments used today. And they're wrong.

I sat down to begin to write my sermon - week 5 of #doyouknowHim? Jesus: Revolutionary and I began to think about the film I watched last Friday, T-Rex  and what I have experienced in my first 7 and a half years of ministry, and I chewed a little on what Jesus would do.....

And I thought about the stories of women who encountered Jesus. And I thought about my exciting new book 'The Infographic Bible' which has two pages dedicated to women of influence in the Bible and how radical it is for a mainstream Christian book to have so many pages particularly focused on women (I recently attended a conference with a ridiculously male dominated bookstall reflecting the attendees of the conference itself I guess) and how that shouldn't be radical. And I thought.... if we are really following Jesus the revolutionary - why do we so often leave aside his treatment of women? His treatment of women was revolutionary. Valued as people, affirmed as leaders and as learners, identified as friends, sent out to testify, first to encounter him resurrected.... and so much more. 

#doyouknowHim? is a massive question, and one important part of that question is answered in looking at the way he treated those who were different to him - and the way he treated women in particular - and I believe that if we really knew him, and we really knew how he treated women and how revolutionary that was, we wouldn't still have people in our churches who seek to undermine and challenge and shout out simply on the basis of sex. 

Give yourself a break

The way I am working at the moment goes against all my instincts. It's like circuit training - going from one task to the other, only pausing as the whistle blows to down tools and move onto the next. Some seasons are like that. Some seasons leave no space for breath, no space for dreaming. 

It's a season of change - of massive change in my own life as I deal with moving 252 miles south east and of trying to stay upright as those I lead now explore what that change means for them. It's a season of excitement and joy as I co-lead on #doyouknowHim? which is one of the most joyous and challenging things I've ever been involved in. It's a season of challenge as I have been facing some of the things that nearly broke me early on in my ministry and learn to walk on with grace and generosity. It's a season that involves a lot of goodbyes and it's well hard at times.  

Thankfully that season, I hope, is just beginning to open up a bit and provide me with space to draw breath, but as I sit here this afternoon and begin to write my sermon for tomorrow (too last minute for me to even contemplate) about Jesus taking time out in the wilderness at the beginning of his ministry I was challenged to pause and question this way of working that goes against my instincts and how I might deal with it better. 

At college I was taught to think of ministry and life as a sink that was sometimes full of water, but was emptied out by those things that pull the plug, but that after the plug is pulled, that you need to put it back in and fill the sink again with what is good and what is fulfilling, ready for when the plug puller returns. After I had gone through a challenging season (affectionately known as the 'summer from hell') a while ago, I developed ways of dealing with when that plug is pulled to fill up, bit by bit to take me to a better place. 

However, the sink that desperately needed filling up nearly broke it was so dry on Thursday afternoon.... and I was reminded that working myself into the ground does not make for the better side of me. 

So what do I do about it? Well two simple things to start......

In the next few weeks I am going to celebrate the joy with gusto - I will post on facebook (probably too much - but block me if you'd like), I will fulfil my 'leaving the enclave' bucket list to the best of my ability and declare each little win from the roof tops. 

I have turned the e-mail off on my phone and, while my addiction is making it hard to wean off, there will come a time when I will stop checking and stop answering straight away.... and what a joy that will be to those around me who get frustrated by e-mail efficiency and for me when I won't need to know everything in the world straight away. I may, just may, also just turn off my phone to find rest.....(perhaps a bit too radical). 

It is sad that so many of us have a habit of working ourselves into the ground before we stop and see, and my call, perhaps for lent, perhaps forever, is to not get to that point again, and to fill up more than leak out.... and it will make for a better me. 

The circuit training has to stop at some point, and while the achievement is great, when physical exercise tires you out, your body knows to rest.... and rest you must. 

"How do you do it said night
How do you wake up and shine?
I take it easy said light, 
One day at a time....."           Lemn Sissay 

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" - Jesus (Matt 11:28)

Now to get on and write that sermon.....

What Next?

One of the joys(!) of waking up to Radio 4 in the morning is that I get to hear the news and I get to hear the Today programme try and unpick the news. This morning I woke up knowing what I would wake up to, and in an unusual turn of events I woke up when my alarm actually went off to the Today programme presenters asking again and again the big question that is on all of our lips:

'What Next?'

