The tension of the in-between

Some of the people I know are out protesting today..... and I want to be with them..... but instead I'm at home preparing for our service tomorrow about the Beatitudes, which in many ways are exactly what those who are protesting are protesting for - a way of living and moving forward in our chaotic political world that recognises that those who are most broken are those who need lifting up rather than a way of living that, in an effort to put an end to the Brexit chaos, leaves those who are most broken even more uncertain of what the future will look like. 

I stand with the protesters in mind even if I'm not there in body. I want to feel like I'm doing something. I want to feel like I can be one small cog in the machine that helps this country move forward in a better way - a different way - the way that lifts up the poor and the mourning, the peacemakers and the persecuted...... but I feel helpless right now. 

I worry about what will happen as a result of a no deal Brexit. I worry that the community I live in will feel the effects so hard it will be bigger than a punch in the guts. I worry that we have spent so much time laughing at what we thought was a bumbling buffoon from Eton that we have missed the intelligence of our new Prime Minister carving this path we are hurtling down at the moment. I worry for those I encounter every week who are broken and don't have much right now, for whom the uncertainty of the consequences of a no deal Brexit is another thing that has to be faced in a world that hasn't been very helpful so far.... 

How can we stand up for justice as we head down this path? How can we be more than that feeling of helplessness and despair that rises up every time we watch the news? 

The Northumbria Community Meditation of the day for today could not have come at more of a right time. William Brodrick, monk-author writes that (click on link for whole quote):

We have to be candles,

burning between,

hope and despair,

faith and doubt,

life and death,

all the opposites....

I'm not sure I'm going to ever completely understand how we have got to the place we are today. I'm not going to know what the consequences are until the things actually happen. I want to be shouting with the protesters, making my discontented voice heard. 

What I do know, is that I need to live in the tension that leaves space for lament and presents hope that this is not it. I believe that whatever happens in the coming weeks and months, there is and will be a way out - through changed behaviour, through sacrificial love, through continually drumming in protest against what almost seems inevitable, through laying down what we have so that others can have more, through prayer and lament and most of all through the deep deep love of Jesus who shows and tells us that there is more than this, different to this, a new way that brings hope where there is despair, faith where there is doubt and life where there is death.... and if, as we live in the tension between, we can show even just a little bit of that love - if we can begin to live in the way that Jesus sets out in the Sermon on the Mount, if we can continue to be encouraged to stand up and say this is not right .... we might, just might begin to turn the way it's all heading upside down. 

I cannot tell how silently he suffered
As with His peace He graced the place of tears,
Or how his heart upon the Cross was broken,
The crown of pain to three and thirty years. 
But this I know, He heals the broken hearted,
And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
For yet the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is here. 

(v2 from the hymn 'I Cannot Tell')

The past, the now and the next

“The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it” - Rafiki to Simba in the Lion King

Lion King wisdom. Today I’ve been going back through some old services on my computer because I think I might have something that will be useful for our service on Sunday. Unfortunately what I thought I had I haven’t got despite the framework all being there for having it. 

I did, however, come across a clip from the Lion King when Simba is all grown up and is considering the fact that he needs to go back and claim his rightful place as King. However, he doesn’t want to go back because of the bad memories - he had originally run away because he believed he was responsible for the death of his Father. 

Rafiki, as always, has wise advice. The past hurts, we can run from it or learn from it. 

As I was searching for the thing I couldn’t find, the windows search function reminded me of some journalling I had done at particular times when I wasn’t that happy with how things were going. As I read some bits it reminded me of those moments, but also reminded me of how those moments were part of the journey to where I am now. Through those moments I learned, I became more self aware and in the afterwards I looked at how I might deal with the same things better. Those moments made me realise stuff I hadn’t noticed and opened doors I hadn’t expected. 

I’ve never been a believer in the phrase ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ because sometimes what doesn’t kill you breaks you..... however, I do think that what doesn’t kill you changes you and as it does you have a choice whether to hide from the past that tells the story of your now and run.... or face the past that tells the story of your now and learn - walk with the hurt and not hide it in a cupboard. Hiding the past isn't letting go of it.... forgetting the former things isn't just ignoring them - it's getting to a place where they don't fester and rise up again to stop you in your tracks at the times you least expect. 

