There's stuff in the baptistry

How can you baptise if your baptistry is not full of water? 

A tongue in cheek comment at a conference I went to this week, but it reminded me of a blog I wrote a little while ago but didn't end up doing anything with. 

On a Saturday morning, a little while ago, for the second time in a couple of months I cleared out the baptistry at church so we could have a 'dry run'. To be fair, it was my fault the baptistry was full of stuff because I'd put someones stuff in there for safe keeping whilst it was waiting for it to be sorted out. It's now in in my loft and in the cupboard in my spare room. 

To get to the baptistry I had to move bags of glue and shortbread, a set of drums and some tambourines and a selection of things that look kind of like microphone stands but could be something else entirely. 

So much stuff in the way. 

Whilst the stuff in the baptistry wouldn't stop people getting baptised - it could be moved - perhaps it might be symbolic of something bigger. 

We all long for restoration - for transformation - as we look at the world around us - as we look at our own lives - we long for things to be better and we hope that one day they will be. The whole act of believers' baptism is about that - it is a symbol of the transformation we receive in Jesus - moving from old to new, the putting on of new clothes - through death to new life - restoration. 

The empty baptistry just needs to be filled with water (and hopefully warmed up) - and it will be in a weeks time - but a baptistry full of stuff needs more work. 

When we want to see change we're stopped in our tracks because the stuff we treasure builds up and in our wisdom we leave it there and use it as a convenient excuse to not work towards the transformation we're called to. 

A blanket statement stops the baptistry being filled - 'there's stuff in the baptistry' is a poor excuse for not filling it with water. Blanket statements stop transformation  - 'nothing is going to change so why bother?' 

If I don't remove the rubbish, I don't need to get wet
If I don't clear my table, I can't invite people round
If I don't fill in the form, I won't have to deal with result
If I just don't turn up it's not my problem anymore. 

If we want to see this world change we've got to stop treasuring all the stuff that stops the change. I watched the Two Popes on Netflix last night and one phrase that struck me was 'nobody's problem becomes everybody's problem'. 

That's it isn't it? We don't clear the stuff out of the baptistry just so we can stand in there when we feel like it. We clean the stuff out of the baptistry to open that door for others..... because you never know, by doing so, you might begin a sequence of events that does change things for the better after all.

What is the rubbish, the treasure, the barrier you're refusing to remove? 

Stop making excuses, because when you start stepping forward, those things that stop us, they will disappear, and it will come..... 

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track" Proverbs 3:5-6

In music and song

I like to make music. I like listening to music. Music - it’s good for the soul. I’m meant to be going to a choir tonight but I’ve taken their non response to my Facebook message as a sign (or some sort of excuse that leads to the conclusion) that tonight is not the night. I’m a little bit peopled out and an evening in alone is more attractive than having to be sociable with strangers even though singing is involved. 

Music is good for me. It lifts me and grounds me. It puts into notes and words the feelings I find difficult to express because I’m not the kind of person who actually finds it easy to tell people what I’m thinking and feeling. The abilities of others to string together a series of sounds that stops me in my tracks never fails to amaze. 

I have different music I listen to for different moods - I wake up to worship music to remind me that God is with me as I begin the day. I listen to 90s alternative as I cook and clean because I know the words. My anger is accompanied by shouty Limp Bizkit and the like. My flat mood is currently joined by the deep sounds of Leonard Cohen and my foot tapping by Jack Johnson. Sam Phillips brings to mind the familiarity of Gilmore Girls when I need to know all is safe and Lauren Daigle reminds me I matter and I’m going to be OK. When I need to feel deep peace I listen to The Sixteen or Arvo Part who remind me that heaven can be a place on earth just for a moment as I feel the presence of God in the music - a thin place where heaven meets earth. And there are moments where the only song that will do is Tavener’s Song of the Angel  which sends shivers down my spine as I close my eyes and in the darkness I hear that moment when everything changed.....

Music gets me through. I have a friend who sends me songs that have spoken to me at the most difficult of times. She picks lyrics that send messages straight to the heart and hold me when it’s tough. And when I’m sad or insecure or unsure of what I am, I remember the song of God that spurs me on. 

I was reminded again today of the words of Zephaniah 3:17 where times that are better are promised. 