There have been timelines and flow charts and predictions and ideas. There have been opinions and dreams and wishlists and hopes. No deal, this deal, refined deal, people's vote, vote of no confidence, second referendum, general election, anarchy?

Nobody really knows right now - we're living in the moment - as we look ahead many of us don't see much at all.... and we hope that somewhere there is a plan. What will be, will be. 

What do we do with all this? What do we do with all this uncertainty? How do we keep on keeping on? 

We can choose to be very vocal about how we feel - like the gathering outside of parliament with its loud bells and whistles from both sides of the debate who rose in number yesterday and will rise in number today I'm sure as the momentum towards the no confidence vote tonight continues. It's OK to be vocal - it's good to be vocal - it's good to be passionate about how we feel. Protest is a legitimate release of emotion and anger and depth of feeling. We wonder what difference it will make.... but it matters because our voices matter. I will continue to sing songs of protest.....

But we've seen recently and over the course of history that protest can turn bad.... so we must think before we speak, we must be gracious with one another and listen to one another. We must be gentle with one another, as, even though undoubtedly, our voices matter, the way we treat and respect others matters too. Be nice in your protest. 

We can choose to hide our head in the sand. We can decide that nothing we do can make any difference. We put our fingers in our ears as we sing a loud song, laying down to the inevitable because it's going to happen anyway....

Now that's an easy, and in many ways legitimate reaction - 'keep calm and carry on'. It is not going to affect us much anyway..... we'll keep doing what we've always been doing and hope we can go on holiday to anywhere we want. 

However, there are many people that can't do this because what happens with Brexit affects their very well-being. While well off politicians advocate for the uncertainty of a no-deal that won't affect them and their life styles that much, there are ordinary people who are already feeling the effects of the changes that are coming and will feel them much more deeply in the coming months. 

So I don't believe doing nothing is ever the answer... while we are not all loud protesters who express their feelings through marches and speeches and blogs and articles, we all have a responsibility to understand the bigger picture as the government makes some of the biggest decisions that our government has made in a long time. 

We have a responsibility to look beyond the headlines of political infighting to the deeper issues beyond. Yesterday as you avoided the news because you were sick of Brexit you may have missed that there were some benefit rules changes were sneaked through on Monday night that will affect pensioners - particularly those who are at the lower income end are coming into force on the 15th May (read it here). How can we help those who are being left in poverty because there is not the money to ensure that they can live with enough for food, heating and rent? Perhaps our active response to the chaos in our country is to help those who are being left behind - whether it's those with little who are going to end up with less, whether it's those who had nothing already who are going to find themselves with less than nothing as their support is taken away, whether its those who have nowhere to go and nobody looking out for them..... as we walk into uncertainty, it is those who will suffer. 

We have a responsibility to be people of bridges not walls, who build relationships across divides; across cultural and social and political divides. Imagine if the government had worked in a cross party way on the Brexit negotiations instead of snapping at one another all the time? We might have come to a different outcome.... it would have been hard work with all the personalities involved.... but imagine if....? 

We need to model this alternative way of being in our own relationships - how can we re-build our broken bridges? How can we sit alongside an ardent no-deal brexiteer as an ardent snowflake remainer and listen with compassion and understanding? How can we sit down with that family member who just messes up everything for us all the time and build a relationship? How can we love unconditionally and despite....... How can we be more like Jesus?

We need to care for those who who are seen as 'the other' in our communities - who are, in many cases, worried about their own future and safety. The whole Brexit rhetoric has given rise to racism and intolerance and hostility.... how can we actively seek to make this country a safe place for all? To be out of Europe does not mean forming a toxic nationalistic identity without compassion and love for those who are different to us... how can we challenge those who want to create that?.... How can we be more like Jesus?

What Next?

To be honest, I really have no idea about the big Brexit picture, I have some ideas about what I think is right.... and I'm hoping that something good will come out of this.... but I'll be watching, in moderation as it can become overwhelming... and I'll be thinking about how I act as a consequence....