We all have things - some of us bigger than others - that we find hard to face - but imagine if, like Simba did in the end - we face it head on and deal with the hurt. Imagine the relationships that could be made better, imagine the vastness of opportunities that might unfold...... imagine, just for a moment, that the scars of the past didn’t open up and weep but were a reminder that it happened, that it hurt, but also that the future has potential to hold better as you approach it with the stories that brought you to now, not defining the hurting you, but teaching the learning you. 

We seize control as we choose to learn through the hurt, and one day, hopefully one day, it will stop biting so hard. 

 “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” Romans 8:26-28 

On Weeding (and leadership)

My new house is beautiful - I love it - I'm really pleased with how it looks and just under three months of living in it, it's home. I feel settled and I look round and can't believe how privileged and happy I am to call it home. 

My garden, however, is another story. I have more flowers in it than my old garden (which managed to grow St John's Wort like it was going out of fashion but not much else) but also more weeds..... monster weeds too. 

I am no gardener, but I do understand the importance of making sure that weeds are removed - I'm on it - slowly but surely - I'm on it. The other week I weeded out a whole bed and I was going to plant some things in it, but instead of buying plants last week I went to Eastbourne to see the sea and get attacked by gulls (because....). The other evening I walked into my garden and decided to start on the monster weeds on the other side. I filled an ikea bag and looked at the previously weeded bed and realised that needed a re-weed before the weeds became monster again. 

Weed..... 

Although I am no gardener, I often reflect on how leading a church is a bit like being a gardener - and as I got frustrated at all the weeding I inevitably turned to thinking about church leadership. Before I moved I kept meeting church leaders who told me that the first few months are crucial because that's when you can go in and change everything - tell them you're not having it that way. 

Rip the weeds out fast - then turn round and take the monster weeds out of the other side of the garden..... 

Except that's not how I am called to lead - because if you concentrate on simply ripping out you don't deal with the roots underneath and the weeds just grow back. Change doesn't happen by ripping the old out, change happens by gently nurturing and cultivating the community in the way of Christ (remember Slow Church? If you've never come across it have a look here....)

In the bed I cleared first, although the weeds are beginning to show through again, they're much smaller, and when it cools down a bit I will revisit and then get on and plant some stuff..... but I do know within those weeds, underneath the soil and growing above it are plants to be nurtured and rediscovered - things of beauty that are ready to flourish..... bulbs waiting to come to life and grow again when their season begins, a plant that has stood strong although it has been surrounded by dock leaves and grass and there has been an attempt to choke it with bind weed and a massive excitable Buddliea that attracts all sorts of beautiful butterflies and grows with crazy abundance and will eventually need a bit of pruning. 

And as I journey on in this adventure, looking for what is growing already, for the potential in what has already been planted and for new opportunities to grow something new, as I continue to work on those weeds that will inevitably come back, but weaker and with less space to grow, and nurture the plants that are growing already, I wait with anticipation at what the seasons will bring and to the time that bed becomes beautiful in a new and unique way.

Staying Loud

This week in 1969, the first person set foot on the moon. You can't miss it in the news at the moment - it's on all the time - a celebration of the moment 50 years ago when Neil Armstrong said his famous words. It was a moment that brought the whole world together - a moment when millions and millions of people united sat around TV screens and radios waiting for a significant bit of history to unroll before their eyes. The astronauts left a plaque on the moon that said 'we came in peace for all mankind' and President Nixon said that in this moment '.....all the people on this Earth are truly one'.

This week in 1969, for a moment, the world was united. An amazing moment where people who wouldn't ever meet face to face and would probably cross the street before speaking to united together around the same thing, with the same awe and amazement. 

Yet this moment only happened because of conflict - because the US believed that if the Soviet Union got their first then they had lost somehow. They made a commitment to getting to the moon first because the Soviets had beaten them at everything else when it came to the space race. 

Yet this moment happened only a year after Martin Luther King was assassinated because his fight for civil rights for all was so distasteful to those traditionally in power in the US he had to be wiped out. This moment was only a moment and didn't - doesn't - mean that the world was then united. 

Because in 2019 we watch as the US President stands in silence as a rally chants 'send her back' to a Somalian born American citizen who says stuff they don't like.

Because in 2019 we hear news of how their are people living in effectively concentration camps on the southern US border and being treated like not-humans. 