‘The Lord your God is with you, 
the Mighty warrior who saves. 
He will take great delight in you;
In his love he will no longer rebuke you, 
but he will rejoice over you with singing’ 

I love this - I love that God sings a song over me because he loves me. Today it might be a song of rest, tomorrow it may be something different. Some days God knows I just need to know I’m loved, some days I need to understand he’s got my back. He sings over me and he rejoices because he loves me. 

What song is he singing right now? I’m not sure, but have a listen..... because the songs that bring us closer to our God who sings over us - they’re there - waiting and ready to be heard. 

Eve and all Women

It was Eve wasn’t it, who ate the apple (well actually fruit) from the tree and is to blame for all the brokenness in the world today?

One woman, one mistake, watch out for women - they’ll lead you astray. 

It’s Eve’s fault. 

It was Maggie wasn’t it, who closed the pits, who divided our country, who left communities with nothing and is surely to blame for many of our issues today? 

One woman, give her power, look what happens when women get into leadership positions. Never again. 

It’s Eve’s fault. 

It was Wallis wasn’t it, who caught the eye of the King, and lured him away with promises of a better life and left the country bereft?

One woman, one temptress, watch out for her looks - she’ll take away the world you were called to. 

It’s Eve’s fault. 

It was Meghan wasn’t it, who married  a prince and turned him against his family - brother against brother in an attempt to bring down the institution?

One woman, standing up for a different way for her family - watch out for the foreign woman - she’ll lead you astray. 

It’s Eve’s fault. 

It was Amy wasn’t it, who one night got dressed up to go out with friends, and woke up in the morning in a strange bed, sore and broken and ashamed? 

One woman, asking for it - she deserves what she gets. 

It’s Eve’s fault. 

It was Melody wasn’t it, who we took a risk in calling and messed up the church with a wild ways and off the wall ideas, leaving us broken and bereft?

One woman, I told you so - women preachers are no more. 

It’s Eve’s fault. 

It’s Eve’s fault - in her eyes we see all women, in her actions we see evil, in her punishment we see a call to never allow it again....

So woman - sit down - take the punishment your ancestor brought upon you, for you haven’t learned your place yet. 

And it’s Eve’s fault. 

But Jesus says to the Samaritan woman bring me a drink and she discovers new life

But Jesus says to the woman bleeding - go your faith has made you well

But Jesus writes in the sand as the woman stands in fear.....

Stop blaming Eve. Stop blaming Eve. 

Life is not a Google Map

I love a google map when I’m going on a journey. I lean on google map wisdom rather heavily and when (as it always does in Milton Keynes) the signal fails I feel bereft and slightly panicky. 

The thing about google maps is that it is better than reading an actual map because.....

- it really doesn’t take a lot of effort
- it will guide you without you having to develop a system of post it notes/very large passenger seat instructions/memory techniques etc to get you to your destination 
- and best of all it helps you to avoid obstacles/traffic jams/closed roads/crashes to get to your destination on time and will even reroute you if something unexpected turns up. 

I was sitting talking to a friend yesterday about life and how we deal with those times when something floors us because the getting knocked down and getting up again is really hard sometimes (despite how easy chumbawumba makes it seem). We reflected on how life is not like google maps. It takes effort, navigation isn’t always straight forward and that obstacles inevitably get in our way - often smacking us right in the face. 

Wouldn’t it be good if we could sail in through the google map way? The promises that many of us were made when we were growing up were that if we choose the right route it’ll be ok.... 

As we head into a new year with expectations perhaps, or a skeleton map -  as we long for a bit of simplicity and an obvious bit of direction - as the google map dream is only that and will never be anything more..... there is much more, we reflected, that we can rely on. 

Where we are worried that we are in and perhaps the cause of the mess of it all there are those around us who know us who can tell us what the true story is - listen to them - they may have something to say that will be better than the lost post it note. 

Where everything appears to have come to a halt or crashed due to no fault of our own - where we are limping or injured or simply at a loss, sometimes digging out takes time - it’s ok to pause for a while to deal with the debris around and sometimes the clear up takes longer than we might imagine. Sit still for a while and find the right people to sit by you and gradually work through all the stuff. 

When the way ahead is uncertain, take it one signpost at a time. Each wrong move, wrong turn, is a learning experience and retreating  to where you were before is not always a bad thing because a new route will present new opportunities.

And learn to trust - trust your own instincts - you may get lost for a while but you’ll find your way back..... trust those who know you - they may have seen exactly what you’ve missed..... and mostly - trust God - he knows better than all of us the way out of the stuff - and it might be the exact route that Google maps in its search for the easy obvious way  desperately wants you to avoid. 