While the majority of us do not have a voice that is in the right places to make a massive difference to the Brexit negotiations.... our voices.... and ultimately... our actions.... they matter. What Next? Look beyond the headlines and care for those who don't make the headlines. Look beyond the headlines and look for those who are being left behind.... and be people, amongst all of this, of love, of justice and of mercy. Be more like Jesus.

And hold on. It's going to be a rocky ride. 

"And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" - Micah 6:8

New Year.... New Roller coaster

This year I haven't been able to get Ronan Keating out of my head. I've never really liked Ronan Keating, but he reflects on how life, particularly for him his love life, is a bit like a roller coaster.

Well, 2018 has proved that to be true (not the love bit - after some challenging roller coaster experiences I leave that one well alone....). During the summer in 2017 I bought a diary that was not my usual black moleskine diary and it challenged me to face the year with great gusto.... 

It all began reasonably gently with a not quiet, but not too far out of the norm January.

Then February came and I got shoved from behind by a tractor into a hedge which left me in fear of any tractor that comes towards me or behind me or even close and left a groove in the road just down from my friend's house as a semi-permanent reminder of my first narrow escape of 2018. 

March followed and as I rushed to do last minute shopping for the Easter service, the wall of B&M bargains began to move beside me, and as I saw through the wall to the car pinning a woman against the breeze blocks (thankfully, as news reported, she was OK), and as I sat shaking in my car for fifteen minutes afterwards, I thanked God for my second narrow escape of the year and introduced the new liturgical fear induced concept of a holy hug to our renewal of baptismal vows service. The new cement between the bricks by the fire exit of B&M is a permanent reminder of what could have been as I rush to avoid the bargain food area in case it happens again..... 

It's been a year of reviews, endings and beginnings.... and the second half of 2018 has been full of it. I finished my meetings in York with the best newly accredited minister (NAM) mentor ever and bought a hanging bird decoration that confuses everyone who enters my living room with its propensity to get in the way of conversations because I haven't worked out where its permanent home is yet. I finished my dissertation on food and faith, with a mark I am unbelievably proud of, leading to an MA (with merit) in contextual theology - my third graduation - my least uneventful one - accompanied by a knitted Mary and Joseph who admired the hats as a helpful resting place to listen to the speeches and all the names. I finished my NAMs period and have been recommended by a surprising choice of font to get a certificate and a handshake (and I hope not too many hugs - I'd prefer a box if possible...). 

I've baked. A lot. 

I've faced some of my biggest challenges in ministry - both devastating and exciting.... walked with people, cared for people, had sleepless nights trying to work out the logistics of things I've never encountered before.... we've reviewed as a church who we are, where we might be going and how that all fits in with the bigger picture of where God is calling the church in Ramsbottom..... 

And through it all I've been exploring my future. 

And it turns out God is calling me to ride another roller coaster - to get off the northern mill town one and ride a different type of roller coaster - an on the edges of the big city roller coaster... a southern roller coaster....and discovering that has been a roller coaster in itself..... 

I'm moving after Easter from Ramsbottom (last Sunday is 28th April) - a church family who love deeply and have helped form me into the minister I am today - a place that has been home for over seven years - to New Addington Baptist Church in south east London - where the call from God has been so clear it has been quite overwhelming, and settlement (the mis-named Baptist moving on process that is anything but settling) has been like those steep bits of the roller coaster where you've been climbing towards it for a while but then you commit and it just goes...... with great speed mixed with joy and fear and a destination that feels completely and utterly right and is a relief when you get there (and breathe...). 

So as I face 2019, amongst the chaos of our country (don't even get me started on that), I'm leaving behind a year that was shoved in by tractor and is been ridden out with an eye on what it means to finish well, what it means to begin something new and what it means to be called south of Watford Gap (the service station with the worst car park in the British service station world). 

I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm sad to be leaving..... but as I stopped laying out my fleeces at the beginning of December as the church called me to go, I am confident in the knowledge that trusting in God is a good - an excellent thing to do - whatever the challenges ahead might add to the journey ahead for any of us.... 

Happy new year! May 2019 bring new adventures.... (maybe without the tractors and the walls).

"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy" 
Isaiah 35:1-2a