Because in 2019 we face the prospect of having a prime minister be announced in the next week who thinks its OK to tell jokes about people's choice of religious dress and to mock where people come from in a way that speaks of prejudices that should have died out a long time ago (and are scarily similar to the rhetoric that led to the chanting in the US).

Because in 2019 we watch programmes like 'Years and Years' and 'The Handmaids Tale' and worry how close they are to the truth. 

I have been challenged in the last few weeks that where we see wrong - those things that divide and don't unite that we need to call it out. I have been challenged that we need to not stand by and let it happen as hostile and divisive policies and ideas begin to presented as normal and OK. I don't want to be complicit in the chanting of 'send her back'. I don't want to be complicit in the hostile environment that shuts the door in the faces of people who are desperately seeking help, that sends people to a home that hasn't been a home for many years because of a lost piece of paperwork.... I don't want to be complicit in all of this....

In 1969 the first meal that was shared on the moon was communion. Buzz Aldrin unpacked bread and wine and together the crew committed the mission to God, recognising that in this meal that unites, in this meal where all invited, that there in it was a centre that they must not lose. The language of bread and wine transcends cultural barriers and different languages and identities. In that moment where we centre on the story of Jesus, we are united in his love which reaches the whole world........ And its because of Jesus that we must call our leaders to account and I will not ever, I hope, choose to be silent. 

Love from the centre of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fuelled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody.

Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

Romans 12:9-21 (The Message)

Juice, Jesus, Sheep

I am beginning to get to know the children at church and they are beginning to get to know me - so much so that one said to me the other day 'why are you not standing at the front singing? It's silly when you sing!'. It's good to know that the children who are part of church are now seeing me as a permanent fixture and are beginning to talk to me a little bit more. You can have the best conversations with children about faith and often they can be poignant and deeply meaningful. 

Like the time I was asked how Jesus was hung on the cross and wouldn't that be really difficult and really painful? 

Like the time I was told off for not praying before a meal because we have to give thanks for our food. 

Like the time I asked the church to write down what church is about and one child, in discussion with her mum, came up with three words....

Juice, Jesus, Sheep. 

So simple, but so poignant. 

For some reason I remembered that moment yesterday and I reflected on the wisdom of the 3 year old that shared it and summed up many people's journeys with church in a nutshell. 

Juice: The welcome we receive in church is so important - I'm so passionate about the quality of the food and drink we serve - what does the quality of our hospitality say about the welcome we offer? Is it like the church I went to visit once that only put the good biscuits on the table for the regulars and it was a search to even find the way in it was so poorly signposted..... or do we welcome all with a greeting at the door, an invite to participate with an abundance of food for all, the best biscuits and enough coffee to fill even the Gilmore Girls coffee need? The quality of our welcome is so important because it says something about the welcome that Jesus gives to all. 

Jesus: Well, of course church is about Jesus - Jesus who is the answer to all - our centre, our cornerstone, our shepherd, our guide, our saviour, our redeemer, our restorer. Church without Jesus is just another community group. Church has a huge role in pointing people to Jesus - this is who he is - do you know him? If you don't, then get to know him... it can only be a good thing. 

Sheep: The sheep follow the shepherd. A church is made up of disciples - people on a journey to and with Christ. Sheep depend on the shepherd for guidance and for direction. Sheep hear the shepherd's voice, recognise it and follow the shepherd's call. Disciples seek to grow in faith, seek to share their faith and encourage others on their faith journey. Disciples keep on the road with Christ. 

Church in three words, summed up by a three year old. 

Perfect. 

If church is like a family we need to listen to the voices of all the generations - the old ones, the young ones, the tiny ones, the ones in between.... the articulate ones, the ones who find it difficult to put a sentence together, the silent ones, the ones who will never shut up..... their voices..... they matter. 

Juice, Jesus, Sheep. 

Searching for Perfect Rainbows

Recently a friend introduced me to the game 'Little Alchemy 2' - a game where you mix items together and create the world from scratch. It's ridiculously addictive and stupidly frustrating as you try out every combination possible to try and create the new things that are needed to make the old things disappear.... 

I was pleased to note that early on rainbows appeared.... I love rainbows - one of my favourite things that often appear at the right moment reminding me that I am on the right track and God is with me and things will be OK. Seeing a rainbow, for me, is a reassuring thing that keeps me going when things are uncertain or difficult or challenging decisions have to be made. 