May 2020 be a year of discovery, recovery, hope and blessing 

On arrival at the year that seemed so far away

At the end of 2019 the trend of offering the creation a photo book that rips your photos from your social media with underlining captions appears to be the advertisement of choice. It’s an interesting exercise to do if you are an over-poster like me because it gives an overview of in-the-moment comments and photos that tell the story of a year that has brought all sorts of changes and challenges both in my personal life and in the life of just about everyone I know (unless you have been hiding in a box). The cost of those books once formed is another challenge probably not to be faced but for a moment it creates a time to reflect. 

On the 1st January 2019 the next 365 days stood solid before me with a number of challenges to face - some expected and just about controllable, some expected but beyond the control of most of us and some completely unknown. It’s been a year of change and celebration, a year where work has overtaken my life in ways I never thought work could and a year of what only can be described as chaos in this country that is seeking to find a new identity within parameters that can’t currently hold what it is. 

Underlying all of this is a holding on..... a holding on to what grounds us, what keeps us upright and what keeps us steady. For me my holding on has come through song - particularly through the songs of Lauren Daigle who has reminded me again and again of my own capabilities, gifting and worth in God as the punches and stumbling blocks have raised their ugly heads. The holding on has also come through the small things - and the story my Instagram book of the year tells - in amongst the working too hard and the change and those around me losing their heads as I try to keep mine - is this story.  A story of baking and bucket lists and shoes and giant strawberries.... an impressive collection of ikea pencils and the roses that brought joy at the right moment.... glorious skies with burnt orange sunsets and glittery antlers that hardly left my head in the week leading up to Christmas..... a story of love and of friendship, of stoicism (I even bought a badge) and keeping on keeping on.... that in a year of being kept me on track. 

In some ways 2020 has crept upon me. It hadn’t occurred to me that it was the end of a decade - the year with a number that somehow makes me feel both happy and uneasy (perhaps reflecting my general state of being right now) has just appeared, like a hidden peak on this hill I’ll be climbing over this year. 

2020 starts with a month left before all change. It starts with a January to bask in the EU we belong to before it begins to be peeled away, not like a sticking plaster but like a TK Maxx label where you manage to get everything removed but the price. 

2020 will see us holding on tight to what keeps us steady - one another - the small things that bring us joy - the moments of hope - the songs that unite - the places that we trust enough to call home. 

2020 for me I hope will see me getting used to this life I’ve been called to.... and I hope will see a bit more stability than the last year has brought. I imagine that it will bring further challenges I have never encountered before as I work with people affected most acutely by austerity measures, uncertainty and the fall out from Brexit. 

2020 sees me climb over the hill, have my name on a book as editor (that’s exciting!) and enter into the pastry section of my gbbo baking challenge. I’m hoping it will see me join a choir and find my identity in the south as a belonger not a temporary incomer whose heart is pulled northwards more often than expected.

2020 is going to be hard. The effects of Brexit are unknown but known to be very much hard work. The effects of our new government are unknown but I believe inevitably challenging as our democracy is picked apart at its very core. The effects on individual lives amongst the uncertainty..... incomprehensible. 

In amongst it all? 

We’ve got to try and stand together. We need to work for unity - to see all people as human and treat them that way. 

We need to become less selfish and more generous. Our tendency in times of uncertainty is to batten down the hatches but 2020 is not a year for that - it’s a year to stand on the hill we’re climbing over and ask where light needs to shine and sticking that lightbulb in to make a difference. 

We must pray, protest, challenge, speak out.... we’re not called to be passive observers in 2020, but to be people who participate - who make places of truth, justice and mercy and belonging that speak Hope in uncertainty and show another way. 

Happy new year. May it be far better than the outlook appears to predict at the end of 2019. 

“But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbour, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don’t take yourself too seriously - take God seriously”. - Micah 6:8 (Message version) 

On getting what we deserve

The results are in, the votes have been counted and besides this London bubble I live in, the picture is bleak for the reds. All the campaigning and fighting and debating has resulted in far too much blue for my liking. Needless to say I’m disappointed, gutted, so very sad that the labour policies that would have begun to lift and transform our communities will not be seen through. 

I have collected together a rather impressive collection of left leaning friends so my Facebook and twitter feeds are full of general sorrow..... and in their anger some voices cry out “this country has got what it deserves”. 