The rainbow in Little Alchemy 2 is perfect - perfectly symmetrical with equal colour strips all in the right order - a beautiful, colourful arch. 

Because Little Alchemy 2 is so addictive, when I was first playing it I ended up playing late at night, and as we all know, late night games infiltrate our dreams.... and I woke up one morning having dreamt that I had been looking for the perfect rainbow - one sitting at the bottom of a Billy Elliot type terraced street, ready to dance into and see the future unfold (yes dreams are weird)..... but I didn't find it. I searched and searched and woke up disappointed. 

Often when I dream weird I reflect on what it might mean - perhaps that I shouldn't play Little Alchemy 2 late at night - or play it at all...... but perhaps the struggle to find a perfect rainbow says something about the reality we are living in (bear with me....).... 

Our struggle for perfection - for the perfect symmetrical rainbow arch - is distracting (not just because dreaming of them makes me procrastinate) - and we miss the beauty in the non-perfect, in the arcs of rainbow (like the one I saw as I walked out of a friend's house just after she had had some bad news), in the rainbows we see in the oil spilt in a puddle, in the rainbow clouds and the momentary glimpse as the sun shining to make the rainbow is hidden by the dark storm clouds. 

There is so much potential for beauty in the imperfect, in the non-symmetrical, in the tiny moments of light - in our search for perfection, we need to not miss the perfectly imperfect. 

In our tendency to seek out the best, we often try to conform what we think we should be.... but in doing that we might miss the place to which we are called to be - which might be more broken than we realise, less symmetrical than we expected, and take us beyond and out of comfort zones much further than we realised..... 

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit in without even thinking, instead fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" - Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)

Father's Day

Our family don't do Father's day - never have done, and the one time I gave my Dad something he looked so perplexed I've not done it again. It's just not something we do as a family. My Dad does know, however, that he is my favourite Dad and that I love him and appreciate him hugely - it's not just a one day thing.

I'm aware though, that many people do do Father's Day - it's a day that we celebrate the men in our lives - the ones who have brought us up or been a source of inspiration and wisdom to us or have been there through hard stuff or been there through difficult times. It's a day when we just pause for a moment and are thankful for those who care for us and who (on the whole) are happy to see us when we turn up to say hello. 

I'm also aware that it is a day that is hard for some. It's hard for those who have never had a good father-figure in their lives - whether their real Dad or someone else - for those who have never had the fatherly love and care that some of us have experienced - who don't have someone who they can phone up and give Dad wisdom (whatever that is..!) when it's needed..... it's hard because whilst everyone else is giving thanks, hurt and pain rises to the surface and it bites. 

I'm also very much aware of the pain of not being able to be a Father when you desperately have wanted to - and as every other man who we know looks down to the hand lifting up the card towards them, the ache of emptiness and loss feels more desolate than usual. The pain of men in childlessness is not always acknowledged or recognised as much as for women.... but we need to remember it's there.... and it hurts - and for those that are hurting this weekend in particular, know that you are not forgotten.

As we celebrate Father's Day (or not) with the increasingly frustrating alpha-male Father stereotypes of breakfasts with MEAT, chocolate bars for men, quad bikes, shooting and man make fire, we need to pause for a moment.... firstly because being a good father is about none of those things just as being a man is not about aiming having to enjoy those things, and secondly because for some people the day is really hard..... and as we pause, we look up....

Because amongst the celebrations, and cards and man-food, there is the best Father ever, waiting with arms open wide to welcome us - to sit with us in our pain, to walk with us as we deal with our history, to be proud of us and welcome us as part of his family.... God the Father - he's better than any earthly Dad, loves us more than anyone and accepts us completely for who we are..... And he gets us. Completely. 

A Father's Day Prayer

Our Loving and Heavenly Father
We thank you for our Dads:
the real ones, the adopted ones, 
the found ones, the lost ones; 

We thank you for the men in our lives, 
Those who share deep love freely
Those who would do anything for anyone
Those who will never let us down.

We lift to you those who have never had a Dad;
Those who have been hurt by their Dads
Those who have had been let down by their Dads
And we ask that you embrace them and show them your love

We lift to you those who have never been a Dad,
Who are hurting because of loss and emptiness
We ask that you would comfort them in their hurt
And bring light where at times there is only darkness.

Our loving and Heavenly Father
We thank you that you are our Dad
We thank you for your love
And we run, head long, into your arms.

Amen