Has it though? Just because we voted for it doesn’t mean we deserve it. 

Our broken communities don’t deserve to be battered and bruised to the point that anything to get them out of Europe is better than the policies that will make steps to heal their wounds. 

Our politicians don’t deserve to live in fear of their lives simply for disagreeing  with someone else. They don’t deserve to have lies spread about them, their families torn to shreds and their every move misreported in the press. 

That boy didn’t deserve to have to lie on the hospital floor waiting for treatment whilst his story was manipulated and distorted to make a false political point. 

We don’t deserve to be manipulated by lies and fake news as it is shouted from the front pages of newspapers all owned by people whose interest is their own. 

We don't deserve to lose the NHS, to be reliant on foodbanks, to be stuck in temporary accommodation for years because of a lack of housing. We don't deserve under resourced schools and cuts in our emergency services. We don't deserve to see the rich get richer and the poor to get left behind...... 

We don’t deserve it. 

What we deserve is truth. What we deserve is compassion. What we deserve is honesty. What we deserve is restoration. 

Because even where we disagree, people matter. Their lives matter, their voice, their opinion, their frustration with how the world is matters...... and while the next few days for many (including me) will be about mourning and trying to make sense of the result, as we move on and live with the result we’ve got to be a hand in giving this country what it actually deserves. How we do that I don’t know, but I do know I will be working for it. 

Let's give this country what it deserves - listen to the voices that have been crying out beyond the dross in this election, walk in the way of love and compassion, be part of an army of restoration, seek out truth amongst the lies, be an us first not I first member of society  - because this country deserves all of this (not that). 

And today? Practice self care. Look out for one another. Seek out glimmers of hope and light, moments of laughter, moments of joy, because it is those things, when we hurt, that will keep us walking through. 

And pray - pray for the what next, pray for the future, pray for restoration, pray for more. 

“And now, God, do it again—

    bring rains to our drought-stricken lives

So those who planted their crops in despair

    will shout hurrahs at the harvest,

So those who went off with heavy hearts

    will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing”. Psalm 126:4-5

A letter from a disgrace

Dear friend, colleague, one who looks at me and calls me a disgrace,

Thank you for my comments on my call to be a minister. I would say they are much appreciated, but actually, they're not. Your contempt towards me because of my gender is, sadly, not unusual, but surprisingly loud at the moment. I am not sure where your idea has come from that you can comment on my calling as a woman even though you have never met me and don't know my journey to ministry, but you seem to claim you have authority to do so. 

You see, the thing is, my primary calling to ministry is not from human beings, and particularly not from 80 year old men who claim an authority that is not their's. My calling is from God. It has been affirmed by my sending church, the church that ordained me, my college, my Baptist family and the church I am called to minister now where the call was so strong it cannot be anyone but God who brought me here.

As I explored the calling that I felt upon my life and took ten years to come to a decision to go to college exploring all the arguments for and against this pull in my heart, as I explored scripture and saw examples of women in leadership positions making an impact on the world, as I tried to do everything else but train to be a minister and got pulled back time and time again, as I saw rainbows at every turn confirming who I was being called to be, as I became more and more secure in my identity in Christ, I became increasingly certain that this is where and who I am meant to be. 

There are days when I feel like an imposter, when I feel like I'm making it all up. There are days when I wonder if I can stick it. There are days when I am so exhausted from the pressure of pastoral encounter after encounter that I wonder if I have the strength to carry on. 

I want to thank you then, dear friend, colleague, one who calls me a disgrace..... for reminding me of how I am called to this by God. As I read over your comments about me and every female minister across the world, I am reminded of the strength of my call, of the barriers I've faced, and the continual affirmation of others in where and who God has made me to be. Your words aren't going to stop me, because they remind me that I am not an imposter. They remind me that I am chosen, called and sent as I seek to walk in the way God is leading me - he has me by the hand.  

Your words, then, I shall let wash over me, your arguments, they send me to sleep.... and my hope, my deepest hope for you, is that one day you will look around and see the women pastoring congregations across the world, the work that we are doing, and recognise that God is at work. 

With every blessing. 

A disgraceful woman. 

PS I couldn't sell jewellery on TV to save my life - perhaps that's part of the reason I'm called to be a minister. 


This letter is a response to comments summed up in this article which sounds like a parody but sadly isn't.